What's the plan today, soldier
In dreams, we're together again
In dreams, the past resurrects
I'm weary of mental deception
Reaping what my ex has sown
Still, it was eerily comforting
Deep diving my nocturnal soul
At peace with warring emotions
Until the dog woke me up early
So I threw on my Bathory shirt
At 6:30 on a Sunday morning
Let him piss on my neighborhood
While I collected mosquito bites
An old favorite inside my ears
Hate Forest: With Fire and Iron
Despair forged with pure anger
Truly amazing song, I think
It's become a rare occurrence
To avoid listening to Elliott
But I must, for my own health
I have shut everyone out now
Until I fix what's under the hood
That's what I tell myself anyway
Do I miss my friends? Of course
But the me I am around them
That's what must change now
I'll have my little girl back soon
No clue what we're going to do
Live, I guess.
20110410
20110409
20110409-2
Six miles today, feeling better
It's gotten hot outside finally
So I plan on avoiding that scene
As much as possible, I hope
What a strange phone convo
But then life is all surreal now
Lists and plans are mine alone
Pity the user as little as possible
If she taught you nothing at all
Please remember that lesson
And abide by its simple truth
It's gotten hot outside finally
So I plan on avoiding that scene
As much as possible, I hope
What a strange phone convo
But then life is all surreal now
Lists and plans are mine alone
Pity the user as little as possible
If she taught you nothing at all
Please remember that lesson
And abide by its simple truth
20110409
Surrounded by the untouchables
I cling to the teet of company
We sample the board of fare
Act the way you think they do
See heavenly bodies sidle along
Tell yourself you want a piece
Keep polishing that tired shell
Get what you think you deserve
A toned trophy on the mantle
I can fix my body, eventually
Will I ever know what I want
Still feel the acute guilt today
Maybe I can sweat it out
Pride myself on truthfulness
Yet I lie about my faith daily
And my wants and needs
What's *my* agenda?
I lie to myself and others
And why?
To keep the peace?
Do you feel very peaceful?
Now I reread my comments
See the shifts from first person
To second person, and realize
There's more than one me talking
And I'm content with this schism
Turns out I am just a falsehood
Time to run, time to escape
Find beauty in thoughtlessness
Switch your mind off for a bit
Each idea rushing in pricks me
And I'd quiet them all, if I could
That is the truth of who I am.
I cling to the teet of company
We sample the board of fare
Act the way you think they do
See heavenly bodies sidle along
Tell yourself you want a piece
Keep polishing that tired shell
Get what you think you deserve
A toned trophy on the mantle
I can fix my body, eventually
Will I ever know what I want
Still feel the acute guilt today
Maybe I can sweat it out
Pride myself on truthfulness
Yet I lie about my faith daily
And my wants and needs
What's *my* agenda?
I lie to myself and others
And why?
To keep the peace?
Do you feel very peaceful?
Now I reread my comments
See the shifts from first person
To second person, and realize
There's more than one me talking
And I'm content with this schism
Turns out I am just a falsehood
Time to run, time to escape
Find beauty in thoughtlessness
Switch your mind off for a bit
Each idea rushing in pricks me
And I'd quiet them all, if I could
That is the truth of who I am.
20110408
20110408
Good news and bad news
Her beau finally rejected her
She's pulling off, and mentions
He'd had a restraining order
Mentions this in passing
Literally as she's driving off
But what's so very funny
Is I bet he dumped her
Her tears would be sweet like honey
If she knew how to cry that is
Oh well, my kid is better off
Now if she'd move out of town
Then we'd really have something
But enough about her
My neighborhood is kinda sad
I'd say it's 99% caravans
Never realized before I guess
I'm feeling mundane this morning
Dragged into society tonight
Damn those good friends
Just won't give up will they
Neither will I, I suppose
Dammit.
Her beau finally rejected her
She's pulling off, and mentions
He'd had a restraining order
Mentions this in passing
Literally as she's driving off
But what's so very funny
Is I bet he dumped her
Her tears would be sweet like honey
If she knew how to cry that is
Oh well, my kid is better off
Now if she'd move out of town
Then we'd really have something
But enough about her
My neighborhood is kinda sad
I'd say it's 99% caravans
Never realized before I guess
I'm feeling mundane this morning
Dragged into society tonight
Damn those good friends
Just won't give up will they
Neither will I, I suppose
Dammit.
20110407
20110407
Screaming out for contact
Body inevitably trumps mind
Right wrong or indifferent
Too impatient for stars to align
Always boils down to a choice
Our feet walk the unchosen path
Anything to hear another voice
Fumbling on relationship math
Then the rubber band snaps
As it always does
Hands again press on the glass
A million or more true loves
Passing fancy in the slow lane
The strange failure of success
Forever searching for more
Until you're left lifeless
Body inevitably trumps mind
Right wrong or indifferent
Too impatient for stars to align
Always boils down to a choice
Our feet walk the unchosen path
Anything to hear another voice
Fumbling on relationship math
Then the rubber band snaps
As it always does
Hands again press on the glass
A million or more true loves
Passing fancy in the slow lane
The strange failure of success
Forever searching for more
Until you're left lifeless
20110406
20110406
Never know until you try
Took a world of courage
Found things along the way
Bits and pieces of who you were
Or maybe who you actually are
Proud of my progress of course
But as they say, ere the fall
Being is not always being ready
But change always changes
Definitions and retrovisions
What the fuck is wrong upstairs
Can't change what we are
The tinkering is always repaired
We just can't help ourselves
Yet in losing, there is a finding
Plod through morning routines
And keep searching, searching
For what, whatever was lost
Might never again be found
That's not really our choice
Is it
Took a world of courage
Found things along the way
Bits and pieces of who you were
Or maybe who you actually are
Proud of my progress of course
But as they say, ere the fall
Being is not always being ready
But change always changes
Definitions and retrovisions
What the fuck is wrong upstairs
Can't change what we are
The tinkering is always repaired
We just can't help ourselves
Yet in losing, there is a finding
Plod through morning routines
And keep searching, searching
For what, whatever was lost
Might never again be found
That's not really our choice
Is it
20110405
20110405
Time to ask for a light
We think you deserve it
A cave is missing its troll
Better off dead weight lifting
Turn on your own dime this time
Wake up from sad daydreams
You will love the view, promise
This property is a real steal
Even the price is negotiable
Half past the deadline
If you dislike the mirror's eye
Break the fucking mirror
Make a choice, a true effort
Let the bygones stay gone, bye
Remember the past, and forget
We think you deserve it
A cave is missing its troll
Better off dead weight lifting
Turn on your own dime this time
Wake up from sad daydreams
You will love the view, promise
This property is a real steal
Even the price is negotiable
Half past the deadline
If you dislike the mirror's eye
Break the fucking mirror
Make a choice, a true effort
Let the bygones stay gone, bye
Remember the past, and forget
20110404
20110404
Woke up to a shake down
More interference upstairs
Friend requests from enemies
An army of rabid onlookers
Ex-family chumming the waters
Few of them ever had a clue
Abused right under their noses
Betting I'm still the bad guy
Alienated from my cocoon
Chrysalis of curt chagrin
The clouds move quickly today
Wish I were up there with them
Her envelope was habit forming
Break the unjust addictions
Keep the other ones
Dream 1: chased by witches
Dream 2: covered with ticks
Got a wicked sunburn headache
Oh and an eval with the boss
More interference upstairs
Friend requests from enemies
An army of rabid onlookers
Ex-family chumming the waters
Few of them ever had a clue
Abused right under their noses
Betting I'm still the bad guy
Alienated from my cocoon
Chrysalis of curt chagrin
The clouds move quickly today
Wish I were up there with them
Her envelope was habit forming
Break the unjust addictions
Keep the other ones
Dream 1: chased by witches
Dream 2: covered with ticks
Got a wicked sunburn headache
Oh and an eval with the boss
20110403
20110403
Symbolic vitriol uncovered
A deadly game of make-believe
The winds bring new fears
Along with newfound aspirations
More articulated ineloquence
Crescendo of being personified
Whitewash the sadness away
Sing about it until I can be quiet
Each piece a piece of bandage
A haphazard heart again pierced
Repaired chord by chord
There's so little efficiency left
Tuck your tail and run home
Quite familiar with that idea
Listening to "Oh well, okay"
And crying along with Elliott
Because it's me all over again
If she were to crawl back
Not that her shame allows that
I'm forced to run the scenario
Back and forth over the scab
Would I be strong enough?
Hate her but forgive her, right
But never forget her strings
So many still attached to you
Why frame your life around her
Stop caring about her, you win
Start loving something else
Perhaps tomorrow, tomorrow
You and your fucking nostalgia
A deadly game of make-believe
The winds bring new fears
Along with newfound aspirations
More articulated ineloquence
Crescendo of being personified
Whitewash the sadness away
Sing about it until I can be quiet
Each piece a piece of bandage
A haphazard heart again pierced
Repaired chord by chord
There's so little efficiency left
Tuck your tail and run home
Quite familiar with that idea
Listening to "Oh well, okay"
And crying along with Elliott
Because it's me all over again
If she were to crawl back
Not that her shame allows that
I'm forced to run the scenario
Back and forth over the scab
Would I be strong enough?
Hate her but forgive her, right
But never forget her strings
So many still attached to you
Why frame your life around her
Stop caring about her, you win
Start loving something else
Perhaps tomorrow, tomorrow
You and your fucking nostalgia
20110402
20110402
In the four+ months that I've been keeping these diary entries, I finally legitimately missed a day. There really wasn't an excuse, not that I needed one.
Anyway it was April fools so it seemed like an appropriate day to take a break.
Kiddo's teacher decided to let her play with something she's allergic to so I get a call from them and mom had to pick her up. TLDR I was a bachelor on Friday night. What did I do? I wrote a waltz. What? Fuck off! I'm really proud of it, it's for my daughter.
Today, I ran this morning, made a single egg breakfast burrito (last egg), watched archer season one on Netflix (great show!!!), got a haircut, played with kid for approximately the entire afternoon at parents' place, and wrote another song tonight. Somewhat different tinge to this one though, heh. Its not as easy to listen to as some of my other musical experiments but I like to play with different voicings and chords. Definitely not formulaic.
No dreams to report.
Anyway it was April fools so it seemed like an appropriate day to take a break.
Kiddo's teacher decided to let her play with something she's allergic to so I get a call from them and mom had to pick her up. TLDR I was a bachelor on Friday night. What did I do? I wrote a waltz. What? Fuck off! I'm really proud of it, it's for my daughter.
Today, I ran this morning, made a single egg breakfast burrito (last egg), watched archer season one on Netflix (great show!!!), got a haircut, played with kid for approximately the entire afternoon at parents' place, and wrote another song tonight. Somewhat different tinge to this one though, heh. Its not as easy to listen to as some of my other musical experiments but I like to play with different voicings and chords. Definitely not formulaic.
No dreams to report.
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