Another month signals defeat
Ides of March have again passed
Healing process stuck on 33 1/3
Grip tight the latest die uncast
Arpeggiated patterns of grief
Fresh from the sticker shock
Stake a claim in a lucid dream
Sadly, Happiness is not in stock
Zero to alone in 34 years
A psyche with the brake lines cut
Wish for a way to slow it down
Invent new anchors to stay put
Stop choking on old miseries
Start relearning how to breathe
Jettison the unsolved mysteries
Learn to live or learn to leave.
20110331
20110330
20110330
Dream/Nightmare?:
Dinner party with friends, I announce while she is on the phone that we are breaking up. I go outside and the planets are aligning in the night sky and are all visible with the naked eye (they were huge and beautiful). I tell everyone to come out and see and she eventually comes too. We start talking and she starts crying telling me she wants to be a kid again, and I say it's impossible. She suggests we go somewhere private to talk so we do. We are discussing the situation, she mentions that she'll get back together but she wants to keep having sex with other guys.. and all of a sudden c is sitting there. I tell him I think he's much better for her than her current boyfriend and him and I are almost instant friends, to her amazement.
I wake up at 5:30 and now I almost want to call him and tell him I'm actually worried about her. How fucked up is that?
The truth is, even with his holy roller hypocrisy and narcissism he was a much safer match for her than a metalhead drummer with two kids who (from her own mouth) mistreats her. I'm so conflicted though.. most of the time if you'd ask me I want her to take a long walk off a short pier. Deep in my psyche I still care for her well being on some level. I wish I could remove that from the equation, but I guess hating her to the core just isn't something I can do. This clearly stinks, as it will make my healing process more prolonged and painful because of these stupid conflicting emotions. Can't stand her presence until I'm dreaming. When will my dreams reconcile? Never?
Dinner party with friends, I announce while she is on the phone that we are breaking up. I go outside and the planets are aligning in the night sky and are all visible with the naked eye (they were huge and beautiful). I tell everyone to come out and see and she eventually comes too. We start talking and she starts crying telling me she wants to be a kid again, and I say it's impossible. She suggests we go somewhere private to talk so we do. We are discussing the situation, she mentions that she'll get back together but she wants to keep having sex with other guys.. and all of a sudden c is sitting there. I tell him I think he's much better for her than her current boyfriend and him and I are almost instant friends, to her amazement.
I wake up at 5:30 and now I almost want to call him and tell him I'm actually worried about her. How fucked up is that?
The truth is, even with his holy roller hypocrisy and narcissism he was a much safer match for her than a metalhead drummer with two kids who (from her own mouth) mistreats her. I'm so conflicted though.. most of the time if you'd ask me I want her to take a long walk off a short pier. Deep in my psyche I still care for her well being on some level. I wish I could remove that from the equation, but I guess hating her to the core just isn't something I can do. This clearly stinks, as it will make my healing process more prolonged and painful because of these stupid conflicting emotions. Can't stand her presence until I'm dreaming. When will my dreams reconcile? Never?
20110329
20110329
Awkwardness is just part of me
Sharing it is out of the question
Opiate for an opening
My head is a brush fire
I can't make any sense at all
Not thinking straight in the least
Brain is failing rapidly I guess
Fuck it.. In other news
The ex called her own child a
"spoiled little brat" today
I told her to never do it again
What a shitty parent she is
I really had such bad judgement
All the karma bills are here
Husk of deceit and dominion
Good night
Sharing it is out of the question
Opiate for an opening
My head is a brush fire
I can't make any sense at all
Not thinking straight in the least
Brain is failing rapidly I guess
Fuck it.. In other news
The ex called her own child a
"spoiled little brat" today
I told her to never do it again
What a shitty parent she is
I really had such bad judgement
All the karma bills are here
Husk of deceit and dominion
Good night
20110328
20110328
Windy cold and wet morning
Oh and it's a Monday
In spite of all this I will try
Unmapped territory!
This whole "positive" thing
Checked my horoscope today
Because I'm a woman, you see
Indecisive about travel it said
The first laugh of the morning
It's too pretty for a Monday
Cold and crisp with few clouds
The sun had been at my back
Crawling up from his horizon
Now I turn to return, and see it
Gilded in bright, welcoming gold
These cold mornings are the best
Not that I'm a morning person
Let's not give that impression
When there's no heat to sap you
No give and take, only giving
And the cold feels.. comfortable
I remember how much I missed it
That simple feeling of comfort
Even the random songs are happy
Strange how that happens
Or maybe they were happy
All along
Oh and it's a Monday
In spite of all this I will try
Unmapped territory!
This whole "positive" thing
Checked my horoscope today
Because I'm a woman, you see
Indecisive about travel it said
The first laugh of the morning
It's too pretty for a Monday
Cold and crisp with few clouds
The sun had been at my back
Crawling up from his horizon
Now I turn to return, and see it
Gilded in bright, welcoming gold
These cold mornings are the best
Not that I'm a morning person
Let's not give that impression
When there's no heat to sap you
No give and take, only giving
And the cold feels.. comfortable
I remember how much I missed it
That simple feeling of comfort
Even the random songs are happy
Strange how that happens
Or maybe they were happy
All along
20110327
20110327
Define yourself
In ten words or less
Is it limiting or liberating
Can it even be completed
Let's make it even easier
How about three words or less
How about a single word
If you were to pick one word
To adequately describe yourself
As accurately as possible
What would that one word be?
Yes, you can indeed find one
One that stretches the gamut
One to represent your whole life
Don't answer by convention
What you think you should say
Dig deep and uncover that word
Hold it in your mind for a bit
Focus intently on your definition
Tumble it towards perfection
Now tell the truth,
Are you proud of what you are?
In ten words or less
Is it limiting or liberating
Can it even be completed
Let's make it even easier
How about three words or less
How about a single word
If you were to pick one word
To adequately describe yourself
As accurately as possible
What would that one word be?
Yes, you can indeed find one
One that stretches the gamut
One to represent your whole life
Don't answer by convention
What you think you should say
Dig deep and uncover that word
Hold it in your mind for a bit
Focus intently on your definition
Tumble it towards perfection
Now tell the truth,
Are you proud of what you are?
20110326
20110326
Close your eyes for white noise
Drain the spectrum entirely
Those pesky colors washed away
Blurry sea of forced abstinence
An apex of unborn creativity
Accelerate rebirth into society
Dream of friends you don't have
Friends who can send her away
Pretty friends from a bygone era
You're only young once you know
Pain is the only constant here
The only thing that makes sense
Pain follows your formulas well
Derived from the math upstairs
The rest is is shrouded in fog
Imperfect soup of emotions
The senses enjoy betraying me
Dust settles on every surface
Ticking clock and droning fan
And our dog smells of old people
She tells me this jokingly
My brain colors in the gaps
Indirect insults hit their mark
Petrie dish of unwashed emotion
Mixed according to her specs
She still has such power over me
Why do I continue to live
Under her roof of oppression
Why do I continue to live at all
Dire whimsy at a moment's notice
Bet my whole life on stability
She left because she was bored
Still subject to her doldrums
Might work her magic elsewhere
But I'm doomed to be her victim
Every relationship ends like this
Every friendship ends like this
Every one leads to codependence
The evidence is overwhelming
Three choices: be a punching bag
Be the boxer, or refuse to play
There's always the other choice
Here I am mewling like a child
Still crying at the oddest times
No one's around to see it though
No one gives a fuck where I go
So I might as well just go
Sirens rush to help another
Foolish enough to cry for help
You won't make that mistake
Will you
Drain the spectrum entirely
Those pesky colors washed away
Blurry sea of forced abstinence
An apex of unborn creativity
Accelerate rebirth into society
Dream of friends you don't have
Friends who can send her away
Pretty friends from a bygone era
You're only young once you know
Pain is the only constant here
The only thing that makes sense
Pain follows your formulas well
Derived from the math upstairs
The rest is is shrouded in fog
Imperfect soup of emotions
The senses enjoy betraying me
Dust settles on every surface
Ticking clock and droning fan
And our dog smells of old people
She tells me this jokingly
My brain colors in the gaps
Indirect insults hit their mark
Petrie dish of unwashed emotion
Mixed according to her specs
She still has such power over me
Why do I continue to live
Under her roof of oppression
Why do I continue to live at all
Dire whimsy at a moment's notice
Bet my whole life on stability
She left because she was bored
Still subject to her doldrums
Might work her magic elsewhere
But I'm doomed to be her victim
Every relationship ends like this
Every friendship ends like this
Every one leads to codependence
The evidence is overwhelming
Three choices: be a punching bag
Be the boxer, or refuse to play
There's always the other choice
Here I am mewling like a child
Still crying at the oddest times
No one's around to see it though
No one gives a fuck where I go
So I might as well just go
Sirens rush to help another
Foolish enough to cry for help
You won't make that mistake
Will you
20110325
20110325
Guessing failure succeeded again
Hardtop veneer remains intact
No great surprise, no mystery
Acts of charity couldn't crack it
Occasionally tears bleed through
Send it away, laugh it off
A hand-me-down intimacy shield
Eventually light kills the moth
Please unplug this pinball heart
Growing weary of the feeling
This bumper car has a flat again
Growing dizzy from the reeling
Then consider the tortured mind
An unapologetic vice grip
No capacity for letting go
Couldn't even make the trip.
Hardtop veneer remains intact
No great surprise, no mystery
Acts of charity couldn't crack it
Occasionally tears bleed through
Send it away, laugh it off
A hand-me-down intimacy shield
Eventually light kills the moth
Please unplug this pinball heart
Growing weary of the feeling
This bumper car has a flat again
Growing dizzy from the reeling
Then consider the tortured mind
An unapologetic vice grip
No capacity for letting go
Couldn't even make the trip.
20110324
20110324-4
I write too much today I think
Words pour like so much wine
Or is it blood, hemorrhaging
I keep blotting it out
She keeps rubbing it in
Happily married to herself
The stain meets in the middle
Unwashed, unkempt, unclean
Keep throwing your mind at it
The gulf only widens more
Treat it like a minor scrape
You're going to get well
My whole body is the scab
Peel and peel and peel
Help me, please.
Words pour like so much wine
Or is it blood, hemorrhaging
I keep blotting it out
She keeps rubbing it in
Happily married to herself
The stain meets in the middle
Unwashed, unkempt, unclean
Keep throwing your mind at it
The gulf only widens more
Treat it like a minor scrape
You're going to get well
My whole body is the scab
Peel and peel and peel
Help me, please.
20110324-3
Take all you can get, you're told
You earned a do-over at life
Many people just disappear
Gradually fade from view
Like that last, hopeful glimpse
Over your shoulder
As you leave the best vacation ever
You know damn well you'll not be going back
Not anytime soon, dear traveler
Responsibilities and all that
Get back to your whoring
Tend those tiny withdrawals
And hope the balance sheet make sense
Hope anything makes sense soon
Cause your mind is convinced
Nothing is better than nothing
Drill deeper inside for safety
Why haven't I reached my core
A white dwarf is still a star
But all it does is explode
And all I want to do is explode
Finished and incomplete, thanks
You earned a do-over at life
Many people just disappear
Gradually fade from view
Like that last, hopeful glimpse
Over your shoulder
As you leave the best vacation ever
You know damn well you'll not be going back
Not anytime soon, dear traveler
Responsibilities and all that
Get back to your whoring
Tend those tiny withdrawals
And hope the balance sheet make sense
Hope anything makes sense soon
Cause your mind is convinced
Nothing is better than nothing
Drill deeper inside for safety
Why haven't I reached my core
A white dwarf is still a star
But all it does is explode
And all I want to do is explode
Finished and incomplete, thanks
20110324-2
Nightmare: I remember someone driving me, a, and some friends to Florida .. We were in the back on some sort of cot so it must have been a van or something. She holds up a scrap of paper with a drawing of a girl and tells me that's why we can't be together. I am furious at her and try to convince her I am not cheating. We somehow take some turn through the city an are in the mountains. I think I'm remembering Colorado. She tells me she has been thinking of me and I wake up.
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