woke up to water streaming into my bathroom. my dog is blind. his diapers arrived. i hate existence.
EXTREME suicidal thoughts the last few days. world still on blast. have unread messages. like chuck schuldiner said.. empty words.
here's the menu for the day, who knows, maybe this mood is the sugar leaving the body.
this won't be a permanent addition to the blog, but let's see if it lasts a week or so ..
breakfast: steel cut oats, coffee
lunch: chicken, squash, salad, coffee
dinner: ribeye, asparagus, sweet potato, coffee
lifting: supersets of benchpress and lat pulldown, followed by chins and curls
20151228
20151227
20151227
had what is essentially the first positive experience in church in many years.
the homily was about kids. that we as a society have become convinced that kids are a burden, instead of a gift. said something like 90% of babies with down syndrome are aborted in europe.
not sure how i feel about that one. sounds pretty horrible though.
also said people should stop snickering at families who have more than two kids. he's right about that, and i am guilty of doing this in the past, to a few of the moms with a bunch.
prayed for my kiddo to have a good week, for my parents continued health, and to conquer my fears. pretty much the same prayer every time.
---
started my de-carbification yesterday. tossed out all the candy, went to the grocery store last night and picked up a laundry list of meats, veggies, and stuff. here's today:
breakfast: four egg omelet
lifting: two supersets, 50 squats+rows 135x10x5, 40x10x5, 15 dips+cable seated rows 5x3, 120x10x3
dinner: chicken casserole (chicken, cream of chicken, broth, jasmine rice, melty cheese)
planning on some evening lifting if i get the urge. 50 squats is probably gonna put me on the bench for some upper body sets
---
got a roomba.. big success so far.
the homily was about kids. that we as a society have become convinced that kids are a burden, instead of a gift. said something like 90% of babies with down syndrome are aborted in europe.
not sure how i feel about that one. sounds pretty horrible though.
also said people should stop snickering at families who have more than two kids. he's right about that, and i am guilty of doing this in the past, to a few of the moms with a bunch.
prayed for my kiddo to have a good week, for my parents continued health, and to conquer my fears. pretty much the same prayer every time.
---
started my de-carbification yesterday. tossed out all the candy, went to the grocery store last night and picked up a laundry list of meats, veggies, and stuff. here's today:
breakfast: four egg omelet
lifting: two supersets, 50 squats+rows 135x10x5, 40x10x5, 15 dips+cable seated rows 5x3, 120x10x3
dinner: chicken casserole (chicken, cream of chicken, broth, jasmine rice, melty cheese)
planning on some evening lifting if i get the urge. 50 squats is probably gonna put me on the bench for some upper body sets
---
got a roomba.. big success so far.
20151224
20151224
Holy shit, went for a run and my depression seemed to worsen. The entire way back I was ruminating on the following pessismist's tautology:
if your parents convince you the only way to true happiness is through the lord Jesus Christ, if you get nothing out of religion, they have nurtured you towards never knowing true happiness.
Now isn't that a pleasant thought. Going to clean my fat self after that pointless bit of exertion and prepare to again waste an hour of my life reaching for a faith that eludes me.
20151221
20151217
20151217
curious how so many hate us around the globe even after all the supposed outreach and charity.
to te rest of the world, we are the 1%.
to te rest of the world, we are the 1%.
20151208
20151204
20151204
new life is welcomed into this world, and older life is ushered out.
my former sister-in-law gave birth, so kiddo has another cousin.
and scott weiland checked out.
life is cyclical, happy and sad at the same time. i'm ready for some happy though. maybe next year.
my former sister-in-law gave birth, so kiddo has another cousin.
and scott weiland checked out.
life is cyclical, happy and sad at the same time. i'm ready for some happy though. maybe next year.
20151203
20151201
20151201
so m convinced me to set up the tree last night. christmas has been bittersweet for me for the last few years, as things came off the rails during this season. decorating the tree with bing or louis or andy stirs those emotions again. maybe I'll start some new traditions this year, buy a new ornament or something.
20151124
20151114
20151114
praying for peace is settling for war.
these complacent, westernized social media butterflies, content to click their fingers a few times in solidarity, have no conception of the enemy we face.
they don't care a lick about that oh-so-grand gesture of changing a profile photo. they want to kill you, me, and everyone else.
we are as soft as the romans before us. words and mouse clicks. what a sad state of affairs.
these complacent, westernized social media butterflies, content to click their fingers a few times in solidarity, have no conception of the enemy we face.
they don't care a lick about that oh-so-grand gesture of changing a profile photo. they want to kill you, me, and everyone else.
we are as soft as the romans before us. words and mouse clicks. what a sad state of affairs.
20151101
20151101-3
"of the people, for the people"? in actuality, it's "over the people, on the people".
with religion on the downswing, politics appears to be the new opiate of the masses.
i mean you take a multitude of issues and define polar opposite stances for each, and leave people a tacit choice therein, knowing full well this creates an untenable situation, an unsolvable problem.
all the while, those who buy in to this perennial kick-fight circling the pit of "progress" or what-have-you... what do they have to look forward to? stress and frustration. luckily, we have the prescription drug industry at the beck and call of society, ready to swoop in with a bevy of options, each with their own warnings and side effects, to quell the stress, to alleviate the frustration.
the social media, the echo chambers, the talking heads, the constant anti-magnetism exhibited from adjoining seats, chairs and aisles on tv. of all it, the lowest hanging fruit for a society starved for attention and validation.
and people buy into all of this bullshit willingly. it's baffling.
with religion on the downswing, politics appears to be the new opiate of the masses.
i mean you take a multitude of issues and define polar opposite stances for each, and leave people a tacit choice therein, knowing full well this creates an untenable situation, an unsolvable problem.
all the while, those who buy in to this perennial kick-fight circling the pit of "progress" or what-have-you... what do they have to look forward to? stress and frustration. luckily, we have the prescription drug industry at the beck and call of society, ready to swoop in with a bevy of options, each with their own warnings and side effects, to quell the stress, to alleviate the frustration.
the social media, the echo chambers, the talking heads, the constant anti-magnetism exhibited from adjoining seats, chairs and aisles on tv. of all it, the lowest hanging fruit for a society starved for attention and validation.
and people buy into all of this bullshit willingly. it's baffling.
20151101-2
woke up. had coffee. dressed out to go ride bikes, the guilt of a thousand sins reeling within me. realized i was given an extra hour.
got about a fourth of a mile down the road and turned around, screaming to myself, out in the open, scars revealed to the world.
showered, went to church, wrote god a check, kept to myself.
got out, drove home, and here i sit, again dressed out to ride my bike. the following song was my soundtrack for the ride home.
my dichotomy. my struggle. my balance?
still amazed colbert put this group on national television in america.
got about a fourth of a mile down the road and turned around, screaming to myself, out in the open, scars revealed to the world.
showered, went to church, wrote god a check, kept to myself.
got out, drove home, and here i sit, again dressed out to ride my bike. the following song was my soundtrack for the ride home.
my dichotomy. my struggle. my balance?
still amazed colbert put this group on national television in america.
20151031
20151030
20151030
self-destructive lately. a whole week of it has been not very fun for me or anyone around me.
balancing the facade of religion, the immeasurable pull of a fractious family, and the complete isolation disconnected severed fucking limb of random acquaintances in a social setting.
balancing the facade of religion, the immeasurable pull of a fractious family, and the complete isolation disconnected severed fucking limb of random acquaintances in a social setting.
20151023
20151023
Yesterday's damage (if we're being honest):
Chicken strips and cottage cheese
Bologna sandwich, carrots, vitamin water
12 wings from wing stop, Veggie sticks, fries, and ranch
Two bowls of cereal
Ice cream and peanut butter
20151022
20151021
20151021-2
napped. didn't go to a show i bought a ticket for. fuckit.
it's gotten worse. how in the world did it get worse. bought fucking cologne. why. might as well attract the flies.
it's gotten worse. how in the world did it get worse. bought fucking cologne. why. might as well attract the flies.
Every day it just goes faster and faster. To what end.
20151021
The transition in a girl's eyes after she's finally lost interest in you after you not responding to her clear signals is more heartwrenching than a thousand tragedies. And yet I've seen it multiple times. And it's my fault.
20151019
20151019-2
Did not exercise. Now in bed. Depression coming through in waves.
At least I'm getting tired now. Fuck it.
20151019
been awhile. still good. i won't ever re-read the dark tower series, but it'll always be a part of me.
20151017
20151017
Today (in order of appearance):
Awoke, fed dog, let dog out, made coffee
Started cleaning kitchen, ended up removing windows from kitchen for deep cleaning, hosed down blinds, showed kiddo garden spider, mopped floor, did dishes, started laundry (two loads)
Kiddo played dragon quest
Former in-laws showed up to pick her up, they dropped off a silly old toy stroller and my former bedroom mirror which took me five years to get back (requested)
Started watching my alma mater begin to lose to the local shithead football team
Decided to go trail running instead of watching it
Came back, checked the score, decided my run was a great decision
Ate some lunch
Continued to clean things randomly, including the rug, the chair, vacuuming, etc
Played some more dragon quest
Made a toasted sandwich for dinner
Did some more laundry
Played some more dragon quest
And now I am watching Breakfast Club, realizing I've watched it censored countless times but never uncensored. I'd actually like a censored version so my kiddo could watch it with me. :/
20151016
20151016
dog messes served as my wake up call this morning. then my water spilled. forgot to get my child's drink as well. this is not how a friday is supposed to start.
think i'm going running for lunch.
think i'm going running for lunch.
20151015
20151015
ok no. the world is not conspiring against me.
i go to restaurants for lunch and waiters just give me free pie.
my kid wins a volleyball game and we go to tcby.
etc etc.
these are conscious choices i make.
i will fight this. and win.
damnit.
---
the ex's parents are here to help her move out of stbx2's house and get a car. talked to former father-in-law for a good while. poor guy. knows his daughter is a fuckup.
---
off to lift a little weight and listen to NiN on my headphones.
i go to restaurants for lunch and waiters just give me free pie.
my kid wins a volleyball game and we go to tcby.
etc etc.
these are conscious choices i make.
i will fight this. and win.
damnit.
---
the ex's parents are here to help her move out of stbx2's house and get a car. talked to former father-in-law for a good while. poor guy. knows his daughter is a fuckup.
---
off to lift a little weight and listen to NiN on my headphones.
20151013
20151011
20151011
School function for kiddo. Tired, hair's a mess, knew it wouldn't go well, and it didn't. Too many moms talking to me, at me, through me. No place to hide, nowhere to run. Cold and awkward, I couldn't eject fast enough. It's moments like this when suicide pulls at me the most. When social inanity and enmity converge in a perfect storm of self loathing. Maybe I just needed a nap or a haircut to avoid this.
I'll take a nap now.
This is more than fear.
20151010
20151010
Having lunch by myself, as my child managed to convince me she should get ice cream with a friend after her soccer game.
Ran early this morning. It was nice. Some thoughts after my morning run:
Carrying a plastic bag on your dog walk does not preclude you from cleaning up after him when he poops right in front of you.
A front yard at a garage sale does not a changing room make.
Bitchface wants me to take her Yorkie so she can buy a big dog to protect her in her new apartment. Ignored.
No idea what I'm doing this afternoon.
This lady sitting next to me is talking these two guys' poor heads off. I'm not sure she's taken a breath yet, in about 30 minutes.
20151009
20151009
my old friend and coworker is going to press me to refinance.
we had a really good day at work.
the super sub shop we went to is excellent.
the counselor girl who has a crush on me in my kids after care was not working today, so i was able to pick my kid up without incident.
intended on going to a free concert tonight, but it rained. napped instead. fair trade.
up now and no idea what i should do. maybe nothing.
we had a really good day at work.
the super sub shop we went to is excellent.
the counselor girl who has a crush on me in my kids after care was not working today, so i was able to pick my kid up without incident.
intended on going to a free concert tonight, but it rained. napped instead. fair trade.
up now and no idea what i should do. maybe nothing.
20151008
20151007
20151007-2
Sitting here full of regret that I didn't go to Foo Fighters. Asked the kid and she said "who?" And they had tickets left.
Now I'm sitting here in my workout room realizing how much I've fucking sacrificed on the altar of dad and how I've replaced who I hid behind during my marriage to whom I hide behind now.
What the hell, it's only a fucking music concert.
20151006
ok.
lately, i've been having some troubles connecting the dots mentally.
people asking me questions and having no answer. simple things, like, "who is your doctor" or "who is your team playing this weekend" or other somewhat mundane topics.
i realize that my mind or brain has been foggy for an indeterminate amount of time. i'm not sure when or how this started, nor am i sure of the cause.
tied to this realization is the fact that i have stopped writing songs, or writing in general. expressing myself has come so easily in the past that the inability to do it feels crippling and awkward.
so this entry is me trying to fight against this fog in my mind; trying to break through the mental wall that stands before me.
i don't feel like i'd be able to carry on a normal conversation with a person at this point. indeed, i sat next to some other parents tonight and was unable to answer simple questions or even make smalltalk.
of course, smalltalk has never really interested me; for most of those people, it's the world they live in.
i was having severe, uneasy mindaches after her game last night. these are not normal headaches, they're like a tension thing where i'm unable to pinpoint the source. and they're excruciating.
this post doesn't really have a rudder. i would like to write something poignant just to prove i can still open my mind's eye, but i can't seem to find the well.. or maybe it's dry.
anyway, it's midnight, i'm going to try and force something out anyway.
---
the clever paradigms found under mind
unwittingly purchased on borrowed time
the seed unseated whirls the dervish unkind
a death retweeted from a service unsigned
recalled to the latest brinkmanships
to fall on a lady's winks and quips
a stall on the climb, the clever eclipse
the wall and weather will never outstrip
a feeling of silence reflecting back
to a dealing of violence, so clever this knack
for skirting the danger of seeming attack
disinterested suitors who wish to turn back
the clock lacks sleep, and empathy too
while staring away at the person we knew
unable to follow the simplest cues
forever for never so clever so soon
---
better than nothing i suppose. maybe i can sleep now.
i really wanted to use 'digderidoo' in the last stanza. it rhymes well with "empathy too".
i listened to a 10 hour didgeridoo thing on youtube while composing this. i also irc'ed.
bought disgaea 5 for ps4 and it showed up tonight. kiddo won her volleyball game.
it wasn't an altogether horrible day. stay positive, p.
lately, i've been having some troubles connecting the dots mentally.
people asking me questions and having no answer. simple things, like, "who is your doctor" or "who is your team playing this weekend" or other somewhat mundane topics.
i realize that my mind or brain has been foggy for an indeterminate amount of time. i'm not sure when or how this started, nor am i sure of the cause.
tied to this realization is the fact that i have stopped writing songs, or writing in general. expressing myself has come so easily in the past that the inability to do it feels crippling and awkward.
so this entry is me trying to fight against this fog in my mind; trying to break through the mental wall that stands before me.
i don't feel like i'd be able to carry on a normal conversation with a person at this point. indeed, i sat next to some other parents tonight and was unable to answer simple questions or even make smalltalk.
of course, smalltalk has never really interested me; for most of those people, it's the world they live in.
i was having severe, uneasy mindaches after her game last night. these are not normal headaches, they're like a tension thing where i'm unable to pinpoint the source. and they're excruciating.
this post doesn't really have a rudder. i would like to write something poignant just to prove i can still open my mind's eye, but i can't seem to find the well.. or maybe it's dry.
anyway, it's midnight, i'm going to try and force something out anyway.
---
the clever paradigms found under mind
unwittingly purchased on borrowed time
the seed unseated whirls the dervish unkind
a death retweeted from a service unsigned
recalled to the latest brinkmanships
to fall on a lady's winks and quips
a stall on the climb, the clever eclipse
the wall and weather will never outstrip
a feeling of silence reflecting back
to a dealing of violence, so clever this knack
for skirting the danger of seeming attack
disinterested suitors who wish to turn back
the clock lacks sleep, and empathy too
while staring away at the person we knew
unable to follow the simplest cues
forever for never so clever so soon
---
better than nothing i suppose. maybe i can sleep now.
i really wanted to use 'digderidoo' in the last stanza. it rhymes well with "empathy too".
i listened to a 10 hour didgeridoo thing on youtube while composing this. i also irc'ed.
bought disgaea 5 for ps4 and it showed up tonight. kiddo won her volleyball game.
it wasn't an altogether horrible day. stay positive, p.
20151003
20151003
parties/sleepovers/etc all went well.
even did a 5k today.
made a decision out of fear afterwards though. can't win em all.
---
i am sorry, you know. one day i'll stop apologizing, i know it's grating. anyway... is this better in the long run?
even did a 5k today.
made a decision out of fear afterwards though. can't win em all.
---
i am sorry, you know. one day i'll stop apologizing, i know it's grating. anyway... is this better in the long run?
20150930
20150930
yeah i'm nuts. i considered for a moment that mood altering chemicals might be in our food, such that depression and anxiety are a result of our diet.
that's nuts! ... but it would sell a lot of prescription drugs!
that's nuts! ... but it would sell a lot of prescription drugs!
20150929
20150929
I am going to die. Everyone I've ever loved, including my child, will die too. I can either endlessly lament this fact, fight it, as I have for so long, or simply ACCEPT it and move on with my life. Content to push ahead and to never again make a decision out of fear.
I must surround myself with positive people. I must forestall the demons that shutter my mouth and contain my thoughts in the presence of others, out of propriety, shyness, out of weakness.
I must just be me.
Vulnerable. It's alright.
Guide me safely in.
also, paz is fucking hot in this video.
Every decision I've made from a place of fear has been a failure. And what's the point of fear when you're willing to accept mortality as a given, without fear, and push past the worry, the guilt, and the EMOTION of it all.
I vow to strive to never again make a decision from a place of fear. I will fail at this, from time to time, but I will consciously remind myself of this moment, when clarity of purpose finally defeated the uncertainty of doubt.
I must surround myself with positive people. I must forestall the demons that shutter my mouth and contain my thoughts in the presence of others, out of propriety, shyness, out of weakness.
I must just be me.
Vulnerable. It's alright.
Guide me safely in.
also, paz is fucking hot in this video.
20150928
There are few things more reprehensible than a bunch of rich, entitled, ostensibly Catholic private school kids yelling "body slam her" and "hurt #10" at an elementary school soccer game.
20150928
20150926
20150926-2
Got about four hours of sleep. It's now 5am. Still surreal, surrounded by old faces in old places. Was convinced by one of my only hs friends to even go.
Honestly it was really good to reconnect with two other old friends. I guess I should've counted on the fact that mainly the jocks would come to something like this: very few of the kids I had class with showed.
And then there was that one autistic ultra right wing lunatic guy who wouldn't leave me alone the entire night. My friend told him off multiple times but it never sunk in.
There was a football game too, I guess.
Im really glad that my friend invited me to his place afterwards though. We had a few beers and just chilled.
There was an entire Facebook thread of bigotry and stupidity leading up to this, as the jacks planned a house party that I'm gonna be nowhere near. I turned it into a mini-game, blocking pretty much the lot of them. Glad to be done with it. Fuck that place.
20150921
20150921
i just realized something.
i need/deserve a decent guitar. no, a *nice* guitar.
i've spent a lot of money on bullshit lately, but i should really pony up and get a taylor or something that i can play and be proud of for the rest of my life.
hmm.
i need/deserve a decent guitar. no, a *nice* guitar.
i've spent a lot of money on bullshit lately, but i should really pony up and get a taylor or something that i can play and be proud of for the rest of my life.
hmm.
20150919
20150919
wow. are you fucking kidding me.
pulling into grocery store after picking up kidlet. bitchface calls. sigh. she's on speakerphone in the parking lot.
crying.
telling me her dad is not gonna buy the car. it's in her STBX's name. of course.
so she's gonna need to go buy a car. of course.
and she doesn't want to go by herself. she wants a man with her. of course.
her credit is undoubtedly so shredded that purchasing a car will be nigh impossible.
more crying. of course.
and my kid is nodding at me telling me to go. i told her
"i'll think about it"
but i'm going to suggest her cousin go with her. because he's a fucking mechanic. and also i just don't want to go.
the last thing on earth i need is to dive into that fucking drama again.
pulling into grocery store after picking up kidlet. bitchface calls. sigh. she's on speakerphone in the parking lot.
crying.
telling me her dad is not gonna buy the car. it's in her STBX's name. of course.
so she's gonna need to go buy a car. of course.
and she doesn't want to go by herself. she wants a man with her. of course.
her credit is undoubtedly so shredded that purchasing a car will be nigh impossible.
more crying. of course.
and my kid is nodding at me telling me to go. i told her
"i'll think about it"
but i'm going to suggest her cousin go with her. because he's a fucking mechanic. and also i just don't want to go.
the last thing on earth i need is to dive into that fucking drama again.
20150918
20150918
almost the same line, albeit on synth. maybe this was the song i was looking for. anyway, i've now found both!
20150915
20150915-2
this is one of the happiest days of my entire life. no hyperbole. for one of the most silly, inconsequential reasons ever.
a song with one of most badass diminished horn lines has eluded my identification for the greater part of my life. i've heard it countless times and never been able to pin it down.. until tonight. kiddo and i sat in a new restaurant in midtown tonight and damnit if it didn't start up in the background, horn line and all. crowded restaurant or not, i stopped her mid-sentence and held my phone up until shazam nailed it. "the groove line" by heatwave. i almost jumped out of my seat in excitement.
had the day off because her art teacher passed from cancer very quickly. the school closed so the faculty could attend the funeral. for our part, we did putt-putt, arcades (galaga, drumming, driving) and tried the aforementioned restaurant, which was fantastic.
i've listened to this song at least 10 times and put it on my phone. love your worries behind!
a song with one of most badass diminished horn lines has eluded my identification for the greater part of my life. i've heard it countless times and never been able to pin it down.. until tonight. kiddo and i sat in a new restaurant in midtown tonight and damnit if it didn't start up in the background, horn line and all. crowded restaurant or not, i stopped her mid-sentence and held my phone up until shazam nailed it. "the groove line" by heatwave. i almost jumped out of my seat in excitement.
had the day off because her art teacher passed from cancer very quickly. the school closed so the faculty could attend the funeral. for our part, we did putt-putt, arcades (galaga, drumming, driving) and tried the aforementioned restaurant, which was fantastic.
i've listened to this song at least 10 times and put it on my phone. love your worries behind!
20150912
20150912
a good day for a ride, methinks.
staying positive. even in the face of infinitesimal struggles. everything is nothing. and that's okay!
staying positive. even in the face of infinitesimal struggles. everything is nothing. and that's okay!
20150910
20150910
a momentous week.
got a dude replacing my entire fence.
kiddo's art teacher died of cancer.
and
...
last but not least
...
bitchface is getting a divorce.
got a dude replacing my entire fence.
kiddo's art teacher died of cancer.
and
...
last but not least
...
bitchface is getting a divorce.
20150907
20150906
20150830
20150830
it's a nightmare premonition morning
family huddled over the phone to hear a voice say -- i think -- "help me". was it my mom?
every time i crawl into bed, the fear and worry hit me.
family huddled over the phone to hear a voice say -- i think -- "help me". was it my mom?
every time i crawl into bed, the fear and worry hit me.
20150829
20150828
20150828
running isnt even working. i'm the benny goodman of mood swings.
there's nothing wrong with me.
things were done to me. but there's nothing wrong with me.
there's nothing wrong with me.
things were done to me. but there's nothing wrong with me.
20150824
20150824
Mom spent the day in the ER.
My brother spent the evening down there last night after we left, stressing her out and worrying the shit out of her... more shit about our dead nephew. He's not the boys parent, yet this has been his fucking thing since it happened.
I'm angry at him, more than anything. Angry at all of them, burdening my mother time and time again with their fucking problems. We're all a bunch of cowards with low self-esteem and agoraphobia, and she's been a crutch for us our whole lives. I love her, and I hope she makes it through this, but my siblings and I have done this to her.
He better not fucking call me tonight or he's getting an earful.
20150823
20150823
of all the door-to-door industries out there, how did door-to-door religion stand the test of time? i mean, if some dude came to my door with chocolate milk right now i'd do just about anything to complete that transaction, that's all i'm saying.
20150820
20150818
20150818
ok apparently i shouldn't have gone off on my coworker in a meeting.
regret and guilt are flooding in.
regret and guilt are flooding in.
20150817
20150817
taking branches out to street after mowing the front, neighborhood cunty mccuntersface #17 with her darling little cocker spaniel tells me (twice, as i had to take off my earbuds to hear her repeat it) that the garbage guys just came by today to take off the rubbish. yes, bitch, i know, i've lived here long enough to know when the goddamn sanitation crew swings by. now fuck off.
did i say this to her out loud? no, i said something polite.
taking a small break from yard work to bitch about this semi-publicly.
busybodies piss me right the fuck off.
did i say this to her out loud? no, i said something polite.
taking a small break from yard work to bitch about this semi-publicly.
busybodies piss me right the fuck off.
20150816
20150816
goddamnit, bojack horseman.
i am a coward.
hit me like a ton of bricks. complete lucidity.
all of it. it's fear. and i'm a coward.
i am a coward.
hit me like a ton of bricks. complete lucidity.
all of it. it's fear. and i'm a coward.
---
I'm sorry I ever drug anyone else along down this path. I don't think I'm ever gonna figure it out. I'm not it.
So just stop.
20150814
20150814
Unable to sleep. It's 1:30 am and I have "left to my own devices" by the pet shop boys in my head.
Tomorrow is not looking good.
Tomorrow is not looking good.
20150811
20150811
had to turn my head and cough twice today.
while a medical professional fondled me.
it's the most action i've had in years.
while a medical professional fondled me.
it's the most action i've had in years.
20150809
20150809
it's a sunday, what else is there to say?
we did the jesus thing.
instead of coming straight home for lunch, she suggested we ride bikes and then have lunch. she is one of the unerringly positive forces in my life.
we went four miles on her new bike. with hand brakes and shifters. i am so proud of her; if she keeps this up, we'll both be the better for it. had to convince/cajole her to ride the greenline but she enjoyed it in the end. she is me reborn in so many ways. poor thing.
she is playing the sims 3 on ps now and i'm playing witcher, which was just patched to fix a game-breaking bug i'd encountered.
---
i think porn has permanently reprogrammed my mind. i don't know how to approach a woman, don't know what is appropriate, don't know what i want, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it if i found it.
---
nfl starts tonight. gotta call insurance for my roof leak in the morning.
---
have been reading "last exit to brooklyn" by hubert selby. it's brutal, and raw, and real, and engaging. my eyes are failing me though. and i get random bites in my bed while reading. planning on cleaning off my bed and washing my linens this week.
---
i guess there was a lot to say.
we did the jesus thing.
instead of coming straight home for lunch, she suggested we ride bikes and then have lunch. she is one of the unerringly positive forces in my life.
we went four miles on her new bike. with hand brakes and shifters. i am so proud of her; if she keeps this up, we'll both be the better for it. had to convince/cajole her to ride the greenline but she enjoyed it in the end. she is me reborn in so many ways. poor thing.
she is playing the sims 3 on ps now and i'm playing witcher, which was just patched to fix a game-breaking bug i'd encountered.
---
i think porn has permanently reprogrammed my mind. i don't know how to approach a woman, don't know what is appropriate, don't know what i want, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it if i found it.
---
nfl starts tonight. gotta call insurance for my roof leak in the morning.
---
have been reading "last exit to brooklyn" by hubert selby. it's brutal, and raw, and real, and engaging. my eyes are failing me though. and i get random bites in my bed while reading. planning on cleaning off my bed and washing my linens this week.
---
i guess there was a lot to say.
20150808
20150808
kiddo continues to amaze.
am i going to be one of those single ppl who lives through their child? am i already there?
i want to be me again. in addition to someone's dad.
but bowling was fun.
girlfriend, plocks.
am i going to be one of those single ppl who lives through their child? am i already there?
i want to be me again. in addition to someone's dad.
but bowling was fun.
girlfriend, plocks.
20150804
20150804
america is officially an orwellian dystopia come to life.
anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of public opinion.
even, perhaps especially, if you uttered it years or decades ago.
if i had the means, i'd leave.
anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of public opinion.
even, perhaps especially, if you uttered it years or decades ago.
if i had the means, i'd leave.
20150803
20150803
watched "heaven adores you" tonight and cried multiple times, just like i knew i would.
the guitar is out again for the first time in awhile, and chords are coming, but seriously what's the point?
i'm sitting here hoarding somewhat passable music, like a dragon collecting mismatched socks.
until i play a song live, in front of people, which i may never do, i don't see what i'm doing here.
the guitar is out again for the first time in awhile, and chords are coming, but seriously what's the point?
i'm sitting here hoarding somewhat passable music, like a dragon collecting mismatched socks.
until i play a song live, in front of people, which i may never do, i don't see what i'm doing here.
20150803
life is so fucking cruel.
must i watch all my heroes die?
and then myself? the march walks all over me.
---
aaaaaand my new dryer broke.
must i watch all my heroes die?
and then myself? the march walks all over me.
---
aaaaaand my new dryer broke.
20150729
20150729-2
Terrible bout of insomnia. Fuuuuck. Hope everyone in my world is okay, and this isn't prophetic.
20150721
20150721
fucking heart probs since sunday. probably my fault. this is maddening. general malaise, neck probs, etc.
20150719
20150710
20150704
20150704
customary listen complete.
today was lonely.
coffeed up, wrenched back, did the usual, dressed out, rode the bike, got wet, came home, ate, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, ate, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, ate, etc.
interspersed with irc, facebook, and reddit.
all in all, a completely selfish diversion from reality.
hopefully kiddo saw some fireworks at least.
today was lonely.
coffeed up, wrenched back, did the usual, dressed out, rode the bike, got wet, came home, ate, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, ate, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, ate, etc.
interspersed with irc, facebook, and reddit.
all in all, a completely selfish diversion from reality.
hopefully kiddo saw some fireworks at least.
20150701
20150701
THIS SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD.
IT'S JUST A GUY PLAYING BASS AND A DRUMMER. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. IT'S SOOOOO GOOD.
IT'S JUST A GUY PLAYING BASS AND A DRUMMER. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. IT'S SOOOOO GOOD.
20150623
20150623
just checking in. kiddo is gone for a week.
rode my bike this morning. dunno how far, but it was pretty damned hot.
life continues. dude abides.
rode my bike this morning. dunno how far, but it was pretty damned hot.
life continues. dude abides.
20150606
20150606
so, my nephew was killed a week ago. we just buried him. i don't really have too many stories or anecdotes or anything about him, because honestly, we never shared a lot of time together -- i guess -- other than when we talked WoW or lifting or whatever. has dad was somewhat controlling and we really only saw him at full family get-togethers. i struggled to find things we connected on.
when he was much younger, he would hit me and my brothers, a result of the roughhousing between him and his father. at the time, i really didn't like the kid, but it wasn't his fault.
this is probably reading a little negative, but i don't mean it to. i loved him, and as he started to grow, he changed into a complete person, quite outgoing and popular: in other words, the opposite high school experience from myself.
i wish upon wish that i'd spent more time with him, telling him about the stupid fuck-ups i'd made in college; to impart some cautionary tale.. some wisdom, some restraint, anything.. although i know full well little of it would have sunk in. this was a boy without limits.
but the world has limits, many of them harsh and unforgiving, and he was a victim to it.
my mom told me, regardless of what actually happened -- we don't know the circumstances -- she will always think of him as a martyr. and, in point of fact, she's right. he will teach made child, his cousins, and friends a terrible but valuable lesson, hopefully.
his death was senseless, but my intj nature will work at it like every unsolvable problem in my head, turning the tumblers at it until they tumble out of existence.
i miss him.
i'd like to say he taught me a lesson. multiple people yesterday told me he looked just like me (yeah thanks, i don't want to hear that today of all days).
if i'm as attractive as the "most attractive" senior superlative, the only thing stopping me from finding happiness is me.
but i already knew that.
RIP..
when he was much younger, he would hit me and my brothers, a result of the roughhousing between him and his father. at the time, i really didn't like the kid, but it wasn't his fault.
this is probably reading a little negative, but i don't mean it to. i loved him, and as he started to grow, he changed into a complete person, quite outgoing and popular: in other words, the opposite high school experience from myself.
i wish upon wish that i'd spent more time with him, telling him about the stupid fuck-ups i'd made in college; to impart some cautionary tale.. some wisdom, some restraint, anything.. although i know full well little of it would have sunk in. this was a boy without limits.
but the world has limits, many of them harsh and unforgiving, and he was a victim to it.
my mom told me, regardless of what actually happened -- we don't know the circumstances -- she will always think of him as a martyr. and, in point of fact, she's right. he will teach made child, his cousins, and friends a terrible but valuable lesson, hopefully.
his death was senseless, but my intj nature will work at it like every unsolvable problem in my head, turning the tumblers at it until they tumble out of existence.
i miss him.
i'd like to say he taught me a lesson. multiple people yesterday told me he looked just like me (yeah thanks, i don't want to hear that today of all days).
if i'm as attractive as the "most attractive" senior superlative, the only thing stopping me from finding happiness is me.
but i already knew that.
RIP..
20150411
20150411
this year is slipping away. how in the hell is it april already?
such a great track. this is how you crescendo.
yard sale > dollhouse sold in record time > michaels > run + dog walk > lunch > tv > rock-n-romp > dinner > crafts > bloodborne
such a great track. this is how you crescendo.
yard sale > dollhouse sold in record time > michaels > run + dog walk > lunch > tv > rock-n-romp > dinner > crafts > bloodborne
20150402
20150403
tears. almost.
the scale hasn't moved. nothing has.
this is my invisibility. timeless. glad i found it again. so beautiful.
this is the only thing that still moves. two minutes in. everything in my being distilled.
there they are. right on schedule.
the scale hasn't moved. nothing has.
this is my invisibility. timeless. glad i found it again. so beautiful.
this is the only thing that still moves. two minutes in. everything in my being distilled.
there they are. right on schedule.
20150228
20150228
Really struggling today.
Emotionally, I'm just a damn wreck.
My kid is overweight and lazy and I don't know what to do about it, because I have little to no motivation myself. Forcing her to do things doesn't seem to do much good, no more than any other approach.
My biggest fear -- my kid ending up like me -- seems to be coming true.
Anyway, my old hs friend is throwing a party today, and I may be the only coworker coming. My daughter and I will know very few people, and social situations like that rarely end well for me. Maybe that's the impetus behind all the crappy feelings. I took her to a school skating party where at least I had the blessed diversion of loud noises and low lightning under which to hide.
This party is going to be a wide open display of how fat and socially retarded we are.
And then there's tomorrow, some stupid pot luck Girl Scout church thing my parents are coming to.
Can I ever not be a curmudgeon? Is it mercurial? Perhaps last month or last week or ten minutes ago I'd have been thrilled to attend? What does it even have to do with me, it's my friends party for chrissakes.
Fuck.
20150223
20150223
kid:
breakfast: bowl of fruity cheerios
lunch: ham/cheese sandwich, pb crackers, avocado
snack: (small) bowl of fruity cheerios
dinner: bacon/cheese pizza, apple
me:
lunch: chicken, basically
snack: goji and raspberry chocolates
dinner: chicken poppers and cottage cheese
breakfast: bowl of fruity cheerios
lunch: ham/cheese sandwich, pb crackers, avocado
snack: (small) bowl of fruity cheerios
dinner: bacon/cheese pizza, apple
me:
lunch: chicken, basically
snack: goji and raspberry chocolates
dinner: chicken poppers and cottage cheese
20150220
20150220
so, i gave up self loathing for lent.
work and school were cancelled, kiddo left out of here in the morning to the ex's.
lifted a bunch of weights today. 75 squats of various shapes and sizes, and now doing some upper body stuff.
and wow. and new toys..
spinning my wheels in the best way possible.
work and school were cancelled, kiddo left out of here in the morning to the ex's.
lifted a bunch of weights today. 75 squats of various shapes and sizes, and now doing some upper body stuff.
and wow. and new toys.
spinning my wheels in the best way possible.
20150219
20150217
20150217
the itch is back tonight and i've had very little sugar. i'm not even scared at this point. i look around at this mess than i was led into, this home that was picked for me, and i realize i'll die here. right here. and i'm resigned to it.
i wished for more -- don't we all -- but i'm a victim of myself. existentialism feeds on the terror of terrors, the despair of dread, and i've eaten my fill time and time again. my safe haven, this prison, is surrounded by fear and bordered by doubt.
co-dependence was merely an aperitif to this. i could write a song about it, here, right now, that would foment and crystalize the incredible aching of my soul, and i briefly considered it, but the prison walls have hardened against such outbursts.
my blurry vision has no tears tonight. it's just blurry vision, brought on by staring at screens and destroying my body.
i'm all dried up.
tonight, a total stranger extended a kindness to my daughter.
tonight, i couldn't hear a word a woman was saying, and my repeated answer to her was simply, no.
tonight, my daughter and i shared a laugh, mere days removed from a sickness her mother still has no clue about.
tonight, i mention something i've never mentioned before, again because of fear. such a simple thing, barely a syllable to its name. it's a part of me, as much a part of me as the body that hides its existence. a lump. and it will be my savior.
i lied. i'm not all dried up after all.
but for now, fuck it. i'm lifting.
i wished for more -- don't we all -- but i'm a victim of myself. existentialism feeds on the terror of terrors, the despair of dread, and i've eaten my fill time and time again. my safe haven, this prison, is surrounded by fear and bordered by doubt.
co-dependence was merely an aperitif to this. i could write a song about it, here, right now, that would foment and crystalize the incredible aching of my soul, and i briefly considered it, but the prison walls have hardened against such outbursts.
my blurry vision has no tears tonight. it's just blurry vision, brought on by staring at screens and destroying my body.
i'm all dried up.
tonight, a total stranger extended a kindness to my daughter.
tonight, i couldn't hear a word a woman was saying, and my repeated answer to her was simply, no.
tonight, my daughter and i shared a laugh, mere days removed from a sickness her mother still has no clue about.
tonight, i mention something i've never mentioned before, again because of fear. such a simple thing, barely a syllable to its name. it's a part of me, as much a part of me as the body that hides its existence. a lump. and it will be my savior.
i lied. i'm not all dried up after all.
but for now, fuck it. i'm lifting.
20150217
fuck the food diary. i'm up at 3:45 AM with a very deep heel itch on my left side that strikes every few minutes. looked this shit up and it's either diabetes or renal failure. guessing my sugar is out of whack. this is like someone itching the back of my heel from the inside and it is downright painful. all i want to do is go back to sleep.
20150216
20150216
lifted hard yesterday. snowed in with kiddo, both of us have mono.
gonna try and coffee up and fight through all of this and lift some more today... and hope that school is out tomorrow too.
lunch: two leftover fried chicken wings, cottage cheese, a few bites of chicken alfredo
gonna try and coffee up and fight through all of this and lift some more today... and hope that school is out tomorrow too.
lunch: two leftover fried chicken wings, cottage cheese, a few bites of chicken alfredo
20150209
20150209
rejected by thumper.
kiddo had a play date.
i just want a date. i want to start. it's time to start. wtf am i waiting for anyway. i'm not going to have some god body at this point, i'm almost 40, and who even gives a shit, i am me, that should be enough for the right person
kiddo had a play date.
i just want a date. i want to start. it's time to start. wtf am i waiting for anyway. i'm not going to have some god body at this point, i'm almost 40, and who even gives a shit, i am me, that should be enough for the right person
20150127
20150126
The idiot found a man. Another one down. I'm happy for her.
Crushing sadness. Defeated. Sleep.
20150124
20150124
things considered while running:
replace garmin
replace water bottle
update dating profile
kill myself
reconnect with lost friend
do something social this weekend
remember neighbors' names
things not accomplished after running:
replace garmin
replace water bottle
update dating profile
kill myself
reconnect with lost friend
do something social this weekend
remember neighbors' names
replace garmin
replace water bottle
update dating profile
kill myself
reconnect with lost friend
do something social this weekend
remember neighbors' names
things not accomplished after running:
replace garmin
replace water bottle
update dating profile
kill myself
reconnect with lost friend
do something social this weekend
remember neighbors' names
20150123
20150123
Is post-divorce agoraphobia a thing? I was always a bit of a homebody I guess, but now it's gotten severe. I have neglected even my online friends, quitting irc and ignoring guildies (yeah, wow is back). Can I force myself to do something out of character this weekend? Should I bother? I mean I'm like five years out and my "recovery" has essentially left me in a coma.
How many online whiners are wasting their time right alongside me tonight I wonder. I hope at least a few of them find solace.
My coworker has used "obviate" three times snide I said it earlier this week.
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