20120229

leap day.

breakfast: leftover cheerios (this means i ate the stuff left in the bowl after kiddo btw)
lunch: grilled chicken and asparagus
post-work snack: beef jerky, walnuts, milk
dinner: sweet potato

lunchtime workout, feeling good!!!

Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 10 reps (+68 pts)
185 lb x 10 reps (+95 pts)
185 lb x 10 reps (+95 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+81 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+81 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
Reverse Cable Curl:
50 lb x 10 reps (+16 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
Cable Crunch:
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
Standing Barbell Shoulder Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+54 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+54 pts)
95 lb x 1 reps (+31 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+54 pts)

kiddo brought home all kinds of social involvement requirement shit that makes me want to vomit. like, they want to have all the girls in her class do a lip sync thing and actually practice at some mom's house every Sunday for an hour. like i want to drive my unhappy ass to some woman's house for an hour every Sunday. fuck that noise.

20120227

rest day. we'll see.

lunch: grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese dressing
dinner: grilled philly beef salad, no dressing

if i can hold out and not eat again, i win for the day. i'm going to test myself and win. fucking own my mind.

this has apparently become much harder than i could have imagined.

20120227

monday as fuck.

3.01 mi / 28:10 / 9.22 min/mi avg

suck it, foot injury.

breakfast: leftover cheerios from kiddo
lunch: grilled chicken and mixed veggies, sour cream
afternoon snack: protein and more chicken and some cereal
dinner: meat salad

holy fuck i'm hungry after that run.

20120226

lessee, we went to the big park and stuff. it was a beautiful day, but she wasn't as active as i would have liked. i limited tv and that didn't go over well. we went to burlington coat factory and picked up some clothes for tomorrow, she has to dress as a literary character. we chose fancy nancy.

breakfast: three egg omelet
lunch: i totally forget, possibly nothing
dinner: humdingers salmon and sweet potato
midnight snack: bowl of cheerios

20120225

parentals are coming up in just a bit. just finished my morning sweep of the house for cleaning. my friend's wedding is tonight; going to pick up m from bitchface and take her along with. she has a really beautiful new dress. i can hopefully go for a run if it warms up a bit. i'm probably just going to do three again, don't want to push it and get sick. time to hydrate!

breakfast:

Running:
0:42:05 || 4 mi (+407 pts)
trying out some brooks glycerin 9s
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+57 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+81 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+81 pts)
135 lb x 20 reps (+76 pts)

lunch: humdinger's amberjack with cucumber/lime sauce, grilled sweet potatoes and rice
dinner: ham and turkey and cheese

20120224

once more into the breach, dear friends, once more.

had to fend off another nastygram from bitchface. in this episode, she actually called me "childish" for "threatening to collect back child support." my response:

m's child support has nothing to do with me, strictly speaking. That compensation is between you and the state. I am merely the agent for our daughter in order to collect. You can call me whatever you want, but it doesn't change your obligation. You owe a debt to our daughter, and frankly after all you've done, the money is just the tip of the iceberg.

Childish is running around on me for years, breaking my heart, blaming me for ignoring or smothering you, bailing when you finally got caught, and breaking your promise to me. m's child support is not childish. It's not a promise, so you can't break it.

lunch: amy's cream of tomato soup (oh fuck it was good) and tuna
snack(fuck): dark chocolate with orange
dinner: four egg and cheese omelet

20120223

lunch: greek omelet
dinner: apple and bacon
snack: sweet potato and protein

20120222

lunch: ultimate salad at newk's
dinner: fish sticks and veggies
snack: walnuts and cheerios and milk, oh and protein

lift big and fuck society

20120221

breakfast: leftover cheerios
lunch: salad bar at jason's deli
dinner: chicken and sour cream, lima beans

20120220

ate: stuff.
played: music.
mood: good.

20120219

breakfast: apple
lunch: grilled chicken, sour cream
snack: baby cereal

today one of m's friends is over for a playdate. this is the first one of these i've ever handled by myself. i'm doing okay four hours in, although my spidey sense tingles at the merest suggestion of injury. they played here for a bit, then i took them to the park, and now they're back here painting each others faces. yeah, i kinda rule. yep, they had a blast, dropped her off at 6:30. how badass a dad am i? i totally knew i could do it. any other platitudes or did i cover them all?

i think i'm going to take them over to mcd's for some grub and then drop her off at her place about six. i'm then going to try and actually lift some weights. i have tomorrow off work, since kiddo does too. probably will go down to the folks house as its mom's birthday.

20120218

breakfast: two mini egg muffins
lunch: leftover beef stew

two hours at build-a-bear. it wasnt that bad. although im so introverted, the moms probably just find me creepy.

bought Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking randomly

20120217

been working out and just realized it had almost been a full month since i'd run. so i ran. three miles. yeah.

lunch: grilled chicken and asparagus
dinner: homemade beef stew
fucking snack: kashi cereal fuck

up in the middle of the night again, destroying my calorie deficit as usual

20120216

lunch: hot dog and sauerkraut (take that spelling nazi!)
dinner: grilled t-bone and mixed veggies

20120215

lunch: grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese
dinner: ANOTHER GRILLED CHICKEN SALAD BUT THIS ONE WAS HOMEMADE

i'm going to work out this afternoon, by damn.

20120214

fuck valentine's day.

breakfast: banana
lunch: grouper, rice, asparagus
dinner: canned chicken, broccoli, cauliflower

my tummy is hurted.

20120213

breakfast: two egg muffins (200 cal)
lunch: grilled chicken, sour cream, nuts, milk (700 cal)
dinnner: grilled philly beef salad (600 cal)
snack: protein shake (200 cal)
total: 1700

20120212

i love that my ex wants everything kept at her house when my kid spends four days a month there, yet decides to drop off two bags of candy with her when she returns her to my house. also, my kid spent some time in "child care" while mommy worked out. which i won't begrudge, except she has paid zero child support this year. argh!

20120211-3

grocery list.. only a few things missing i think:

charmin toilet paper (30 ct)
kleenex boxes (4 ct)
wisk
2% milk (1 gal)
almonds
walnuts
light sour cream (2)
tyson frozen grilled chicken (4 bags)
frozen brussel sprouts
frozen broccoli and cauliflower
ketchup
bison meat
turkey bologna
kroger turkey breast
kroger honey ham (2)
t-bone steak
kroger mixed unsalted nuts (3 ct)
colby jack cheese slices
glad scented kitchen garbage bag
tea bags
orange scented dish detergent tabs (32 ct)
uncured bacon
beef (for stew)
sauerkraut
spam (impulse buy)
del monte canned asparagus (2)
canned corn
canned tomatoes (2)
canned chicken (6)
dog food
steamed veggies
bagged salad
little drumsticks for m
mini mac&cheese for m
jerky (8) .. oh fuck, just the jerky was $48
more canned tomatoes
canned beets
chocolate bar
snackimals for m
aluminium foil
jif peanut butter
lunchables for m (2 ct)
hebrew franks
frozen veggies
sweet potatoes (2 ct)
avocado (2 ct)
apples (2 ct)
bananas
rotel canned tomatoes (2 ct)
oroweat bread
eggs (12 ct)
local honey
liquid pipe cleaner

total: $346.82

20120211-2

i honored your request, sorry it's nasally i've been crying:

i wear a curse, hidden from view
what's all the fuss, i thought you knew
jack of all trades, master of none,
what kind of fate, have you earned

capo on 3
---------------------------
---------------------------
---------------2-------4---
-2-----5-5-5-3-1-5-5-4-4-2-
-2-3-5-3-4-6-5-2-3-4-5-6-2-
---3-5---------------5-----

20120211-sketch.mp3

20120211

brunch: tuna salad with bacon
lunch: leftover stew
dinner: massive sweet potato

my neck is again fucked. time to paint kiddo's room!

20120210

fuck me, i can't stop gaining weight, i can't workout, i'm about to go INSANE)(!@#$UY&*(!@Y$&*!@#G*R!@#*T&Y@G#FHBUI#@"

i do have to put this here for safekeeping. i'll probably need it in about 10 years.



lunch: philly chicken salad (700 cal)
dinner: bison stew, lots (900 cal)
total: 1500 cal

20120209

lunch: garden and the lamb omelet; gyro meat, feta & mozzarella, spinach, tomatoes, green onions (600 cal)
dinner: two beef hot dogs, saurkraut, and brussel sprouts (700 cal)
snack: carrots (100 cal)
snack: baby cereal - yeah fuck you too (200 cal)
total: 1600

20120208

still have a pain/pressure point in the back of my head. i'm sure it's fine. maybe this is how life is for me from here on out.

breakfast: banana (100 cal)
lunch: half chicken, asparagus, rice (700 cal)
dinner: grilled chicken philly salad at lenny's (600 cal)
snack: nuts (100 cal)
total: 1500 cal

still there this afternoon. damnit.

20120207

motherfucker. okay. can't lose weight. time for a food diary. motherfucker.

breakfast: four pieces of bacon (200 cal)
lunch: grilled chicken salad with no croutons and bleu cheese dressing (600 cal)
dinner: tyson grilled and ready chicken strips, mixed veggies (700 cal)
total: 1500 cal

if i can keep my shit together and let that be it for the day i'll have done well.

no working out today, foot is still fucked, neck is still fucked.

did i mention motherfucker?

20120205-2

this headache is a bummer.

indian food - palak paneer, mixed veggies, chicken curry, more mixed veggies
sweet potato, large
grilled chicken and sour cream
m&ms (mini pack) and almonds

estimated calories: 2000?

watched "the goods: live hard sell hard". it was funny. i guess i needed that.

can't think clearly in the least.

although i did have a witty line on irc earlier.
"these farts are so bad the jew neighbors smeared blood on their door just in case"

also i sent this to a few musically inclined friends:

20120205

well, i feel a little better after a nap some kinect and working out. beatles provided the soundtrack tonight. here's the routine:

Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+57 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+81 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+81 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+91 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+91 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+101 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
50 lb x 5 reps (+5 pts)
50 lb x 5 reps (+5 pts)
50 lb x 5 reps (+5 pts)
50 lb x 5 reps (+5 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+7 pts)
Bent Over Barbell Row:
65 lb x 10 reps (+21 pts)
95 lb x 5 reps (+22 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+32 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+32 pts)
Push-Up:
20 reps (+30 pts)

20120204

My inevitable downturn in mood has been slow and torturous this week. A few isolated events occurred and I cannot seem to control my emotions.

I was loading my old weight bench into the car to take down to a family member, and while i was doing so, kiddo was gathering pictures on the computer to draw. when i came back in she was on youtube and watching something called "scream". i yelled at her until i realized it wasn't the movie scream, it was a song called scream from high school musical.

bitchface asked to talk to her tonight and i allowed it. five minutes of promises and excitement later, i hear that their new puppy is sleeping under the boyfriend's feet. something about that scene made me just snap, and i went into the other room with the guitar and cried for a few minutes.

in addition, my little girl lifted up my shirt and asked me when the weight loss is supposed to start. she was being innocent, but the damage was done.

also i woke up this morning with a burnt tongue. the fault of the sweet potato last night.

i did break in the new cast iron skillet with some bacon and eggs. but my mood is total shit.

kiddo was supposed to get her hair cut but the stylist has addison's disease and couldn't make the appt.

anyway, a lot of little things added up to one big mood swing. i feel like i need to just cover my ears, hold on and ride this little raft i'm on over the waterfall.

also, my neck is still fucked. and so is my foot. and it's raining. i can't run. i can't lift. all i can do is eat and live. poorly.

enough with the whining, you say.

well, it's the inevitability of failure that goes part and parcel with life. that's what's got me. my parents will die. not today. probably not next month. maybe not next year. definitely sometime in the future. and that implied, impending suffering is in the back of my head at all times, torturing me. when i climb into bed, it's there. i remember the last thing i said to my mother. every night.

man up, you say, don't live life like that.

all systems fail. my body, my marriage, my family, my friends, everything and everyone, has taught me that.

so there it is, bearing my soul again. like a goddamned pussy. and if i make it through whatever's wrong with my brain this time, i'll look back on this and wonder how i ever could have arrived here. that, or it'll all make sense. finally.

i'm useless around women. yesterday taught me that. i can't put the pieces together.

over a year of concentrated "fitness" goals and i've lost like 10 lbs. nowhere near a dent.

no woman. nothing but me myself and my kid. and some new paint. fuck.

20120202

i havent really been logging my meals/workouts on here lately. this is because i have been logging them on fitocracy already (which automatically shares to facebook, set to private). for posterity, here's today:

lunch: grilled chicken salad (no croutons) and bleu cheese
dinner: grilled chicken philly salad at lenny's deli
snack: apple and pb
vitamins and fish oil pills

i squatted 225 a few days ago, which is my first squat for more than my bodyweight.

yesterday's workout:
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
moar squats pls
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)

tonight's workout:
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 10 reps (+85 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+67 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+67 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+67 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+67 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+67 pts)
Standing Barbell Shoulder Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+42 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+42 pts)
65 lb x 8 reps (+39 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+29 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
90 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)

20120201

so we start another month. i seem to have my shit together on the surface. taxes filed early, bills paid well in advance, child loved and provided for. i'm still learning to cook effectively for her. i bought a cookbook:

Amazon.com: Well Fed: Paleo Recipes for People Who Love to Eat

which we're going to go through and mark some recipes.

I still have a huge body image problem. We've had a mild winter here, and it's warmed up.. this is the bane of the distorted soul. I wore no jacket this morning and had to keep repeating "wear it like a crown" in my head. At least I'm pretty sure it was in my head. I may have been talking to myself. I hope not.

I'm settling into Malloy by Beckett. His prose is much different from the safer authors I usually read, but it's starting to stick.

I'm sleep-eating again. I have just realized that this phenomenon only occurs after i've dealt with the ex. My friend suggested a baby gate. Personally I think my fridge needs a missile defense system.

The songwriting is still plodding along unawares. I need to get my guitar fixed up, but then, I need to do a lot of things. Today the plan is to call the tree guy to see about removing the impending doom that sways perilously mere feet from my bedroom window. Can you tell I'm waxing poetic this morning?

Latest literary acquisitions:
Three Novels: Malloy, Malone Dies, The Unnameable
Gladiator (Bison Frontiers of Imagination)
Getting it in the Head: Stories