20140619
20140618
I am a coward. The origin of this conclusion, as well as it's first appearance, remains unclear. What is certain is that this is now a certainty. I've recently taken to swimming with my child in public. I am disgusting, and my lack of self confidence is constantly exposed by repeatedly asking my poor, innocent daughter to affirm or negate my appearance. I cannot imagine taking this rotting carcass to another's doorstep. I alleviate the lingering physical longings artificially. I can't seem to find artificial love, artificial companionship, to allay to constant longings and ever present loneliness. I deserve nothing, and there's no magical karmatic reward for unraveling the puzzle of self, being a good father, or solving the unsolvable technical problem at my desk. Everything is an escape, and I'm tired of it, tired of all of it. Rip off the fucking scabs already, and face the bare wires of a unrequited humanity. I am here, I am present and accounted for, and it doesn't matter, because, like I said, I am a coward.
20140617
20140617
no throw up but diarrhea all morning. missed a day of her art camp. fuck. took her to the dr instead, had some blood drawn for a lactose intolerance test, but i'm thinking it's ibs, which also affects her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother apparently.
20140610
20140608
20140608
Kiddo came home feeling like crap, threw up her breakfast and has been cramping on and off.
This is a food diary for her weekend with a:
Friday:
Breakfast: oatmeal
Lunch: pb&j, yogurt, nuts
Dinner: chicken breast, mixed veggies, avocado
Saturday:
Breakfast: cinnamon waffle
Lunch: Ham/cheese lunchable
Dinner: two hot dogs w/cheese
Snack: two mini candy bars
Dessert: cream horn (half)
Sunday:
Breakfast: oatmeal
(Vomit)
Lunch: pb&j
Dinner: chicken noodle soup, ham
20140607
20140607
took a week off work. ostensibly to relax, record some music, workout, and also relax.
out of those five days, i ended up being at work two days for a health screening, wherein the state medical folks forgot their equipment.
i ended up without air conditioning for two days, and had "technicians" in my home for three days attempting to fix it. i'm still not convinced the leak is fixed, but it's merely dripping now, rather than the drip pan completely full of water, so that's a plus i guess. initially they had to replace a capacitor on the blower. at least i got two 'free' service calls out of the deal.
been swimming on and off with kiddo, so that was nice.
intended to do at least one prep run this week for the 5k i ran last night, but plantar fasciitis decided it wanted to leave some bruises on the bottom of my foot in front of the heel, indicating i would be a moron to run. it did heal, and i got to run my 5k, although it was delayed thirty minutes because of weather issues, and my (awesome) ride was forced to drive around and wait for me. hamstrings are shot today!
so now it's saturday. i woke up around 10, made myself some coffee, and teetered around alternating between trine 2 on the ps4 and tending to my dog, who is not feeling well today at all. i started lifting, took a break to take the dog around the park, and ended up carrying him back into the home.
it's now 4pm, and i've one set left on my somewhat unplanned workout, and have yet to eat a meal. and i haven't recorded a single thing this week.
bb squat: 135#x5, 225#x5x5
bb overhead press: 95#x10, 95#x5x4
(superset) situps: 25x3 / db side bends: 45#x15x3 / db kroc rows: 45#x15x3
(superset) chinups: 5x5 / bb curls: 45#x10x5
out of those five days, i ended up being at work two days for a health screening, wherein the state medical folks forgot their equipment.
i ended up without air conditioning for two days, and had "technicians" in my home for three days attempting to fix it. i'm still not convinced the leak is fixed, but it's merely dripping now, rather than the drip pan completely full of water, so that's a plus i guess. initially they had to replace a capacitor on the blower. at least i got two 'free' service calls out of the deal.
been swimming on and off with kiddo, so that was nice.
intended to do at least one prep run this week for the 5k i ran last night, but plantar fasciitis decided it wanted to leave some bruises on the bottom of my foot in front of the heel, indicating i would be a moron to run. it did heal, and i got to run my 5k, although it was delayed thirty minutes because of weather issues, and my (awesome) ride was forced to drive around and wait for me. hamstrings are shot today!
so now it's saturday. i woke up around 10, made myself some coffee, and teetered around alternating between trine 2 on the ps4 and tending to my dog, who is not feeling well today at all. i started lifting, took a break to take the dog around the park, and ended up carrying him back into the home.
it's now 4pm, and i've one set left on my somewhat unplanned workout, and have yet to eat a meal. and i haven't recorded a single thing this week.
bb squat: 135#x5, 225#x5x5
bb overhead press: 95#x10, 95#x5x4
(superset) situps: 25x3 / db side bends: 45#x15x3 / db kroc rows: 45#x15x3
(superset) chinups: 5x5 / bb curls: 45#x10x5
20140527
20140527
Couldn't summon the nerves today, even though it was there for the taking. Maybe tomorrow.
Almost done with another song I can't sing. Trying and failing to keep my calories low.
20140524
20140520
20140517
20140516
Living life as a fatalist is debilitating. I'm sitting there watching a movie with my kid and the pervading thought is how the dog on her lap will be gone before we know it. Then the thoughts inevitably move towards my parents, then me. I try I fight the realization of futility of being, the pull of humanity, but this is a powerful vortex of my own creation. And I can never move past it, constant as a beating drum. The drums will stop though. Soon enough.
Ran four miles, and the 'moment of clarity' thought was "if the search for meaning is a biological imperative, why did we as humans adapt towards it. Evolution appears to be an orchestrated adaptation towards environment. Why then do we search for meaning?"
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