20111123

ran a 10k yesterday. today i'm going to my sister's to work on her broken computers.

watched "tangled" last night with kiddo.. i really do like that movie. they actually made rapunzel cool.

had some egg casserole this morning.
protein shake for "lunch". kiddo is with my sister tonight. i'm weightlifting. i guess. crazy family drama sure does help in hardening the shell. speaking of which.. good god i could go for some magic shell. i love that shit.

Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Standing Military Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)

20111121

of all the amazingly shit luck happenstance coincidences, my kid is not feeling well at all this morning. that would be the morning of my week off work, when i was supposed to devote myself to running and lifting. yes i know what you're saying, priorities, priorities.. but my kid wasn't sick before my ex picked her up. she's sure as fuck sick now. which begs the question, wtf happened to do this to her??

eggs and shit
ice cream and pb (at least it was low carb)
hamburgers

i'm stressed and full of energy but my back is giving me pause. motherfucker!@#!@#!@#!@#\

i refuse to give up without a fight.

20111120

i'm sleeping a lot, never a good sign. up at 8:30. had a banana and some pb. my back is unhappy with me. more crazyass dreams. song sounds interesting.

so kiddo didn't sleep well and threw up all night i'm told by my ex, who delivered her on time for my oldest brother's 25th anniversary of his ordination. she was a trooper during the service, although she laid down in the pew until the end. got a hug from one of the ex's cousins going out. yet another odd social circumstance. we get home and my kid pukes again. she is now in bed relaxing.

banana for breakfast
leftover spicy bison stew

i've decided i'm not going to eat anything else today. i need to curb my eating since i'm not running. tomorrow morning the goal is to get her to school and then hit the roads hard, and lift at night. assuming my body cooperates.

20111119

4:30 in the morning. the dog woke me up, and i can't go back to sleep. but he sure as fuck can.. i know because there he is asleep on the couch. i want to go give him a bath or something just to keep his ass awake too. little bastard.

6:30 in the morning. woke up again with a completely dry mouth and vague memories of a crazy dream involving an old friend getting married and all i wanted to do was run down barefoot to the ocean. i didn't have any dress clothes and a million little things happened along the way until i awoke feeling drugged. i feel confident anyone seeing me walk the dog would have called the police. still feeling very very woozy so i'm going back to bed.

11:30 in the morning. ended up talking the dog on a long walk because my back went out while playing video games on the couch. the intent was to run this morning and lift this afternoon. not sure if i'll do either now. the house is a wreck, the yard is a wreck, my life is a wreck. ssdd.

latest quote from my ruined mind: "live and die by the code of i"

5:30 in the evening. have a new chord progression i'm kicking around. just need a subject.

10:55 subject acquired, writing commencing.

protein shake
random shit
bison stew

20111118

insane calf cramp to wake me up at 6. dog was whining so i zombied out into the neighborhood for a bit. yay fridays. it's 6:30 and kiddo just woke up, i hear her wandering down the hallway. am i running or lifting this weekend. i need some motivation (read: sex).

breakfast has been skipped. two meetings this morning, afternoon at work and then i won't see this place again for an entire week.

sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers (again)
banana and peanut butter mid-workout
homemade cobb salad

talking to that cunt tonight was the best motivation ever.. i got PRs on the squat and the deadlift! maybe i should call her up right before each workout. or not!

Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
good music = motivation! some great gains tonight
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Triceps Pushdown:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
Push-Up:
10 reps (+15 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)

20111117

considered sending her a text this morning, then thought better of it.

there are no more anniversaries for us.

it wasn't going to say happy anniversary or anything, i'm not that delusional.. something like, "have a great day, from somebody you used to know". it's sad. we'll never even be friends. in other news, i can't seem to reconnect to society. this morning feels like failure.

got onto kiddo this morning because she didn't eat her breakfast and instead watched tv. tv has been banned in the mornings (because.. she doesn't eat her breakfast ;) "daddy you're not getting a goodbye kiss" but that's okay. the life of a father.

egg muffins
hamburger and salad
sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers

alright, back at home for lunch, all christmas stuff has been divvied up. i basically gave her all the shit i dislike. anything with glitter, anything that makes noise. i probably shouldn't give her anything but it's kinda like taking that stuff to the trash anyway. literally.

way too much food today.

plus bitchface decided to call tonight and ruin it further. i have no energy now. fuck!

fell asleep at like 8:30 after reading to kiddo, too stressed to do otherwise. happy anniversary, world. go fuck yourself.

20111116

somewhat more stable this morning.

tomorrow would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. not sure how i'll "celebrate" that occasion.

m saw me looking at myself in the mirror this morning, and before we left for school she sat me on the couch and told me "it doesn't matter how big or small you are, all you have to do was show someone what's in here" (and she pointed to her heart). she almost teared up. i told her everything was going to be okay, but the truth is that my heart is broken, and i don't want to show that to anyone.

maybe i'm not more stable this morning.

skipped breakfast, unless you count chewing gum.
lunch was a grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese.
dinner was some nasty hamburger and a protein shake.

rest day.

20111115

restraint. it is the word that stifles what i am, every single day.

i show restraint online, in that i am still connected to my ex's family. i want to rant and rave as i have seen others do.. although it wouldn't do any good really.... it'd just be flippant, redactive therapy for me.

i show restraint with my family, in that i continue to portray myself as a catholic when i have lost my faith a long time ago. would coming clean ruin my parents? possibly. no earthly accomplishment counts for anything compared to being a sycophant to the church, something i seem unable to do consistently even with the trauma of divorce. i think certain people need religion, but today, this morning, i am not one of them.

i could lie and say i'm showing restraint by not dating, but that would also be a lie. it's fear. i'm going to lift for about six months, check back with my mind on my body image, and go from there. if i make it. i am still having nightmares and suicidal thoughts constantly. the other day it was me hanging from a belt tied around my squat rack. i have filled my day with distractions and addictions but occasionally that fog of ephemeral materialistic bullshit clears and i have a short-lived epiphany of being, a realization of the loneliness that tears me apart. a rejection of self and others.

the rain is bringing the cold, and i am ready for it to seep into my bones and hopefully rob me of the ability to overthink my human condition.



oh and the whole food thing. i suppose you could consider my current diet restraint. who knows if it'll pan out or pain out.

lift day.

Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Stiff Leg Barbell Good Morning:
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
Push-Up:
25 reps (+37 pts)
15 reps (+22 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
Lying Barbell Triceps Extension ("Skullcrusher"):
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+7 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Reverse Barbell Curl:
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)

skipped breakfast
homemade salad
two hot dogs and saurkraut
protein shake

20111114

FML

egg muffins
chicken breast/salad bar at jason's deli
sweet potato

Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 20 reps (+89 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 10 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 10 reps (+62 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)

so freaking windy this weekend. i got to watch a tree fall actually at my parents house.

nothing can prepare you for the randomness of divorce. she moves out the week before xmas, and i get a text today, 11 months later, asking me to bring all the xmas stuff down from the attic and allow her to go through it.

my response: lol

20111113

windy this morning, going to attempt a run before breakfast. i should really cancel my phone service.

decent run i guess.. logged on fitocracy. finished my grocery shopping before the christians invaded this morning.

egg muffin
turkey/cheese/bacon
protein shake
meat, veggies, etc

the ex told me to buy the gift and ship it down there. i am not surprised in the least. ;)