My inevitable downturn in mood has been slow and torturous this week. A few isolated events occurred and I cannot seem to control my emotions.
I was loading my old weight bench into the car to take down to a family member, and while i was doing so, kiddo was gathering pictures on the computer to draw. when i came back in she was on youtube and watching something called "scream". i yelled at her until i realized it wasn't the movie scream, it was a song called scream from high school musical.
bitchface asked to talk to her tonight and i allowed it. five minutes of promises and excitement later, i hear that their new puppy is sleeping under the boyfriend's feet. something about that scene made me just snap, and i went into the other room with the guitar and cried for a few minutes.
in addition, my little girl lifted up my shirt and asked me when the weight loss is supposed to start. she was being innocent, but the damage was done.
also i woke up this morning with a burnt tongue. the fault of the sweet potato last night.
i did break in the new cast iron skillet with some bacon and eggs. but my mood is total shit.
kiddo was supposed to get her hair cut but the stylist has addison's disease and couldn't make the appt.
anyway, a lot of little things added up to one big mood swing. i feel like i need to just cover my ears, hold on and ride this little raft i'm on over the waterfall.
also, my neck is still fucked. and so is my foot. and it's raining. i can't run. i can't lift. all i can do is eat and live. poorly.
enough with the whining, you say.
well, it's the inevitability of failure that goes part and parcel with life. that's what's got me. my parents will die. not today. probably not next month. maybe not next year. definitely sometime in the future. and that implied, impending suffering is in the back of my head at all times, torturing me. when i climb into bed, it's there. i remember the last thing i said to my mother. every night.
man up, you say, don't live life like that.
all systems fail. my body, my marriage, my family, my friends, everything and everyone, has taught me that.
so there it is, bearing my soul again. like a goddamned pussy. and if i make it through whatever's wrong with my brain this time, i'll look back on this and wonder how i ever could have arrived here. that, or it'll all make sense. finally.
i'm useless around women. yesterday taught me that. i can't put the pieces together.
over a year of concentrated "fitness" goals and i've lost like 10 lbs. nowhere near a dent.
no woman. nothing but me myself and my kid. and some new paint. fuck.
