20141212

the song of the day, after a week of ups and downs

20141209

i understand what i am still too proud to mention .. to you.

20141204

Back up the scale, feeling like fail

20121203

still here! amazing, i know.

every time i take my kid to chik fil'a, i take a fry for myself. in this way, she learns about taxation and also i receive a fry.

20141001

well, i ran yesterday, for the first time in over a week. it was a good run, but then i ate way more food than i've eaten in over a week to compensate.

i have not yet, even after 37 years on this earth, learned how hunger works on any real level. i simply have no self control. i finished off a full jar of peanut butter. and before that, and entire package of dark chocolate morsels.

better luck next life.

20140923

well i'm still here. went to the minor med with kiddo, then after receiving a refund (when does that ever happen in medicine?!) went over to the ER. sister took kiddo, brother sat with me, parents were never told.... until today. my mom was actually pretty happy with the outcome: i guess everything is positive, although i'm not sure if i'm 100% or not. i don't think i am. i need some major sleep.

20140922

So it's just a few minutes after midnight, and I've had a very strange feeling day.  I woke up with double vision after what feels like a week of neck wonkiness.  Although the screwdriver in my back feeling is gone, it was replaced with severe confusion, sensitivity to light, and aforementioned double vision.  Even bitchface commented on it when she dropped m off.  I am a professional hypochondriac and worrywart so I'm trying my damnedest to remain calm, but my symptoms point to some form of encephalitis, potentially West Nile.  Thing is,!i haven't had a headache yet on this ride, so it could very well be too much fucking gaming, lack of sleep and my usual depression.  Will I finally go find a doctor?  I would right now if it weren't in the middle of the night.  We'll see tomorrow morning.  At least I still appear to be remotely cognizant in the written word.  I ate sparingly, eventually settling on tater tots, coffee at 5pm, and some oatmeal at 9pm.  I'm not even remotely tired.  At least the steelers won.

20140916

lunch: half chicken, rice, house salad
dinner: chicken, tots, cc
(played ball with kiddo)
later: i dunno

20140915

mondays suck. back to work.

lunch: don pollo .. nasty, too much cheese, feeling fat, etc
played ball with kiddo
rearranged bed, removed frame
dinner: banana+chocolate, and also tuna bowl
later: chicken and cc

20140914

(choir + church + brunch) ... = choirunch?
lunch: turkey, cranberry, feta salad
(run)
dinner: makeshift chicken salad at parents
(wow..)

1AM :/ fuck

20140913

lunch: umm chicken and tots probably
(comic expo)
dinner: bacon and chocolate.. seriously

woke up late, stubbed my toe, played minecraft .. the usual. feel i've wasted the day, but that's living in the present i guess.

had one compliment on my "the onion" shirt at the expo. i failed at conversation, the usual.

20140912

lunch: pork chops, turnip greens, fried green tomatoes
dinner: a bunch of shit really, tots, cc, random shit, terrible.
(nap)

i'm in a post-afternoon-nap daze. kiddo is watching a program. i need to run.

20140911

parents tv and dvd were fried by the storm. flash flooding. it was nasty rain all day essentially.

lunch: pulled bbq chicken, turnip greens, deviled eggs
instead of running, i napped. it was the right call
dinner: protein shake with banana and hazelnut chocolate

(SO MUCH MINECRAFT)

i think the shake put me in a terrible mood.

later: chicken, cc, random nuts and shit

(MORE MINECRAFT)

20140910

(run)
lunch: chicken, cc
(kroger)
dinner: roasted chicken, green beans, avocado
(minecraft, wow)
later: random shit, i dunno, like nuts and chocolate and shit, also it's late

20140909

lunch: half chicken, house salad, rice
dinner: tots, cc, tuna bowl
later: ice cream sandwich

rest day #2. more wow. probably gonna run tomorrow.

we'll see.

20140908

rest day. i guess.

lunch: pork chops, greens, cabbage
minecraft.
dinner: newk's favorite salad, rejection projection.
wow.
later: chicken, tots, cc
sleep?

20140907

(poopoopoop)

(run + dogwalk)

kiddo's back!

lunch: chicken, tots , cc

(nfl + bestie minecraft)

(walk with kiddo)

dinner: bacon, cc, pralines

20140906

(run + dog walk)
showered. chainsawed a holly bush. got wet. showered again.
lunch: tots, cc, protein shake
dinner: meat chili + hard boiled eggs + cheese

wow. as in world of warcraft. ugh.

20140905

lunch: pork chops, nasty fried green tomatoes, cabbage, roll
(fucking nap)
(malaise)
(uselessness)
dinner at 10pm: chicken, tots, cc
later: tuna mix

at least my little girl said g'night to me.

i'm going to go (lift) now. and listen to enslaved - riitiir.

20140904

lunch: pulled pork, twice baked potato salad, green beans
(run .. holy shit it was hot out)
dinner: bacon cheeseburgers, tots, fruit salad (made by kiddo)
(minecraft ps4)
(nfl)

talked to milf for a good bit tonight, feeling confident

20140903

lunch: chicken
(mow front yard)
dinner: shit i dunno
(lift)

20140902

back to work. no coworker. no work. kidlet had a good day.

lunch: half chicken, rice, salad was groce
(lift)
dinner: chicken, tots, cc
(hard knocks + moar lift)
also: banana ... then tuna, pickles, mayo

20140901

(Run)

Lunch: BBQ, beans, cookies

(Parents house)

Dinner: moar BBQ?  I dunno

(WoW... :( ... )

20140831

last day of august, are you kidding me?

actually went to church today. one last hurrah for religion. or something.

lunch: chicken, twice baked potato salad, sweet potato fries
(lift)
dinner: bacon, tots, cc
later: lemon yogurt almonds

20140830

i'm going to spend this day cleaning my workout room. i think.

yep, it's clean. also moved the bicycles back there and (finally) out of the dining room.

removed some assholes from my facebook.

backed up and wiped an old laptop.

backed up an old server.

tension headaches most of the afternoon and into the evening kept me from lifting, and that sucks.

lunch: fajita chicken, cc
dinner: guadalajara chivas
later: yogurt almonds

20140829

lunch with old friend: don pollo
(lift)
dinner: chicken soup, cc
also: ice cream sandwich
(more lift, fez)
later: candy bar

20140828

(Run)

Lunch: egg muffins, cc, protein shake

Dinner: egg, tuna, pickle, mayo

20140827

Too tired to blog

Lunch: half chicken, rice, house salad

Dinner: chicken thighs, tots, sprouts

Later: ice cream sandwich

Overnight: ice cream, banana

20140826

Took a little trip down memory lane tonight, in spite of the danger.  

A life spent on the banks, alongside the river of change.  Helplessly following the ripples as they fan out, until losing sight of each, merged into the greater body of water.  The watcher.  What he wouldn't give to jump in, but each year, each day, each moment, the gravity of choice cements, binds.  So the consummate observer stands alone, specializing only in words to describe the action; a dozen, dozen outcomes that'll never come true.  Finally, it dawns on him, the realization: the many ripples were his own teardrops all along, falling.  Falling all along.

Lunch: grilled chops, cabbage, fried green tomatoes 

Dinner: egg muffins, cc, squash

Midnight: candy bar, milk, depression 

20140825

lunch: pulled pork, greens, twice baked potato salad
dinner: lenny's philly chicken salad
(lifted)
also: egg muffins

20140824

Good old religious drama.  Gotta love it.

Some days I feel like someone's lost sock.

and i forgot to write down what i ate. it was sunday, right.

lunch: probably chicken, tots and cc
dinner: probably egg muffins, ice cream and cheerios

who knows, who cares

20140823

(5k)
breakfast: bacon, tots, cc
lunch: chicken thighs, cc
moar: protein shake
(lifting)
moar: MORE bacon, cc
(lifting)
(nfl!)

holee shite it's hot out. finished my run somehow, but it was brutallus.

i have this strange urge to swim today. maybe it's because my summer y membership expires in a few days, or the fact that it's just hot, but i need to do something, and my current video game library sucks.

maybe i'll just lift. i'm bored. this is one of those rare times a girlfriend would be nice. i'm kidding, a girlfriend would be nice.

20140822

5k tomorrow morning.

lunch: don pollo
dinner: fajita chicken, tots, cc
later: tuna, pickles, mayo

finished red dead redemption.

watched an nfl preseason game between the packers and the raiders.

and now i try to go to bed early. in vain.

20140821

Lunch: pulled pork, greens, deviled eggs

Dinner: Philly chicken salad

Later: cc, plenty of jerky, etc

Nap.

woke up, moved her bed out, did some stuff, back to bed before 11, i hope

20140820

Lunch: chicken chimichanga, rice, chips, salsa

(Second cup of coffee after work)

(Lifted throughout the evening)

Dinner: tots, cc, kale snacks

(More lifting, hard knocks again, etc)

And now that it's 11pm and I'm in bed I realize I may've skipped dinner?  Or at least, no real entree.  Hrm.

I felt in shape today, and my beard is growing again.  Workout was decent, upper body and abs.  No real gaming, caught up on adventure time with kiddo. Too damned hot to venture out. :/

20140819

Lunch: chops, cabbage, fried green tomatoes

(Buttpee)

Dinner: protein shake, banana

(Lifting, hard knocks)

Later: tots, cc

Latest - Andrea Haugen

20140818

catch of the day: two security incidents

(run)
lunch: chicken, tots, cc
dinner: two hot dogs, chocolate, cashews, cc

20140817

TERRIBLE HEADACHE. went to sleep at 11, woke up at 4 with splitting headache, woke up again at 9 with splitting headache, took medicine, drank coffee, sweat a swimming pool, went back to sleep, woke up at noon. 13 hours of sleep and it's finally gone, but that was a brutal dream/headache marathon.

lunch: chicken, tots, cc

20140816

Breakfast: bacon, tuna

(Run)

Lunch: burgers, salad

All day: ice cream, pb, chocolate

guardians of the galaxy was .. excellent. highly recommended.

20140815

Lunch: grilled pork chops, cabbage, fried green tomatoes

Dinner: salmon croquettes, green beans, gumbo

Dessert: chocolate, pb, frozen yogurt, nestle

Went down to moms to get kiddo.  Watched nfl, bought airshow tix, ran, splurged a little, etc.

Had a bad dream overnight about my former sister-in-law refusing to hug me and ignoring me.  Random.

20140814-2

Thoughts take motion behind his eyes

A gentle reminder of a rough reprise

Four symbols granted to one unclean

Each a remainder of division unseen

The photo of youth, taken unaware

The strand, the last lock of her hair

The bottle, a gift consigned in mirth

Lent to the turtle of enormous girth, and

The key, carved so he'd never be alone

Stored in a closet once called his own

A wind sweeps down, wild and untamed

No one but himself left to blame

20140814

The day slipped from his grasp, as if it'd never happened.  Two cups of coffee led to demon utterings and caged regret.  Fear is the only boss round these parts, and some thoughtless asshole turned on extra respawns.  Why do I insist on waiting for some impossible body goal before throwing myself into the fray.  Why does it matter, why do I have so many stupid barriers, why all the qualifications. I can't entertain them.  I live in shytown.

Lunch: don pollo

Dinner: chicken, tots, cc

Later: banana 

Avoided church and will bury the guilt deep.  Walked the dog and she saw a former classmate, was social with parents and almost did okay.  Watched adventure time but again the exhaustion tugs me down towards whatever.

20140813

got a run in at lunch, also walked the dog.

breakfast: banana
lunch: chicken and tots
dinner: chicken teriyaki, clear soup, veggies, rice
later: a little jerky, i dunno what else

pulled kiddo kicking and screaming to a japanese restaurant to try something new. it was marginally successful. i told her we're going to try at least one new restaurant every week, and i was fine with her picking, as long as the last name in the restaurant she picked wasn't "pizza".

lifted a little also. internet is apparently back. comcast never called.

20140812

lunch: grilled chops, cabbage, fried green tomatoes
dinner: chicken and tots probably, i don't remember really

internet went out at like 10:30 pm. fuck comcast.

20140811

lunch: cobb salad
dinner: chicken and tots, bacon, broccoli

robin williams died.

i took bitchface to see him at the orpheum on an anniversary. we got moved from the very back to the front row for the show.

20140810

morning run.

lunch: chicken, tots
(swam four hours)
food: kabobs
(came home)
later: two eggs, bread&butter, protein pudding

decimated from swimming.

20140809

got a run in this morning, aaaaaafter the rain. forgot to make coffee, maybe later

picked up four new shirts @ JCP

lunch: kabobs, tabbouleh, baba ganoush, rice, pita
dinner: protein shake with banana, hazelnut butter

yep, coffee later.

also played guitar a little bit, felt good

20140808

well, let's see. it's friday. i worked a full day, got out a little early just to get down to the gas station to pick up kidlet.

i got about an hour with her :/ before bitchface showed. it's her weekend.

i'm now watching NFL preseason -- inexplicably, potentially because of hard knocks, the atlanta falcons -- and folding laundry.

exciting stuff!

lunch: grilled pork chops, cabbage, fried green tomatoes
dinner: hard boiled egg, ham, cc, baking chocolate.. just random shit really, still no proper dinner
later: tuna, egg, pickles, bacon

it's 8pm and i have no aspirations toward cardio. i'm gonna do some chins & curls and enjoy the game.

20140807

Lunch: don pollo

(Nap, school orientation, yucky social stuff)

Dinner: chicken, tots, cc

Also: jerky

Exhausted tonight.  Need to crash.

Todo list:

Goldfish

Signed handbook

Signed teacher welcome letter

20140806

slept in a little. got up, made some coffee, let the dog out, went back to bed, woke up, had the coffee, morning constitutionals, ran a couple miles, and onto fee payment day for kiddo.

made it to work just in time for lunch... :)

lunch: bbq chicken, turnip greens, twice baked potato salad
dinner: protein shake with coffee
(watched hard knocks, lifted)
later: tuna, mayo, hard boiled egg, pickle
followed by: cashews, almond butter

20140805

lunch: half chicken and rice, kinda gross
(mow back yard)
dinner: protein shake with egg and banana .. instead of steak
(kroger)
late night: jerky, cashews, cc, chocolate

20140804

lunch: pork chops, cabbage, fried green tomatoes
dinner: asian chicken, brussel sprouts, tots, cc

20140803

lunch: bacon, random kiddo leftovers, and coffee
(lifted)
dinner: chicken breasts, rice, brussel sprouts
(ran)
later: chicken, tots, cc

kiddo has been a little dizzy today, i'm a little worried about her since she crashed into another go-kart yesterday. she did spend the entire day yesterday swimming after it happened, but sometimes these things have a delayed reaction. urgh. her desk is together and looks awesome.

she's spending tonight with her cousin, and hopefully enjoying herself more than she let on to me.

i came home, got a run and a dog walk in, and am happily watching the return of nfl to tv.

20140802

breakfast: half a banana
lunch: mahi mahi and asparagus
dinner: protein shake, chicken, hamburger patty, radishes

putt-putt, karts, games, kiddo did her first solo rides, learned brakes are not optional, had humdingers, had bubble tea, came home, kiddo went with friend, lifted, ate, xboxed with ca, waited for kid to return, it's now 8pm, harumph.

20140801

Woken up by text from mom at 6am

Dog peed on rug

Walked through spider web

No breakfast or lunch

Saw kiddo's performance 

Went back to work

Then ate all night long, although we finished her desk

Later: chicken, cc, banana

Dinner: salmon croquettes, fried green tomatoes, purple hull peas

Dessert: chocolate and pb

Later: more food

20140730

how can july possibly be over? wtf.

lunch: pork chops, cabbage, purple hull peas
dinner: cobb salad
omfg: chocolate and peanut butter
midnight snack: chicken, kale shit and cottage cheese

20140730

lunch: don pollo
dinner?: protein shake with banana
(nap)
(start laundry)
(run)
(walk dog)
(start dryer)
(shower)

now i'm building my kid a desk. and listening to a newish peste noire album. tried to drink a beer but i can actually taste the sugar in there, and couldn't continue.

20140729

lunch: half chicken, rice, house salad
dinner: chicken, tots, cc
(lifted)
(brother came over, helped with tech stuff)
later: tuna, bacon, pickle

10pm, off to kroger, i guess. i have a desk to put together but i'm just not feeling it.

Back from Kroger, 11pm, helped an old lady outside get a watermelon into her cart, and I could tell the poor old soul was crying for social contact, and I failed her.  I cried through the entire store with the guilt of failing to interact with the old lady, and here I sit with stickman playing in my car in my carport with the car running at 11pm with tears streaming and nothing but sadness and depression.

Time to empty the groceries and end another turn of the wheel of ka.

i think one of the reasons i run is that i want to die, but i'm too much of a coward to handle the job myself. if i were to die running, that would essentially be out of my control.

in a very real sense, my body is the enemy, and it would be a glorious death in combat. the 21st century, first world edition.

assisted suicide by cardio, how gauche.

20140728

I always cut up the dog's wet food in the morning because he has no teeth.  This morning I cut it up and, without thinking, immediately dumped it into the kitchen sink.  The day followed suit.

lunch: cobb salad, way too much food
pre-run/post-nap: protein shake
later: chicken, cottage cheese, pepperoni, a little leftover sweet potato

ran. talked. fuck.

neighbors swarm when i'm destitute, it's like moths to the flame.

The ghost of your smile's always looking for new bodies to haunt.

20140726

Lunch/preworkout: two hard-boiled eggs

Dinner: Asian chicken, tots, broccoli, cauliflower 

20140725

Lunch: half chicken, rice, salad

(Swam with kiddo)

Dinner: mo chicken, Brussels sprouts, tots

Later: protein bar

20140724

everybody knows, which way you go, straight to over.
no one wants to see, you inside of me, straight to over.
i heard the hammer at the lock, saying deaf and dumb and done.
give yourself another talk, this time it make it sound like someone.

the noise is coming out, and if it's not out now, then tomorrow.. tomorrow....

---

up from a nap, feeling destructive, disconnect.

lunch: bbq chicken, greens, twice baked

---

i got static in my head, the reflected sound of everything.
tried to go to where it led, but it didn't lead to anything.

the noise is coming out, and if it's not out now,
i know it's just about, to drown to tomorrow out.

20140723

lunch: pork chops, cabbage, roll
dinner: more pork chops because my mom made pork chops, green beans, sweet potato
later: chocolate, peanut butter
nap: nap
even later: hard boiled egg, pickle.. god i'm weird.

estimated carbs: fuck i dunno

no workout. i just realized i overdid it on calories and carbs. maybe i can sleep well enough to work out tomorrow.

20140721

i may or may not feel like writing about my kid drama at some point, but not right now.

lunch: chicken, cottage cheese, protein shake
run...
dinner: i feel like it was more chicken?
later: chocolate

bought some veggies and other assorted things.

switching to grilled chicken.

20140719

dunno how many times i've said/thought/tried this but here we go again.

the mark bell powercast this week about paleo eating was really inspirational. i'm not a special snowflake. i've just been lying to myself.

i'm going to really watch my calories from here on out and attempt to go on a cut. this means stopping buying the breaded chicken and sticking to the grilled... the carb ratios are 12/1 so this would be a huge drop-off in my carbs. i've been bullshitting myself saying i'm eating low carb though. eating huge things of almonds, breaded chicken, milk, and all the other sugary/carby nonsense i stuff into my body. dunno if i can give up tater tots but i may just try to find something else as a compliment to the grilled chicken. cottage cheese is still my mainstay.

breakfast: coffee
lunch: grilled(!) fajita chicken and tater tots

lifting:
squat: 135x8
superset (squat and db farmer's walk): 225x8x4 and 40x 2min x4
superset (ohp and db bench): 95x5x3 and 40x10x3

20140715-2

lunch: chicken chimichanga (really a glorified burrito, as it wasn't fried), rice
dinner: protein shake with bacon
later: tater tots and cottage cheese
snack: chocolate almonds

20140715

another band i'll never see live. another song that moves me to tears


rip natasha.

looks like i have two separate issues. hives and a strained sternum. not heart pains, as in i just said fuckit and ran two miles to spite it.

20140708

lunch: half chicken, rice, house salad
dinner: chicken, cottage cheese

20140707

lunch: two pieces of fried chicken (white meat), collard greens, slaw
dinner: chicken, cottage cheese, chocolate malt protein shake
later: more chicken

ran tonight, walked the dog, then played dq8 interspersed with red dead redemption.

no wifi for kiddo. apparently the former inlaws can't remember the password. riiiight.

assholes the lot of em.

20140706

kiddo's gone. delivered her into the belly of the bitchface at 7 tonight for her trip. i think (and hope) she'll have a great week.

as for me, who knows. i came home, grabbed my earbuds and took the dog on a walk.

so here i am one set into gym dickery with my music going in the workout room and a free week of freedom freeing me from the freedom of feeling free. or something.

squatted yesterday. deadlifted today. hope the neck and back holds up. i got a hankering to go run but i really just want to push some iron this week.

lunch: protein shake (new flavor, chocolate malt)
dinner: chicken, cauliflower, tater tots, cottage cheese

20140705

Happiness is momentary.

I realize this more and more as I age.  

Tonight, my daughter and I played towerfall on ps4 against each other, and the pure joy coming out of her (of us both) was infectious and amazing.  She eventually cajoled me into standing up for each round, fully immersed in the fast-paced matches.  Tomorrow I drive her over to bitchface and lose her for a week.

There's no happiness in that for me, but I can clutch onto each smile, each laugh, each moment with her and hopefully begin to appreciate the incredible gift I was given.  She is light.  

20140704

For posterity, here's the rundown of food from the fourth:

Breakfast: scrambled eggs and bacon

Lunch (at moms): two burgers, hot dog, baked beans, chips and guacamole

Also: chocolate brownie, peanut butter

Dinner (at sisters): many hot wings, ribs, cole slaw, baked beans, figs, key like pie

Also (at home): banana, nuts

3am snack: z-bar

I did really well on my race, and then proceeded to overeat the next day.

Took kiddo on a long walk this morning around my parents neighborhood.  After we got back, I was showering and caught sight of a mosquito, which of course had to be killed.  I did get her, but managed to break the pins holding in the toilet seat in one of my parents bathrooms.  Luckily, the toilet was cracked in the house behind the house (affectionately known as grandmas house, as that was its original purpose in the 80s) so my dad and I just moved that seat into the house proper, and as it was an improvement overall (the lid now stays up), I felt pretty good about it.  Damned mosquitos.

Finished up the evening with an impromptu trip to my sisters to swim, which also of course entailed more eating.   My kid did not get to see a fireworks show.. maybe next year.

Last weekend with kiddo before she heads down to Florida with bitchface.  She is really reluctant to go with her mom, who will undoubtedly stress her out to the point of another IBS flare up, but I'm hoping when she gets down there, my former in-laws can take over and save the day/week.  Ugh

As for me, I really have nothing planned, other than lifting.  I'd like to have a date or get some therapy or both.  Last week was depression of the highest order, so bad my boss told me to leave to get some time off.

If I fail at girls/talk maybe I'll just read books and record, but I feel nothing rewarding lately.  

Life is passing me in the fast lane.

20140703

Thursday was the final 5k in my summer race series.  At some point after the first race, which went horribly, I switched back from the asics I'd bought back to brooks.  I've probably blown close to $1000 on running shoes that don't work right, if you consider the toe shoes and minimalist shoes and asics and the wrong type of brooks.  Anyway I went back to the same shoes I ran in last year and the last three 5ks have gone much better.

Lunch: chicken and tater tots

Dinner: banana and tater tots

After race: shitty hamburgers and watermelon 

Later (at moms): chocolate brownies

I haven't been sleeping well at all, and Thursday was no exception.  I got about five hours but made it to work, was an ass during a team meeting and spent the rest of the day in solitary cube confinement, working on JMS for an upcoming integration project.  One coworker actually inquired about lunch but I didn't think mall chinese would do for pre-race dining, so I politely declined. Went home and took Flynn on a walk since it was so nice, and just had lunch there.

I napped about an hour or so after work, which was really what I needed, got in the car and headed over to the race.  As usual, I knew absolutely no one else racing, so I stood there and stretched like usual until it was time.  Thankfully they changed the route this year, as last year a train crossed the route about a half mile in, ruining many times.

I had a PR, and stuck around for a sec to grab some crappy food.  There was a party and fireworks planned after the 5k, but seeing as I didn't know anyone, I just got in my car and left.  I did lock eyes with the prettiest girl I'd ran with, but nothing came of it.

I was happy to return to my kiddo and a book.  I'd just finished the iron druid book, and intended to take the mr norrell book but forgot it.  Ended up reading American Gods instead, so now I have two books going at once.  Argh.

20140701

dreamed about the end of the world last night. i was alone. the moon was too close. i tried to reach my daughter but could not. it was terrifying, and now i'm awake and need to go to work.

yesterday:
lunch: bbq chicken, greens, twice baked potato salad
dinner: chicken, tater tots
later: bowl of raisin bran, nuts

20140629

fixed a bunch of work stuff at 2am
played DQ8 at 11am
snacked
got kiddo back at 12pm
ate
took kiddo to sisters house for baby shower at 1pm
snacked
went for a bike ride at 4pm
ate
took flynn on a walk at 7pm

The neighborhood crazy lady tailed me on the other side of the street until I finally took my earbuds out and told her Flynn wasn't social
She spent 10 minutes harassing me while I ignored her...
She trapped Maddie and me in the park once for thirty minutes, we were covered in mosquito bites and Flynn had fleas from her two dogs by the time we got home
Which is why I didn't want him near them. She literally stopped in the middle of the street with her two dogs and stared at me until I addressed her
Ugh sorry that was just.. Unsettling
She's autistic I think, she's got that loud crazy laugh after everything she says

20140626

From "The Wind through the Keyhole", which I just finished:
In the end, the wind takes everything, doesn't it? And why not? Why other? If the sweetness of our lives did not depart, there would be no sweetness at all.

Ran again today. Maybe I'll sleep normally tonight.

The mark bell powercast was phenomenal tonight. I need to apply some of this wisdom towards myself and my kiddo.

I have to soldier on.

20140623

The unrepentant fat guy version of me who eats without reason or remorse again took over this afternoon.  There were no survivors.

Lunch: bbq chicken, green beans, twice baked potato salad, half a piece of toast

After work: banana bread, chocolate morsels, mixed nuts, trail mix

When I finally came to, the trail mix was gone.  I hadn't even had dinner.  The Newk's girl situation is pulling at me.  I need sex, food and attention.  This week is going to be interesting.

Maybe I'll have a date at the end of it.

20140620

halfway to 38. been a long time since i even recognized a half birthday. maybe the first time.

ran two days in a row. played fallout. kiddo started off the day in the hospital for her tummy.

my mom is the best.

20140619

why is running, one of the most physically demanding and jarring activities i could possibly choose, one of the most emotionally redemptive and mollifying forces available to me? is it simply self-flagellation? does it matter?

20140618

I am a coward.  The origin of this conclusion, as well as it's first appearance, remains unclear.  What is certain is that this is now a certainty.  I've recently taken to swimming with my child in public.  I am disgusting, and my lack of self confidence is constantly exposed by repeatedly asking my poor, innocent daughter to affirm or negate my appearance.  I cannot imagine taking this rotting carcass to another's doorstep.  I alleviate the lingering physical longings artificially.  I can't seem to find artificial love, artificial companionship, to allay to constant longings and ever present loneliness.  I deserve nothing, and there's no magical karmatic reward for unraveling the puzzle of self, being a good father, or solving the unsolvable technical problem at my desk.  Everything is an escape, and I'm tired of it, tired of all of it.  Rip off the fucking scabs already, and face the bare wires of a unrequited humanity.  I am here, I am present and accounted for, and it doesn't matter, because, like I said, I am a coward.

20140617

no throw up but diarrhea all morning. missed a day of her art camp. fuck. took her to the dr instead, had some blood drawn for a lactose intolerance test, but i'm thinking it's ibs, which also affects her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother apparently.

20140609

Lunch: boneheads

Dinner: chicken, broccoli, cc

Later: protein pudding w/banana

20140608

Kiddo came home feeling like crap, threw up her breakfast and has been cramping on and off.

This is a food diary for her weekend with a: 

Friday: 

Breakfast: oatmeal

Lunch: pb&j, yogurt, nuts

Dinner: chicken breast, mixed veggies, avocado

Saturday:

Breakfast: cinnamon waffle

Lunch: Ham/cheese lunchable

Dinner: two hot dogs w/cheese

Snack: two mini candy bars

Dessert: cream horn (half)

Sunday:

Breakfast: oatmeal

(Vomit)

Lunch: pb&j

Dinner: chicken noodle soup, ham

20140607

took a week off work. ostensibly to relax, record some music, workout, and also relax.

out of those five days, i ended up being at work two days for a health screening, wherein the state medical folks forgot their equipment.

i ended up without air conditioning for two days, and had "technicians" in my home for three days attempting to fix it. i'm still not convinced the leak is fixed, but it's merely dripping now, rather than the drip pan completely full of water, so that's a plus i guess. initially they had to replace a capacitor on the blower. at least i got two 'free' service calls out of the deal.

been swimming on and off with kiddo, so that was nice.

intended to do at least one prep run this week for the 5k i ran last night, but plantar fasciitis decided it wanted to leave some bruises on the bottom of my foot in front of the heel, indicating i would be a moron to run. it did heal, and i got to run my 5k, although it was delayed thirty minutes because of weather issues, and my (awesome) ride was forced to drive around and wait for me. hamstrings are shot today!

so now it's saturday. i woke up around 10, made myself some coffee, and teetered around alternating between trine 2 on the ps4 and tending to my dog, who is not feeling well today at all. i started lifting, took a break to take the dog around the park, and ended up carrying him back into the home.

it's now 4pm, and i've one set left on my somewhat unplanned workout, and have yet to eat a meal. and i haven't recorded a single thing this week.

bb squat: 135#x5, 225#x5x5
bb overhead press: 95#x10, 95#x5x4
(superset) situps: 25x3 / db side bends: 45#x15x3 / db kroc rows: 45#x15x3
(superset) chinups: 5x5 / bb curls: 45#x10x5

20140527

Couldn't summon the nerves today, even though it was there for the taking.  Maybe tomorrow.

Almost done with another song I can't sing.  Trying and failing to keep my calories low.

Held my old dog in bed tonight before going to sleep and told him thanks for being there through it all.  If there's a heaven after all, I hope I see him again there.

20140524

Think I saw a girl from match at target, think she had a ring, think I'm creepy, think I just need to get laid.

20140523

es-see you in heaven

20140520

I need a girlfriend.  I'm miserable.

20140516

Living life as a fatalist is debilitating.  I'm sitting there watching a movie with my kid and the pervading thought is how the dog on her lap will be gone before we know it.  Then the thoughts inevitably move towards my parents, then me.  I try I fight the realization of futility of being, the pull of humanity, but this is a powerful vortex of my own creation.  And I can never move past it, constant as a beating drum.  The drums will stop though.  Soon enough.

Ran four miles, and the 'moment of clarity' thought was "if the search for meaning is a biological imperative, why did we as humans adapt towards it.  Evolution appears to be an orchestrated adaptation towards environment.  Why then do we search for meaning?"

20140514

my child just went right the heck off tonight. crying, sadness, etc.

she tells me she hardly knows her mom. i don't know if therapy would make it better or worse.

i sure don't know what to tell her, but i tried my best to set things at ease. perhaps it will pass with the summer breeze.

20140505

i've rediscovered bjork. post is just a fantastic album from start to finish.

another chance at newk's, another fail. JUMP IN. mayhap one day.

this is worth a watch. might better your life.

20140503

April ended and May began. The fifth month. For two weeks I've had two separate crews of laborers working on gutting and remodeling my bathroom. They finally left last night, but I am not at all satisfied with the plumbing work. On their initial attempts, the shower was leaking behind the tile and required multiple soldering nonsense to try and fix the situation, to the point that I'm now scared to even turn it on, lest it start leaking. The p-trap in the sink is leaking as well. My contractor, who also happens to be my sister's husband, may or may not come over today to assist me in building out the shower door, at which point I'll run the shower and test the solder joints, but my confidence level is very low. I must say though, the tile guys were awesome, and the bathroom looks aesthetically pleasing, if only it were usable.

I didn't really save any money either. I guess I've learned my lesson insomuch as doing business with family. I love the guy but the people he hires are questionable, and the financial situation behind the entire enterprise seems a trifle shady.

Blogging really didn't occur to me at all during this process, as I've been almost at post-divorce levels of stress and worry throughout. I had nightmares all night and woke up to let the dog out and that was it. No going back to bed. So i started cleaning up the assorted nails and chips of tile from my carport and backyard in preparation for pulling my car back underneath, clearing away boxes and such from my bedroom, and sweeping the tile. What made me sit down here at 8AM to blog was the fact that I stepped on the scale, fully expecting to have gained weight, and there it was. I hit my goal. Momentous doesn't cover this moment. I moved the scale around to different areas to make sure it wasn't fucking with me, but all readings pointed to the same conclusion. I walked down the hallway, grabbed my dog along the way, sat on the couch with him in my arms and cried, my first one in a while.

And now here I sit, recapping only a small portion of the craziness of a family bathroom remodel and a subsequent stress induced weight loss goal monument.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

20140416

so tired of no sleep. this is getting out of hand.

20140412

did i really eat an entire package of semi-sweet chocolates in less than three days?

yes, yes i did. :/

20140408

In bed again, waiting for sleep to hit.

Yesterday..

lunch: steak ranchero

dinner: chicken and salad

dessert: hazelnut spread

Did some lifting, sore as hell now

Today..

lunch: chicken, rice, house salad

dinner: favorite salad

No exercise, but played with kidlet

Rediscovered a song I thought I'd lost

BF2 at night

20140406

Racking my brain for what I've eaten this weekend, as it seems like I got a little off the rails with my diet.  Lessee, 

Saturday:

lunch: chicken and sour cream

snack: protein pudding

dinner: chicken and cabbage

snack: gluten free chocolate bar

Sunday:

lunch: chicken and spinach salad

snack: homemade chicken fajita mix

snack: protein pudding

dinner: chicken and sour cream

dessert: razzleberry pie

I did run 5k on Saturday and two miles today, but I feel like I'm running in place as far as the diet.  

Today was a good day otherwise.  Got kiddo back and we went down to OB.  Dad fixed my chainsaw, I got to run and see my folks, and kiddo had fun, convincing me to purchase supplies at michaels for a foam 8-bit mario piranha plant craft project.  We didn't quite finish it but she was as happy as a clam, and so was I.  Practiced a little piano tonight as well.  No time for objective-c self teaching.

I still have one-itis with the stupid runner girl; I swear I'm not a stalker, I'm just a creep.

I'm in bed typing all this on my phone.  Falling asleep before 11 would be amazing.  Don't see it happening.

201430321

Lunch: half chicken, rice, salad, pebble

Chipped tooth.

Dinner: egg muffins, almond butter

Ran 4 mi

Snack: sweet potato, candy

Nightmares.  I miss my friends.  I'm lonely for friends, for a "crew".  I've alienated myself and been alienated both.  I'm not awake atm, just tapping phone keyboard buttons through blurred, teary eyes

These friends, I don't even have their numbers.  I need them.  

20140319

Lunch: chicken/cottage cheese

Snack: sausage

Dinner: kale chips/protein shake

Had a good day, ran, etc.  then I dropped my phone into the toilet.  Thanks life

20140314

pi day was yesterday.

kiddo and i are back after a weird ass week apart. putt putt this morning. it was ok.

trimmed the crape myrtle in front of my house this afternoon. she helped clean up the detritus. at one point she said "daddy i'm getting scrapes" to which i replied "that's life. if you don't get some scrapes what did you do?" i immediately thought i should write that down as it sounded poignant at the time. i think it still does.

at some point i asked my kid what the tree was called and she didn't know. so the genius that i am, i gave her a hint: "starts with c, ends with rape myrtle".... real fucking smart there.

20140223

My ex saw my dog -- previously, our dog -- in his cone collar today while dropping our child off and broke down, crying.  I don't think my daughter had ever seen emotion like that from her mother.  It made me wonder if there's still any humanity left in her.  After all, our dog used to be part of our family, the one she walked away from.  

I guess I should find solace in the fact that she's moved on.  Even after three years, moving on is still a daily process.  I ran this morning and rode bikes with kiddo this afternoon, women smiling at me as they passed by, separate lives joined but for a fleeting moment, and perhaps that's all I'll be afforded.  Why can't I move on?

I've started transitioning from a self conscious mindset towards something else: instead of thinking that no woman (or one out of X women) wants me, as I run I have started to convince myself that almost all of them want me.  Reality is probably somewhere in the middle I guess, but I live in extremes, and need to build a base of self confidence and swagger, lest I succumb to the demons of denial.

It's not even the biological imperative at this point; I mean, clearly, I need sex, but even that need has not been enough to motivate me.  Something deeper is required: comfort and companionship.  I need someone to hold, but more importantly, I need someone to hold me.

20140219

stepping out from a broken income
to lose the life that kept us winsome
we'll cover up the shapes that bind
but the silhouette still pays no mind
furrowed brow completes the spell
with a saline drip from a broken well
endangered in captivity
estranged from erstwhile guarantees
currency spent on a market call
braced for a wind that refuses to fall

20140216

Feeling like shit.  Dog is sick too.  He's going to the vet tomorrow, assuming I wake up.  My breathing is labored and I feel like there's a fist pushing on my chest, also very lethargic.  Naps don't seem to help much at all.  No stomach or fever problems thankfully but other than that this is some textbook flu.  Hope I didn't infect my folks this weekend.

Kiddo has Presidents' Day festivities (report, oral report, poster, and dress up like Taft for a parade).  Also they're having some party for which she's bringing something.  I just want to get through tomorrow and get Flynn checked out.  Urgh :(

20140202

why do i keep going to church expecting different results? there is no meaning for me. i now know i am well and fully insane.

perhaps, under the guise of youthful innocence, meaning is easier to obtain. that's one reason i keep going back: when i was a child, church was a place full of meaning. now it's just a building filled with people, a building filled with agendas and beliefs and assumptions of character.

i go in by myself this morning, sit down and do what i usually do: pray for my family and friends just to have a good week. and then i pray someone will find me. i have little hope of finding someone so i specifically ask for something i know is barely in the realm of possibility. some days i have my daughter with me: on those days she looks forward to the "children's mass": as she is shuttled off with a few other children for god knows what. she's gone for only 10-15 minutes in the middle of the service: enough time for kids to miss the two readings, the gospel, and the priest's homily. but back in time for collection. anyway, that wasn't today. today it was just me.

there is the momentary realization of all the people around me: the coughs behind me, the occasional displeased child, and then i begin to calculate random observances: how many people sharing breaths with me have the flu? how many women in here enjoy sex? how many are happy? how many are here just to make an appearance? most days i count myself i suppose.

the rest of the time is spent encased in ritual or staring at the "good" girls who are there each week (and probably there on the weeks i'm not). the back of their heads mostly, as i customarily occupy a spot near the back. i search out the couples, some of whom have sons and daughters in my child's class, and yearn with every fiber of my being for an iota of that companionship, that stability, that foundation. not in the cards.

the core purpose of the occasion lies in the pew: my personalized offering envelope with a check written to the church. this lifeline of monetary obligation entitles my child to a reduced tuition at the school. the rationalization is that they do good work. the realization is otherwise.

intense, provocative stress envelops me over the same central social focus of the occasion, as always: i despise the sign of peace, the portion of the service wherein everyone shakes hands and says "peace be with you", their half-hearted, droll blessings bouncing, beading and finally pooling around my feet like raindrops against a wall. obsessively i try to warm my hands, remove the nonexistent boogers from my nose, put on a happy face well in advance. smiles all around.

i stand to process down towards communion -- which i probably shouldn't even be receiving, as i'm divorced and not annulled, so i'm living in a state of sin -- and smile at the rarest of acquaintances, towards the eucharistic minister who administers a wafer of bread. all customs observed.

i duck out a little early, and miss the announcements and the second collection. but no worries, i take a church bulletin on my way out: this is my "proof of purchase" in case my mother has doubts about my attendance.

and then i drive home. "yesterday" comes on and i cry a little and sing along, because i long for yesterday as well. but in this case, i don't miss someone else: i miss me.

20140201

staying strong on the no social media campaign. wasn't a resolution or anything, but fb is a self-serving narcissistic hellhole, so it's a bit of a retroactive resolution i suppose.

dealing with ringworm on my arm, which has necessitated a shitton of varying treatments to assuage my paranoia about my child catching the shit. lotrimin sucks. selsun blue seems okay. lamisil pills are probably killing me along with the fungus, but i'm going to keep on them, albeit at half strength.

i need to write a song. i need to want to write a song. i need to record the songs i have. i need to climb back out of my hole. i need to face my fears, go back to my favorite restaurant, and deal with the fact that my deluded mind has seen something in some girl's eyes that probably isn't there in the first place.

still on the fence about switching jobs. stasis is good, stasis is safe, stasis is boring and stasis is death. what will i do?

20140122

facebook: gone. attempt #4. let's see if this one holds. don't laugh if you can't do it yourself.