20140618

I am a coward.  The origin of this conclusion, as well as it's first appearance, remains unclear.  What is certain is that this is now a certainty.  I've recently taken to swimming with my child in public.  I am disgusting, and my lack of self confidence is constantly exposed by repeatedly asking my poor, innocent daughter to affirm or negate my appearance.  I cannot imagine taking this rotting carcass to another's doorstep.  I alleviate the lingering physical longings artificially.  I can't seem to find artificial love, artificial companionship, to allay to constant longings and ever present loneliness.  I deserve nothing, and there's no magical karmatic reward for unraveling the puzzle of self, being a good father, or solving the unsolvable technical problem at my desk.  Everything is an escape, and I'm tired of it, tired of all of it.  Rip off the fucking scabs already, and face the bare wires of a unrequited humanity.  I am here, I am present and accounted for, and it doesn't matter, because, like I said, I am a coward.