20110131

My precious little girl
Says 'mom' in her sleep
Over and over and over
I hold her hand and weep
It's all I can do
My former soulmate
Focus fires another number
Over and over and over
I hang my head and weep
It's all I can do
My perfect world asunder
Each morning a new nightmare
Over and over and over
I can't help but weep
It's all I can do

20110130

So a has known this guy for ... weeks? And he's with my daughter at the zoo. Met him online dating. Didn't tell me until after the fact. I feel like she is doing all of this for my benefit, but I still don't know why. Maybe there is no why.

r's was nice, sausage and peppers and other assorted indulgences.

been texting a lot with a friend lately, who appears to be the only set of truly open ears in the world.

20110129

Out of the woodwork
Past meets the present
Not ready for primetime
Yet here we are
Coalesce your last decade
You are waking from a dream
Or was it a nightmare
Your walls broken down
Can you survive this, truly
Who knows
Live life on the tip of a knife
Do your best to ignore the mirror

20110128-2

Rewriting history is fun and easy
She's out to convince the world
Who and what you are
As a husband, as a father
Your goal is not to mislead
It's not even really to forget
That's impossible, you know
Your goal is to have perspective
A luxury she will never have
No matter how much she lies
Her dishonesty defines her
As a wife, as a mother
To move past her you need only
Live!
And continue living
You have an amazing story
And amazing gifts
Women will see your face
You'll be surprised who responds
Because they're looking, too
They are drawn to you
And if one was drawn to you
Others will be too, you'll see
You thought your life was chosen
And indeed it was, but now
YOU can choose your mate
You can choose your fate
With clear insight
And crystal clear perspective
So choose, p.
Take your time and choose.

20110128

The latest edition of your cancelled subscription
Dropped off at your doorstep, cold and cruel
Throw pillows to cushion your fall from grace
Slide back down the backslide rule
Humming hymns of an ungrateful heart
Time for a tryst with loss and discovery
Her words are still as smooth as silk
Underneath her swords are as sharp as ever

20110127

The papers are prepared
Sign on the dotted line
And put us in your rear view
But here we are
Father and daughter
United against you
The shitty mom, the shoddy wife
As long as I'm around
We will find happiness elsewhere
The moon is a sliver of ivory
In the early morning sky
A thing of absolute beauty
In an absolutely ugly world
As I look upward I realize
We are locking our gazes
On each other, she looks down
And the perspective hits me
A realization of magnitude
You are small indeed
Yet not insignificant
Not to your daughter
You owe her a good, decent life
If only to spite her mother
Who never believed in us
We will show her, won't we
Happiness or bust

20110126-3

Wolves ate the sheep again
Blood smeared in distaste
Thinking six moves ahead
Take the loss, a fair trade
I got a new friend today
And she never says no
Lifts me up gently to say
Words you'll never know
Maybe I'll still crash and burn
But the hurt won't be the same
Softly dropping me off a cliff
Whispering your maiden name

20110126-2

I feel so incredibly helpless right now. My mood is just pointed and bleak and focused and sad and ready to quit. m said I am a bad father last night. She's right. I was a bad husband too.
I never did the right things for ashly and never took care of her like a real husband should or could. m, if you're reading this, or ever read any of my writings, I just want you to know that you've done NOTHING wrong. a broke me, plain and simple, and I can't put myself back together again. There are not enough apologies in the world to make up for what I feel I need to do next, and I know it will probably ruin your life, but I've never been this sad, and i can't do this anymore. All my hopes and dreams were crushed underfoot and I need to check out. I'm sorry i wasn't stronger. I tried to raise you the best I could, my beautiful little girl. a doesn't know how to love, and time will show you this. If I could impart any wisdom for you to carry along, it'd be that you should be stronger than your dad and love more than your mom. That is the key to your happiness, and never forget it.

I will always love you, whether from above or below

20110126

World awakens in a coma
Dark and lifeless and bitter
Stasis of interminable regret
Penance given yet unnecessary
The only acceptable change
A sentimental idiot
An open book with no cover
Is the ultimate conclusion
Yet another righteous verdict
With open arms and eyes
Judgement from on high
No reprieve, no quarter
The scales tip finally
Honesty and truth tumble over
Over and under, eternal freefall
Through a fog of inadequacy
Over and under

20110125-3

Count your z's before they hatch
Wear hand-me-down opinions
Subscribe to societal cliches
With the current drug of choice
Eyelids wage a bitter campaign
Please hold back the bad dreams
Yeah right. Best of luck.

20110125-2

Caressed by a shadow of change
Forsaken by a light of stability
It's all the same really
So fucking depressed
I just want the pain to end
She killed me that December day
I've been dead for a month
Grasping for the surface
Buried under every mistake made

20110125

How many bad dreams are left
Before my mind finds acceptance
My third eye never closes
Never even got a reason why
I concede you may be better off
Without me
Because I'm not worth it
I'm a gamble with long odds
And you never wanted to bet
The realization floors me
I concede I may be better off
Without me
This little girl living with me is
What's left of my happy ending
But she is forever linked
To the sad eventuality of my life
To the person who left me
I concede she may be better off
Without me

20110124

Her mind is a blank canvas now
Works we'd painted wiped clean
Starry night after starry night
Torched or given to charity
Either way, same result
Her dreams are now off-limits
Someone else's territory
Her happiness reset to zero
Someone else's responsibility
Each grey hair a reminder now
I'd rather recall the good times
One second of happiness with her
Was worth years of this sadness
A fair bargain for her favor
Yesteryear paints it's own picture
Filling in the tension with hope
I'm glad I shared this life
I know I treated her right
Rest easy, everything will be ok
But could it ever occur again
How often do stars realign
Is my solace in the cards
Still looking for buried treasure
Do you feel you've earned it
Don't succumb to melancholy
Is there a reward out there
Who will join this journey
Is she out there dreaming now
Dreaming like I dream
Of a new masterpiece
One we can paint together
I hope so. I hope so.

20110123-2

Sent her another unread note
From an empty well
To an unused relationship
At an abandoned palace
From an unlisted number
In a part of town no one goes
And that's where I'll be forever.

20110123

Dream:
I'm pleading with a to reconsider and initially she agrees. She then goes and gets a tattoo and I call her and tell her I want to talk about our relationship. At first when I see her, her face is tattooed but she says it's just temporary. Then she shows me the tattoo. It takes up her entire back and is a list of her ex's. I scan the list and get down to my alta mater (it's organized apparently) and I see my name. I go ballistic and run away screaming that's not how you break up with someone.... And then I wake up.

20110122

Everything echoes down there
Reverberations of memories past
Wet and dark and perilous
Stumble over and over and over
Hands are tied behind his back
And it's so lonely in the void
Lonely and terrible
And the path is so uneven
Terribly painful
And how did he get trapped
Painfully obvious
An endless night of wandering
This tunnel, this tomb
There's a cruel joke underneath
Isn't there always
But it will never dawn on him
Life happens in cycles
Verse, refrain, verse, refrain
And so this prison, this torment
Is one circular, inescapable trap
Yet doomed to walk on and on
Destined to repeat each mistake
This puzzle has no solution
Rest your head, hope for light
But keep feeling for something
Something sharp

20110121-2

Her parents are here today
Another reminder of reality
I wonder how this will go
Can they stay on my side
Or will they prove to be evil

20110121

Verses but no refrain
Screams without a name
No face to this evil
Just another nightmare
Pulling me toward hatred
But it's just not in me
All I wanted was peace
And solitude will provide
Can I still be salvaged
The verdict is unclear

20110120-2

Mornings start with nightmares
Dreams hellbent on fear
Breakfast of distractions
Pretending you're still here
The knife is still there
Lodged deep in my back
The wound closed around it
Trifling pain rises like a tack
Luckily I can still run
Like you're just round the bend
And I'll keep on running
Until the hurt is at an end

King for a day in this leftover palace
Greeting cards with trite little lies
A bike you rode twice
A child you never knew how to love
Letters and emails and texts
Scrapbook pages and broken memories
Furniture we bought together

Tell her story!

20110120

The dream the morning centered on a moving out for awhile and then back in. She told me c was planning on asking her to marry him. I asked what all she'd been doing when she'd moved out, and she kept whispering at me and I could never make out what she was saying... Finally she spoke up enough where I realized she'd been doing drugs over there, and only moved back in with me because her dealer had been busted. I'm having dreams like this most every night.

20110119-2

Discovered on the roadside
Remains of a soulslide
Don't forget to tip your waitress
She served up your last supper
Bought with hard earned money
From our empty table to yours
So many unfinished projects
You were first amongst them
Don't you worry your little head
I'll be alright, a
A plot of tulips frames the scene
Milk from a mother now unseen
I took the torch a long time ago
And you know I'll keep it lit
I'm glad we're no longer "friends"
You never understood the term
It saves me all the party pics
From your pretend new world
If reality ever hits you
I hope you survive
But I have my doubts

20110119

Tick tock, tick tock
No time left for us
Tears fill the bed we shared
No longer safe and secure there
Straight to the back of the line
Plan life from an empty list
Success turned failure
No good can come from this
Do your best to break the clock
Gasp for air and look around
By the time you're where you want to be
It'll probably be too late

20110118-3

I stumble on past the
smiles that caused me
so much harm
It's pencil thin the boundaries
Set in place to keep me from
The storm

Those children's books with your
name scribbled down for
Us to see
Were you aware what you'd
Soon become with innocence
Set free

20110118-2

She wants less contact
And she will have it
So tired of one-sided torment
I want to slap it out of her
But she has too many faces
Yet another dim turnaround
A future of past hopes
Stranded on the rocks
The silence nicks at my dreams
Just around the corner
She'll be a shadow forever
Just around the bend
I'll pretend to make amends
Everywhere I turn now
I see only slivers of sunset
Immersed into an endless night
Time ripples on and out
And so will I

20110118

Silent after a shout
Sure as a doubt
Wrecking your way to the ball
Shadows stand as you fall
Sad eulogy to your parenthood
Knew you just couldn't
But wished you could
Destined for the wrong words
Showing how little you've learned
Every emotion was forced
Will I ever discover the source
Avail yourself to the truth
You allowed yourself to be used
Was it a victimless crime?
The answer is yet another lie
Do yourself a favor in kind
For once, pay no mind

20110117

I wonder if the itch is gone
The one she had for years
Or if it just got worse
Content to pursue in private
Only a wife on paper
Only a mom on facebook
Hypocrisy lessons from a master
Her evils are now unchecked
The trophy falls off the mantle
Shatters into a million pieces
Who can put it back together
Only I can, and she knows
But she doesn't care anymore

20110116

Swimming in a sea of women
Only the sharks take the bait
While I ponder myself sadly
Taking notes for future fantasies
Will you ever find the right one
Amidst a sea of jaded type a's
Probably the wrong crowd for me
Try the geekier option
Surely there's a hermit cave
Where all the better girls go
Denied the easy road by Ashly
Now you're past your prime
And so are the females
Settle for less or settle for none
Not quite ready for my debut
(will I ever be ready)

20110115

My social calendar frowns on me
She keeps tabs out of politeness
Or maybe it's morbid curiosity
She walks out to the street
Sifts through the garbage bags
To find a personality with teeth
One she can use against us
Was it her mistake or mine
Too late to play the long odds
Long at odds with her plays
Fact meets reality meets ego
Crushed somewhere in between
We want what we can't have
God help us to realize
What we did wrong
Where she erred, where I erred
And help me find confidence
Help me find strength
To move on
Or move out

20110114-2

Wasted so much time
Algorithms and solutions
I found nothing at the end
A hollow winnowed will
Looking for love
In oncoming traffic

20110114

Disingenuous from the outset
Did you get what you wished for
I'm still here you know
In the house we bought
In the world we sought
The world you threw away
You are recycled trash now
Someone else's problem
Wherever you went
I hope they can turn you
Into something useful

20110113-3

Bred to be bred
Cotillion of entitlement
Hard-wired to succumb
No invitations, no exceptions
Flirt until they knock you down
Skirt all responsibilities
Clever ruse of the ages
Advance your status
Or else
Flip the coin
Press on the pressure
Performance of distraction
Reared on the chase
No respite, no exceptions
Play the game until you win
Primal urge ever unsatisfied
An addict of the ages
Advance your status
Or else

20110113-2

For your own safety
Define some goals
For your own sanity
Don't make them mandatory
Plans are not your savior
Focus on enjoying each day
Trying to cope with the loss of
Somebody that you used to know
You may feel happy alone
A porcelain existence
A mediocre attempt at normalcy
Write your music
Play your games
Painted back into the background
And if someone comes along
And starts scraping away at you
You will be ready, I'm sure
A litmus test
To find the acidity of your soul
A distance marker
To see how far you've come
Now that you are right
Back where you started

20110113

Talking helps they say
And it does somewhat
But what helps more
What helps more is quiet
Heaps of blessed quiet
Noise of the balance of nature
My only companion
The road, my footsteps
No one commanding me
No one admonishing me
No opinions
No distractions necessary
Only the music of progress
Toward a goal
What a sick fucking joke
I don't believe it for a second

20110112

Now I remember, now I forget
We'd had problems forever
It's amazing we lasted this long
I still need some clarification
On the reality of my situation
Seems like I risked everything
The house always wins
Why take another gamble
On "love", on relationships
Why buy another action figure
You should know better, now
Let her hop another train
I've seen where they're headed
Right off the cliff
I pity her, and everyone else
It is better to be feared
Than loved.

20111111

Another day of numbers
Insignificant significance
My numbers have power too
9:11 saw it years before
Over and over
Nine years of marriage
Divorced in '11
Means nothing really
To anyone but me
Warning signs disregarded
Intuition buried beneath
It's all surfaced now
And it's not pretty
Her majesty moved out
But I kept the crown

20110110

Got some perspective today
Cause I need more of that
I'm out of everyone's league
Need to realize it truly
Let it sink in
Swim in yourself for once
It might sound arrogant
But I need to find it in me
My self esteem, my ego
Battered and bruised
Used for someone else's benefit
Selflessness served no one
I can't change anyone else
Nor can I change me
But I can understand myself
Awaken my dormant parts
A hope beyond hope
That I'll come around

I must be avenged by the warmthness of anything - m

20110109-2

Endless drip from the tap
The flow of pain and suffering
Continues unabated, unending
She cries a daughter's tears
Expressed in simplest terms
When is mommy coming home
Never, dear
She says my ballads
Should be sung to mommy
Oh they will be
But she won't like the truth
Liars never do

20110109

Chest pains, one can only hope
Cheating death no more
Like an old friend he comes
Bearing gifts of
Mold, cattle shit, and dirt
He's followed your star so long
And now you're ready to
Take a closer walk with him
Enjoy the ride
A final time

20110108

Too busy living
To focus on dying today
Parents and weights delivered
Postponing my own dismay
My child demands attention
And I will provide it
Refresher course on sin again
A meets her men in private

20110107

Can't get over her, dammit
No matter what I do
This morning the dreams hurt
I asked for another year
But she was with her friends
And the phone was off the hook
Her laughs and jibes killed me
Admitting defeat is so hard
But you lost this one, p
I lost her, aimless and distracted
She can pretend all she wants
Her friends had the same
We had a decade
It meant more, it was more
Sick to my stomach
Grays on my head multiplying
I'm not like other guys
Like I told her
I can't get through this
Every instinct says curl up
And die
Despair at the disparity
Of emotions
She has moved on
The world has turned
Why can't I?

20110106

It was the little things really
Peck on my cheek
As I still slept, on your way out
I remember each one
Holding my hand in the theater
Warmth of shared comfort
Holding your hand in the hospital
Joy and fear handled together
Watching you graduate
Seeing you succeed
Making you laugh
Making me laugh
Seeing me through the crowd
Bringing me peace, finally
Being my first and only
Planning tomorrows with you
Smile after smile
Memory after memory
Where did we go wrong
Why can't we mend it
I finally got you into running
Only to have you run away
Some days it's simply too much
Some days like today

20110105-2

Somewhere high up above
There's a peak you can't scale
It laughs at your inability
Mocks your lack of clarity
You can stare up at it
But never see through the clouds
The apex merely a speck
On the clearest of days
Today the mist wins
But there's always tomorrow

20110105

How many more times
Must I feel the keen sting
Each word she uttered
Worn as a crown
Wormed her way to Hell
I grasp nothing but dead air
Letting her go all but impossible
Walk away from an investment?
Cupid's quiver gone empty
And yet
I still
Want
Her
Back

20110104

Boundaries have been set
Let the games begin
Coin toss into oblivion
The stands are empty
Except for one little girl
She didn't buy a ticket
But she's here just the same
No need to keep score
Both teams destined to lose
The clock is running down
No timeouts for either of us
Play until your last breath
Or whisper a forfeit
Game, set, match

20110103-2

The things I say to myself:
"there is no point"
"there is no hope"
"I hate my life"

I guess I never realized how unhappy I was in this marriage. The truth is that I'm out of her league and everyone knew it but me. If that sounds conceited, so be it, but I think her actions and reactions have proven it time and time again. The real reason she is leaving is because she doesn't want to be part of a family anymore. She doesn't know what she wants, but she knows what she doesn't want. Us. I wonder if she has a lifetime worth of shame or if after a year she'll try to come back. I have to be strong, stronger than I've ever been, to get through this. And after I am done with that process, it is quite likely that I'll no longer love her, and that is terrible, but maybe it is the best outcome. Right now I just feel like I cannot do this right on my own, and her help isn't worth much of anything.

20110103

Nothing ventured
Nothing gained
Never risky
Never the same
She is done with family
And yet wants their support
She has finally gone crazy
Nothing else to report
I'm done being "jealous"
No more secrets today
The papers are in
Just send her away

20110102

Paperwork prepared dimly
The blackbird takes flight
Cry foul yet again
No one hears but the sky
She sobs on my lap
Asks when you'll come back
Fingers cold and brittle
Scrounging for loose change
She took it all this time
Our tears are at your doorstep
But you're locked up tight

20110101

Here I sit
On a throne of shit
Ushering in the new year
Compromise takes a last breath
Faith sheds another tear
Resolutions? I have a few
Thin and far between
Just to see me through
Alone in the machine
2010 closes with no one to kiss
2011 opens with a hug from m