20070227
i'm fairly sure my wife had an affair with a (married) classmate. i started reading her emails at some point and called her on it, and now regret that because she played it off as friends (and knows i may be watching now), but in my heart i feel something went on (is still going on) and now she's just covering it up. worse, we have a child and i'm pretty much to the point where even if she came clean, i wouldn't leave for the good of our child. my wife takes classes and spends all my money and i'm trying to get up the nerve to leave, but i don't want my child's life be a statistic or a cliche because of our splitting up. i just want to be the good guy here; i guess that's why she decided to screw around on me in the first place.
since she quit her job and went back to school, she's started all sorts of random, rebellious shit like smoking weed again, tattoos, tongue studs, antidepressants, etc, and i think she's having a quarter-life crisis. if she continues in this vein i may be going down with the ship, whatever that means...
why do women try so hard to change men and when they start succeeding, they get bored and start soul searching for someone else to change. i should really stop trying to apply common sense or logic to my situation, as they simply don't apply to her actions at this point...
i thought this girl was the one, but am increasingly sure that i'm being used for rent and board. help.
20070227
20070131
20070131
20070131
she's still up to no good. pretty much thought about my options on my run. those being ignoring it, complacency, anger, divorce, suicide, the usual.
unfortunately, this movie quote sums up what my life has become:
Cameron has never been in love. At least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.
i've been considering writing up the note for awhile now. life has become one long drawn out suicide note for me, and if things don't change, it's only a matter of time before things crystallize into a document and an action. i just love my daughter so much: she just walked by and smiled at me, and i smiled back. i'm drawn to tears at her merest glance today. i share moments with her like i've shared with no other person on earth. this being said because those similar moments i shared with a -- which were what feel like so many years ago -- when our love was easy, beautiful, and reciprocated, seem so distant now. with her infidelity and loss of respect for me, the feelings seem to have faded over time, and have left her jaded and me disappointed and sad. just as i've used her, i'm being used. honestly, i can't be angry at my wife or my life. something beyond my (or her) control has changed her outlook on love and life, and maybe for the better. maybe she doesn't want to live out her days with me, and maybe she'll be better off without me, so she'd sooner provoke me to be rid of me. maybe i'd be better off without me as well.
is someone going to read this after i'm gone and consider it trite and convenient? will i be thought of as some sorry emo fuckwit? does it even matter? here i am, its 6pm, i'm sweaty from a run in sub-freezing temperatures, i need to shower, need to eat some dinner, and need to spend a happy night with ashly and madeline. but all i want to do is go back outside and run more. i want to run, need to keep running forever, need to escape all of this. and all that's going to happen is i'm going to brood because i can't help myself, she'll roll her eyes -- the most patent sign of misunderstanding available to her -- and chalk it up to me being a weakling, and my feelings will be pushed aside, yet again. i wish i could have seen what was going on last semester, or last year, or before madeline was brought into this world, but today is the world we live in, and today is the day upon which we must base our decisions. and i decide...
she's still up to no good. pretty much thought about my options on my run. those being ignoring it, complacency, anger, divorce, suicide, the usual.
unfortunately, this movie quote sums up what my life has become:
Cameron has never been in love. At least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.
i've been considering writing up the note for awhile now. life has become one long drawn out suicide note for me, and if things don't change, it's only a matter of time before things crystallize into a document and an action. i just love my daughter so much: she just walked by and smiled at me, and i smiled back. i'm drawn to tears at her merest glance today. i share moments with her like i've shared with no other person on earth. this being said because those similar moments i shared with a -- which were what feel like so many years ago -- when our love was easy, beautiful, and reciprocated, seem so distant now. with her infidelity and loss of respect for me, the feelings seem to have faded over time, and have left her jaded and me disappointed and sad. just as i've used her, i'm being used. honestly, i can't be angry at my wife or my life. something beyond my (or her) control has changed her outlook on love and life, and maybe for the better. maybe she doesn't want to live out her days with me, and maybe she'll be better off without me, so she'd sooner provoke me to be rid of me. maybe i'd be better off without me as well.
is someone going to read this after i'm gone and consider it trite and convenient? will i be thought of as some sorry emo fuckwit? does it even matter? here i am, its 6pm, i'm sweaty from a run in sub-freezing temperatures, i need to shower, need to eat some dinner, and need to spend a happy night with ashly and madeline. but all i want to do is go back outside and run more. i want to run, need to keep running forever, need to escape all of this. and all that's going to happen is i'm going to brood because i can't help myself, she'll roll her eyes -- the most patent sign of misunderstanding available to her -- and chalk it up to me being a weakling, and my feelings will be pushed aside, yet again. i wish i could have seen what was going on last semester, or last year, or before madeline was brought into this world, but today is the world we live in, and today is the day upon which we must base our decisions. and i decide...
20061202
20061202
Category: Writing and Poetry
so it's been awhile since i checked in here. i have been working hard on getting in shape, and for those that care, my plan is very basic and consists of writing down everything i eat, biking, running, and portion control. i'm normally pretty private about this but i'm doing well enough to be proud of myself so far.
anyway, for writing down my meals i use this little osx app called voodoopad, which is a nice (free) little local wiki application, and since i'm already writing junk down for each day i've started writing other stuff in there (songs, poems, etc). i figure i'd share a few recent poems i'd written, nothing earth shattering of course, but i'm trying to get back into writing in general, and this is a bit of a small step in that direction. these three are a bit of "the good, the bad and the ugly" and it shouldn't be hard to tell which one is which. enjoy.
on motivation
an understanding from long ago
of what we'll be and who we'll know
a chance to rise against, instead
to pierce the needle with the thread
ascend my will, within myself
to spend my sum, leave nothing left
a canvas stretched past the world you see
to paint oneself with word and deed.
for knowledge beyond what most men reach
you need only listen to the autumn trees teach
of life and death, and of cutting your teeth
lessons shared daily through the petal of a leaf
stolid nobility, grace and ease
hardships weathered while tethered from seed
to truly overcome the roots you come from
life's seasons must never be the reason you succumb.
on preoccupation
caress a constant stream of inabilities
seethe on lackluster fonts of suffering
take heart in such dull effigies
seen on countless dilettantes
a morose countenance recaptured
emotional wall torn down
focused again on the terms of demise
once more defining death as life
a vain excavation of the mind
answers left waning for self-seeking questions
a struggle shared with a legion of corpses
understanding grasped to the depths
scurry the same worn out passages
a wastrel considering the hows and whys
inevitability of the unceremonious departure
a shallow whisper unto yourself: goodbye
on suspicion
confidence dissolves into mirrors behind doors
just out of sight, just out of reach
the shadows know what i cannot
perhaps it's for the best
credence unsolves the crimes uncommitted
intentions outweigh observations
blameless by association, derided by insinuation
an unkempt collage of guilt and blame
common sense evolves into hyperawareness
an ouroboros of secrets into secrets
is it just to keep me guessing
or just to keep you amused
mere suspense resolves to recompense
a restitution of your trust and mine
almost again we arrive unencumbered
until the next stab at dissonance
Currently listening :
Between Two Worlds
By I
Release date: By 14 November, 2006
so it's been awhile since i checked in here. i have been working hard on getting in shape, and for those that care, my plan is very basic and consists of writing down everything i eat, biking, running, and portion control. i'm normally pretty private about this but i'm doing well enough to be proud of myself so far.
anyway, for writing down my meals i use this little osx app called voodoopad, which is a nice (free) little local wiki application, and since i'm already writing junk down for each day i've started writing other stuff in there (songs, poems, etc). i figure i'd share a few recent poems i'd written, nothing earth shattering of course, but i'm trying to get back into writing in general, and this is a bit of a small step in that direction. these three are a bit of "the good, the bad and the ugly" and it shouldn't be hard to tell which one is which. enjoy.
on motivation
an understanding from long ago
of what we'll be and who we'll know
a chance to rise against, instead
to pierce the needle with the thread
ascend my will, within myself
to spend my sum, leave nothing left
a canvas stretched past the world you see
to paint oneself with word and deed.
for knowledge beyond what most men reach
you need only listen to the autumn trees teach
of life and death, and of cutting your teeth
lessons shared daily through the petal of a leaf
stolid nobility, grace and ease
hardships weathered while tethered from seed
to truly overcome the roots you come from
life's seasons must never be the reason you succumb.
on preoccupation
caress a constant stream of inabilities
seethe on lackluster fonts of suffering
take heart in such dull effigies
seen on countless dilettantes
a morose countenance recaptured
emotional wall torn down
focused again on the terms of demise
once more defining death as life
a vain excavation of the mind
answers left waning for self-seeking questions
a struggle shared with a legion of corpses
understanding grasped to the depths
scurry the same worn out passages
a wastrel considering the hows and whys
inevitability of the unceremonious departure
a shallow whisper unto yourself: goodbye
on suspicion
confidence dissolves into mirrors behind doors
just out of sight, just out of reach
the shadows know what i cannot
perhaps it's for the best
credence unsolves the crimes uncommitted
intentions outweigh observations
blameless by association, derided by insinuation
an unkempt collage of guilt and blame
common sense evolves into hyperawareness
an ouroboros of secrets into secrets
is it just to keep me guessing
or just to keep you amused
mere suspense resolves to recompense
a restitution of your trust and mine
almost again we arrive unencumbered
until the next stab at dissonance
Currently listening :
Between Two Worlds
By I
Release date: By 14 November, 2006
20061002
20061002
20061002
breakfast: none
lunch: two chik-fil-a sandwiches, polynesian sauce, water at tiger den
dinner: philly cheesesteak (6"), some banana birthday cake, lots of water
today my daughter turned two years old! unreal.
rode 30 miles after work, great workout, it had to have hit 90 degrees today though, which sucks for october. memaw and pepaw bought dinner for us for maddie's birthday. she had a good day with mom and dad today, so that's good.
doesn't seem to have any sort of fever anymore.
just read two books to her and she's playing in her room. probably about to come in here and start a ruckus though, ashly is reading 200 pages of her fantasy book tonight.
breakfast: none
lunch: two chik-fil-a sandwiches, polynesian sauce, water at tiger den
dinner: philly cheesesteak (6"), some banana birthday cake, lots of water
today my daughter turned two years old! unreal.
rode 30 miles after work, great workout, it had to have hit 90 degrees today though, which sucks for october. memaw and pepaw bought dinner for us for maddie's birthday. she had a good day with mom and dad today, so that's good.
doesn't seem to have any sort of fever anymore.
just read two books to her and she's playing in her room. probably about to come in here and start a ruckus though, ashly is reading 200 pages of her fantasy book tonight.
20060815
20060815
breakfast: none
lunch: leftover green beans, mashed new potatoes and a turkey sandwich with water to drink
dinner: meat spaghetti with ciabatta bread, water to drink
what a long day! since my bike was left at work from yesterday (20060814), we drove maddie to school together. got to work and finished updating the iAM source code for our Attribute/BasicAttribute changes. had a horrible meeting with the scates people where walter mentioned fupload and now of course i'm all fucked again because colette wants to meet about the project next week.
ate lunch at my desk because i was a bit pissy at walter.
afternoon consisted of even more code updates to the nexus project and such. rode home, had dinner with ash and the kidlet and then went on my first bike ride since Saturday's 35 miler (20060812) and it was great. temps finally back below 90, went out past evergreen in midtown and then back home. it's late now, bout to head to bed.
lunch: leftover green beans, mashed new potatoes and a turkey sandwich with water to drink
dinner: meat spaghetti with ciabatta bread, water to drink
what a long day! since my bike was left at work from yesterday (20060814), we drove maddie to school together. got to work and finished updating the iAM source code for our Attribute/BasicAttribute changes. had a horrible meeting with the scates people where walter mentioned fupload and now of course i'm all fucked again because colette wants to meet about the project next week.
ate lunch at my desk because i was a bit pissy at walter.
afternoon consisted of even more code updates to the nexus project and such. rode home, had dinner with ash and the kidlet and then went on my first bike ride since Saturday's 35 miler (20060812) and it was great. temps finally back below 90, went out past evergreen in midtown and then back home. it's late now, bout to head to bed.
20060814
20060814
breakfast: none
lunch: rp tracks, bbq tofu sandwich with cole slaw and (unfortunately) french fries, water to drink
dinner: sesame chicken, sushi, water
dessert: two peanut butter cups, maybe some cereal (haven't decided yet)
did a bunch of coding today at work and took ashly to the eye doctor to have her eyes dilated. walked around shelby farms with maddie for a bit but it was like 102 degrees so we ended up driving around more of the time. watching treasure hunters now on nbc, ashly is in love with this show (and i like it too). it's just like the movie national treasure, which i'm sure we'll be watching soon. gotta go help put away maddie's books, heh.
lunch: rp tracks, bbq tofu sandwich with cole slaw and (unfortunately) french fries, water to drink
dinner: sesame chicken, sushi, water
dessert: two peanut butter cups, maybe some cereal (haven't decided yet)
did a bunch of coding today at work and took ashly to the eye doctor to have her eyes dilated. walked around shelby farms with maddie for a bit but it was like 102 degrees so we ended up driving around more of the time. watching treasure hunters now on nbc, ashly is in love with this show (and i like it too). it's just like the movie national treasure, which i'm sure we'll be watching soon. gotta go help put away maddie's books, heh.
20060813
20060813
breakfast: cereal
lunch: macallister's chicken caesar salad (it was okay i guess)
dinner:
reading through larry brown's book "father and son". went on a family bike ride this morning. everyone slept late, and this afternoon they took a huge nap. it's 5pm now and the baby still isn't up, ashly is talking to sarah on the phone. went twice today, i dunno what's gotten into me. gonna go read some more of this book, it's insane but it's pretty good.
lunch: macallister's chicken caesar salad (it was okay i guess)
dinner:
reading through larry brown's book "father and son". went on a family bike ride this morning. everyone slept late, and this afternoon they took a huge nap. it's 5pm now and the baby still isn't up, ashly is talking to sarah on the phone. went twice today, i dunno what's gotten into me. gonna go read some more of this book, it's insane but it's pretty good.
20060812
20060812
breakfast: none really, gatorade and stuff
lunch: lenny's club and half of a chicken philly
dinner: some chicken nuggets and a salad shell
what can i say about today. i rode 35 miles on a bike. with mac. it was so much fun. i think i got a bit dehydrated, felt kinda bad, but i still managed to mow the front yard go on a walk and such. oh and we had some lovin' last night! ;)
did the MS150 training ride, started at bikes plus in germantown and rode to piperton. i really, truly believe that i've finally found the way to get my weight under control. as long as my eating doesn't short circuit it. felt kinda dehydrated afterwards, i'm gonna need to work on that, but what an incedible ride!@#
http://memphishightailers.clubexpress.com
Rock-N-Roll MS150 Training Ride
When:
Saturday, Aug 12, 2006, 7:00 AM to 1:30 PM
Where:
Bikes Plus--Germantown
9445 Poplar Avenue
Germantown, TN
Ride along with Team Hightailer in this training ride for the Rock-n-Roll MS150. The ride is being sponsored by the Mid South Chapter of the Multiple Sclerosis Society. Mileage options include routes of approximately 35 and 60 miles. The cost is $10 for this fully supported ride, but this will be reduced to $5 if you bring an unregistered rider who registers for the MS150. Registration will begin at 7:00 a.m. at Bikes Plus, 9445 Poplar Avenue, Germantown, TN. Bike Plus telephone 901.755.7233. The ride will roll out at 7:30.
lunch: lenny's club and half of a chicken philly
dinner: some chicken nuggets and a salad shell
what can i say about today. i rode 35 miles on a bike. with mac. it was so much fun. i think i got a bit dehydrated, felt kinda bad, but i still managed to mow the front yard go on a walk and such. oh and we had some lovin' last night! ;)
did the MS150 training ride, started at bikes plus in germantown and rode to piperton. i really, truly believe that i've finally found the way to get my weight under control. as long as my eating doesn't short circuit it. felt kinda dehydrated afterwards, i'm gonna need to work on that, but what an incedible ride!@#
http://memphishightailers.clubexpress.com
Rock-N-Roll MS150 Training Ride
When:
Saturday, Aug 12, 2006, 7:00 AM to 1:30 PM
Where:
Bikes Plus--Germantown
9445 Poplar Avenue
Germantown, TN
Ride along with Team Hightailer in this training ride for the Rock-n-Roll MS150. The ride is being sponsored by the Mid South Chapter of the Multiple Sclerosis Society. Mileage options include routes of approximately 35 and 60 miles. The cost is $10 for this fully supported ride, but this will be reduced to $5 if you bring an unregistered rider who registers for the MS150. Registration will begin at 7:00 a.m. at Bikes Plus, 9445 Poplar Avenue, Germantown, TN. Bike Plus telephone 901.755.7233. The ride will roll out at 7:30.
20060811
20060811
breakfast: none
lunch: tiger den, pork fried rice with broccoli and mixed veggies, water to drink
dinner: chicken burrito at costa vida, shared a coke
no one in memphis has the slick mtb tires i want (bontrager hank). mac got the last set! i guess i'm still gonna ride tomorrow morning, but i'm kinda harumph on it. hope everything is okay; if i die, at least i'll die doing something i truly love.
lunch: tiger den, pork fried rice with broccoli and mixed veggies, water to drink
dinner: chicken burrito at costa vida, shared a coke
no one in memphis has the slick mtb tires i want (bontrager hank). mac got the last set! i guess i'm still gonna ride tomorrow morning, but i'm kinda harumph on it. hope everything is okay; if i die, at least i'll die doing something i truly love.
20060810
20060810
breakfast: none
lunch: mac & cheese + hotdog
dinner: shepherd's pie
dessert: rice chex + pb + wayuls
lunch: mac & cheese + hotdog
dinner: shepherd's pie
dessert: rice chex + pb + wayuls
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