20131231

trigger foods:

peanut butter
honey nut cheerios
dark chocolate

i'll know i've won this battle when i can keep those three items in the house without fear.

finished my last run of the year today. here are the garmin stats, aka how can i still look like shit without a shirt on:

2013: 369.79 miles, 51:08:20 h:m:s, 61,065 calories
2012: 351.95 miles, 47:04:20 h:m:s, 57,487 calories
2011: 150.14 miles, 28:40:37 h:m:s, 25,975 calories (bought the garmin in august apparently)

20131220

another year down. i think i've lost maybe five pounds over the year. better than nothing? not sure.

made a wish.

20131216

update: i ordered the right thing and am going to return the wrong thing. hope this works out.

20131212

fuck. i got the wrong thing for my kid. fucking apple. i really should have read what i was buying. i blame lack of sleep.

20131211

putting this here for myself.

1) Pay attention to the way a man loves his mother. That is the way he will love you.

2) You can do anything a man can do, including organic chemistry, unclogging toilets and assembling IKEA furniture.

3) Older women wear makeup so THEY can look like YOU. Less is more. A lot less is a lot more.

4) People will judge you by the way you look. It isn’t fair, but it’s the way the world works. Keep that in mind as you pick your outfit in the morning.

5) Never let anyone do your thinking for you. There are far too many people with far too much invested in you believing what they believe.

6) Liberal arts grow your mind. Science and business keep you fed. You will need both.

7) Nothing is more attractive than intelligence.

8) Learn to drive a stick-shift.

9) Get comfortable with power tools.

10) You don’t have to enjoy them, but have a working knowledge of the rules for football and baseball.

11) Know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek, and they key players in both.

12) You don’t have to *DO* anything for someone to love you. The right person will cross a desert just for the chance to sit next to you at lunch.

13) Peer pressure is all about insecurity. Be confident in who you are and you’ll never have to “fit in”. People will come to you.

14) The fastest way to strain a relationship with a man is to bring up old drama. We can’t remember to hang up the bath towel. What makes you think we remember that stupid thing we did 6 months ago?

15) If a man genuinely loves you, he will let you set the boundaries. Don’t let anyone take something from you they can’t give back. You set the tone for the sexual relationship.

16) Feminie hygiene products — Where our daughters are concerned, we would be very happy sticking our fingers in our ears and saying “lalalalalalalala”. Please respect our need to pretend they, and the reason for them, do not exist. The same goes for lacy underthings.

17) You were flawless the day you were born. If you must go get that first tattoo, please consider inviting your daddy to come and get his first tattoo with you.

18) You are perfect the way you roll out of bed. Let’s be clear: all that crap you do to “get out the door” is for everyone else’s benefit.

19) Though he may be smiling on the outside, when you leave for college your father is falling apart on the inside. Don’t forget to call him that first night to tell him you love him.

20) Compare every single boy you ever meet to your daddy. Nobody will love you like he does.

20131128

trashed the pewter anniversary ornament. felt nothing.

played "all i want for christmas is you" by mariah carey. cried. but not for her. not for anyone.

i really hate the fucking holidays.

---

p: i don't mean to bring this up but the last thing i knew, you had never dated anyone, and married the first girl you dated and had a kid, so now im confused prolly cuz i misunderstand

---

i'm thankful for the unbalanced equilibrium of my life. i guess i'm thankful i still have a life. technically.

20131117

Sleep, ps4, putt-putt, Indian food, park, workout, parents, dinner, home, ps4, irc, sleep

20131106

plumbing issues resolved.. i think?

lunch: shit salad at la den de tigre or UC or whatever
dinner: half chicken at boneheads where the girl who likes me was repeatedly shot down with awkward dialogue and bad body language

also, fuck. this retarded music teacher is really pissing me off.

i swear to god these schools really know how to run the long con. first off, this letter announcing the "fall musical" wherein a mandatory $5 "tshirt fee" has been levied.

then, because i wasn't pissed off enough, another slip sent home requiring my signature acknowledging that my child will attend both musicals at school and in the evening.

THEN, BECAUSE I WASN'T PISSED OFF ENOUGH, another slip from the teachers requiring another $5 to get the aforementioned music teacher.. a motherfucking gift. because they don't grasp the definition of the word "gift".

this woman has never, not once, taught my child anything resembling music theory, history, or anything applicable to music education. she is the music teacher equivalent of a whoopee cushion. fart.

20131104

lunch: half chicken, asparagus, rice
dinner: favorite salad

had dinner with my brother. it was nice, although i was awkward with the waitress who may or may not (have liked/like) me. turn around and there goes another one.

kiddo is out. i may go do some upper body stuff, who knows. need motivation.

20131103

lunch: mahi mahi, rice, sweet potato at humdingers
dinner: stuff at the house

lifted. squat day.

also zoo. also overton park.

20131102

lunch: favorite salad
dinner: protein shake, bunch of other shit
later: chicken

yard work, walk, no workout, rest day.

20131101

missed yesterday. that'll happen more often i guess.

skipped lunch. no coworker, no life.

dinner: chicken and cottage cheese
later: protein shake

20131030

lunch: half chicken, asparagus, sweet potato fries
dinner: protein shake, leftovers

squat. kiddo had a bad day :(

20131029

so the dumb bitch who showed up when i called roto rooter jacked my kid's shower. there's a leak behind the wall now. fml and not because i have to deal with it, but because fuck her and i have to now be social yet again for no net gain. this physically pains me.

lunch: chicken and veggies, post run
dinner: favorite salad
later: protein and bcaa and banana

and hopefully some form of upper body workout

20131028

just under the gun.

lunch: grilled chicken salad at rp tracks
dinner: chicken, peas, etc at the house
later: almonds and cottage cheese and shit.. probably too much Na

had a scary moment wherein i couldn't really make a fist with either hand and had no energy... was running around playing with m in a zombie-like state

had some hot tea and recovered, and decided to go ahead and squat

i guess it's some nerve issues... i'm always having issues with nerves in my neck. i'm not going to stop though. because fuck it.

20131027

lifted so hard yesterday, not feeling it today.

lunch: chicken, cottage cheese, broccoli (sound familiar?)
dinner: motherfucking yarnells and pb because i love failure
also: more broccoli and cheese and cottage cheese (sensing a pattern?)

20131026

lunch: sirloin, broccoli

dinner: protein and bcaa, cottage cheese, jalapeños

kiddo went to bitchface at 12:30.  I blew 500 on wardrobe and groceries,napped and spent the rest of the evening lifting weights and watching/listening to football.  

I get her back tomorrow.  my only goal is 200 by Christmas.  all else and anyone else can fuck off, my determination is sharpened to a point.

20131025

lunch: half chicken, asparagus, rice

dinner: Newk's favorite salad, bleu cheese

also: a little yarnells and pb

ticket resolved, nap time.

20131024-2

this shit again.

lunch: jason's beefeater (no bread), cup of tomato basil soup (1000 cal, 24g carb, 64g protein)
dinner: chicken and veggies, protein shake (1000 cal, 30 carb, 80g protein)

20131024

Ok.

Woke up 210, discouraged and angry and took it out a bit verbally on my child, who had neglected to complete her homework, after telling me it was done.

Part of it is my fault of course, but we hastily fixed it.

My goal is 200 by Christmas.  It's a simple enough goal.  10 lbs in two months.  With my current activity level, there's really no reason why I shouldn't be able to do this, barring injury.

I will be recording meals and changing my diet.  I can't be accepting frozen yogurt and peanut butter donations from my mother, who means well enough.

Broccoli, grilled chicken, cottage cheese.

And a return to lifting from running.  But serious, sweat enduring lifting.. no more taking a set, then getting on the pc for ten minutes... That's pissing in the wind.

God I hope she has a good day today.  We were both better by the time I dropped her off, and we were fine last night.. My whole world revolves around this stupid number.  

I will do this, damnit.

20131016

i've done a lot of running lately. and a lot of thinking.

i'm out of the pit i was in a few days ago: having my kiddo around heals me i guess.

i'm incredibly tired this morning.. on the tromp towards my office, i started to visualize what my commute would look like without human constructs.. no streets, no buildings, no distractions.

our trees, who were once our overseers, are now our captives. plots of concrete and asphalt surround them and choke off any and all attempts to provide for their young or create offspring.

i guess i feel like my job, my intrusion into the natural order, is detrimental at worst and pointless at best. i feel an urge to leave the city entirely.

and yet here i sit.. impotent, an urban locked in syndrome sufferer.

20131012

still here. ran my headache off miraculously and took the dog on a walk. came back, made some stuff in the crockpot.

the rain hit, did my usual, watched some crap on xbox, went to target and bought frames. finished my vinyl project, i guess.. although i bought two extra frames so i may put two more albums in there. also bought two more albums on amazon.

probably skipping dinner. kiddo's back tomorrow..

house is a wreck.

life is a wreck.

what else is new

20131011

came home to run. can't. had chicken. depression is unsettling.

must refocus.

---

crying? seriously?

20131005

at least i wasn't totally useless today. still needs a name. assuming i ever let anyone listen to it.

20131003

bitchface remarried. why is this bothering me? three years of solitude? when am i going to find hope? depression and parenthood have crushed me.

am i going to let her win?

am i ever going to get laid again for chrissakes?

i can't talk to even the simplest woman in person.

this isn't a woe is me post, this is me honestly curious if i have a breaking point.

this place is a wreck. i have all kinds of broken things in this house, but me worst of all. i'm going to end up ruining my daughter with this.

is this the life i deserve? perhaps so.

three years is a long time in your thirties. and still i can't wake up from this nightmare.

20130921

a good day completely turned to shit.

lift. atm. car crash. open gym. corn maze. theft. run. family videos.



the sweetest way to die

20130919

dear god.

20130918

i really need to record this stupid song so i can move on to another one.

headache is absolutely killing me. excruciating is interesting adjective, as it always (?) precedes a word that essentially renders it redundant. or maybe that's just my blurry vision headache logic.

i've rediscovered the amazing music of the cardigans. her voice is like a warm blanket.

20130908

impromptu sleepover. eye doctor. summer festival. clothes shopping. sunday ticket. ac3 finished.

20130905

convinced myself to do chinups every break on this nfl game. wtf was i thinking?

another song done. plenty of words, plenty of music, no name.

20130902

heart pancakes.  denise austin.  car wash.  running.  yarnells.  wasp nest.  chin-ups.  horseshoes.  yard work.  happy labor day.

20130814

not that it's worth much -- the faith of a fallen follower isn't worth much of anything -- but i said a prayer for you.

20130806

sleep is elusive.

it's 1am, i've eaten ice cream and sausage and chicken and jalapenos and chips and whatever else i felt like eating today. the race is over.

waiting for sleep...............

20130802

I don't belong here.  Maybe I never did.

I don't regret having a child, but wonder if, in my search for normalcy, I've done her a huge disservice. 

My presence here feels like a double take, like fading star trails in the morning sun.  

The worst thing now is how easily I can feel who I've been before, before I was me, whoever that is.  How they press on me!  I can feel the influences of those other souls in the inspirations I am receptive to, and I will soon join those poor souls. 

Will anyone remember me?  It is a curious thing how people can more readily recall the past than the present.  I feel this is my fate.  Maybe I'm just being optimistic.  Maybe it's hubris.  

Maybe my fondest wish is to leave a few unfinished songs around.. maybe someone who can keep their feet on the ground can finish them, make them popular, make them poignant.

Even one.

20130731

as july seeps away and i look for rhymes to complete a verse i realize my disconnection is complete.

also can't figure out how to segue into this refrain. as usual.

up. reading. and listening.

looking for flights to austin. have a ticket at the will call for me for the show. will i call? who knows.

20120727-2

this morning was devoted to being a dad.

farmer's market, island park, lunch on the island, library. currently enjoying the best homemade pico de gallo on earth.

after a week, the stupid work shit has subsided.

lonely as fuck and still ready to call it quits. four nick drake albums currently shuffling on the itunes.

match runs out in 2-3 weeks.. women scribbling notes on the brick wall. i read them over the side occasionally.

disconnected from everyone. shrug.

there was a new song yesterday.. will it get finished? who knows, finishing hasn't happened on anything lately.

20130727

Betty said she prayed today

For the sky to blow away

Or maybe stay

She wasn’t sure

For when she thought of summer rain

Calling for her mind again

She lost the pain

And stayed for more

Gonna see the river man

Gonna tell him all I can

About the ban

On feeling free

If he tells me all he knows

About the way his river flows

I don’t suppose

It’s meant for me

Oh, how they come and go

the chords are thick and wash over me, holding me in their four minute embrace, now the only lover i'll care to know.

20130718

breakfast: sausage links
lunch: salad bar at jason's, cup of tomato basil soup
dinner: protein shake, random shit

lifted tonight. i've been doing crud but have lost my way. maybe i'll find it, maybe not.

i need to get back out there. it's time.

20130713

every day i become increasingly convinced that politics and social media are a bad combination. a vocal minority relishes using facebook as a springboard to facilitate political agree-fests.. at best, this is self-serving, at worst, it's simply obnoxious. the inherent danger here is that these repeated diatribes create a collective culture of moderation, a thought police where dissent is lambasted (or unfriended), where posters are given a false sense of validation. rest assured, many of us disagree with you, but we also understand there are rights other than the freedom of speech, and what we'd really love is for you to occasionally become re-acquainted with one in particular: the right to remain silent.

20130706

i have to keep it together for a week. i'm not sure if i can.

20130701

aaaaaaand reboot.

breakfast: two sausage links
lunch: a run and a protein shake
nap: nap
dinner: chicken breasts, cottage cheese, brussel sprouts

the focus shifts inward again
that magnifying glass burns anew
external considerations squelched
the nails of a thousand consternations
shuttering the doors and windows
no shadows left to compete for warmth
in perfect dark a soul search begins
reborn in the stifling july miasma

20120605

Closing in on 1000 days of loneliness.  By my insomniac calculations I'm at 913.

Not really a milestone I wanted to hit, but it was nigh inevitable.

I look around at the women in relationships in my social circles and try to fathom what some of them see in the men they're with, comparing myself to these outgoing, "normal" types who have been in multiple relationships over their lives.. and I wonder what intangible quality I lack that they possess.

Is it confidence?  Experience?  Self-awareness?  Self-satisfaction?  Extroversion?  

Some of these guys are goofy as hell and have beautiful women on their arm.  

I have seen and believed in my own attractiveness as I've (oh so slowly) lost weight over these few years, but my progress has yet to bear any fruit.

Will the fat kid finally get some cake?  Only time will tell..

20130520-2

To dream perchance to sleep

With eyes that seldom keep

The watershed within

A well run dry again

Accomplice to the theft

Accomplishing what's left

Before the toll completes

The boulder failed to meet

An invalid put to bed

With eyes that seldom read

The page between the page

To die perchance to age

20130521

mood has stabilized. i still have a certain someone on my mind. with her goofy ass, tall man.

why can't i walk through the doors of her restaurant and make myself known?

some guys have all the luck.

i have a run on two days and i'm looking forward to it. zooming through the zoo, as it were.

the online dating has yielded no fruit.. what a waste. i wonder if she was right, if i just wasn't ready. i refuse to validate anyone at this point.

i have steel resolve flowing through me. another 5 lbs lost.

through sheer will i will be reborn.

20130514

Sleep is elusive.  I have a new pincushion to hold my attention for the moment, and her dreams are as unsettling as always.

The suicide fantasies are bad lately.  Why is this such a struggle for me?  There is such a lack of purpose here, a dearth of meaning to anything and everything I'm in contact with, which ain't much.

I'm pushing through her last two weeks, a race and some ridiculous beach vacation and I guess I'll reevaluate it all afterwards if I'm unlucky enough to make it through.

My music goes nowhere because of me.

My love life goes nowhere because of me.

My scale goes nowhere because of me.

I'm going nowhere because of me.

Upheaval threatens on so many fronts and all I need or want is shelter and quietude.  I want a hug more than I want sex.

Are these empty words too:

There are listeners out there for me.

There is a girlfriend out there for me.

There is a goal weight out there for me.

There is a happiness for me.

Now to try to get an hour of sleep before I go back into the fray at this dead end, intellectually barren paycheck factory.

20120513

Hours wasted at another lunch party

Surrounded by nonessentials

Nothing but the usual, please

Forced into a cone of silence apart

Smile at the appropriate times

Laugh at the appropriate lines

Meaning is lost in translation I'm sure

A quest for redundancy largely complete

20130508

Another false start to completion
Given to nightly flights of fancy
Yield to unkempt glances gone awry
But now a pain cripples the body
Take as needed for choral boredom
Everyone knows just what you are
Much better than you'll ever know
Whisper a knowing catcall alone
Trying to pick yourself up, and failing
Not even a sure thing in a singular sense
So much for knowing what you need
Empty prayers to no one in particular
The eyes grow heavier than the soul
But only for the moment of moments
Brief and blissful like a firefly dusk
Catch and release what you can
Leave the rest

20130504

I keep waiting to cry. For the release. Or the closure. I can't get either.. I keep checking her pages like a dog, hoping for what.. a fresh start?

I could use one of those, in general.

Oh well, okay.

20130429

fuck. i was wrong. i think. i don't know. who knows. she was right. they're always right.

20130427

Finally got the rejection I was searching for, and of course, it was bittersweet. In monosyllabic punctuated terms, this subpar mate judged me as inferior, and I allowed it to get to me.. but only momentarily.

I have many flaws but I accept them for what they are. Only recently have I stopped focusing on them, and instead, I've started promoting the positive qualities of me. I will graciously accept rejection from a vapid woman, and continue to seek out opportunities for myself, while maintaining the premise that life is not meant to be lived self-centered, but self-aware.

20130426

this may (i'm not sure) be the first time i've ever posted a pic on this blog. probably won't be the last.. anyway, i don't really recognize myself here, but i looked great today. ran with my kid, and managed to find my footing after a disastrous week.



lunch and dinner: chicken and cottage cheese

20130424

two salads, one fried one grilled, standard fare.

benching tonight after a three hour nap.

my boss is leaving in a month. my personal life was just starting to stabilize.. hopefully my professional life doesn't tumble out of control. the elusive balance of life.

20130421

Headed home, windows down, 96X up (yep it's back), with my dog leaning out the window and my kiddo singing behind me. what a weekend. life is almost perfect. almost..

was that really an hour long conversation? wow. best joke of the night

homecoming queen? more like dairy queen.

20130420

friendzoned. classic me.

lunch: a bit of chicken
dinner: um oh right protein shake

also i biked. i'm kinda depressed i dropped the ball on this one.

20130419

first date in three years. we ran a boston charity run and went to an after party .. afterwards.

she ended up talking to her old friend for an hour, and essentially ignoring me. it hurt but this was still an amazingly GOOD occurrence in my post-divorce life.

lunch: steak and veggies
dinner: two sliders, salad, two beers (fat tire)

20130416

lunch: grilled chicken salad (bar)
dinner: chicken and cottage cheese

finality. i'm having trouble accepting it... it's a strange thing.

20130415

lunch: chicken/cottage cheese
dinner: newks favorite salad

havent heard anything today, maybe the whole thing was in my head. maybe she's not cool with my religion. either way, it's a fucking monday.

good grief at this shit in boston at the marathon.. fucking crazy people in this world. :(

20130414

weirdest weekend ever. ruined my chances with a girl. and then got her number.

lunch: chicken and cottage cheese
dinner: beef fajitas at mi pueblo

so full.

20130413

my child reminds me that i wasn't always a failure. i succeeded today, but i also failed. manual labor has been my only solace.

newk's salad for lunch

20130411

did i really miss four days? fuck. i've been talking to women, both in person and online. it's an exciting time for me, as i come out of the shell a bit. i just have to continue to continuously prepare myself for rejection and continously continue to open up to success. or something like that.

did i even make it a week on the calorie counting? i feel bloated and gross today. such a woman.

20130407

2 mi run this morning, followed by a walk

lunch: chili and cottage cheese

20130406

Running:
0:55:14 || 5 mi || flat (+499 pts)

after-run lunch: chicken/cottage cheese and protein shake (SO FULL)

20130405

skipped lunch, and then instead of being smart, i had chicken and cottage cheese and then a smoothie and a huge nap and i watched justified and didn't work out and BLAH

tomorrow i'm running.. or something. if my leg stops hurting.

20130404

deactivation.

lunch: burger and sweet potato fries
dinner: chicken and sweet potato.. too much

played more kinect sports with kiddo. it's all coming crashing down.

20130403

im at work. still feel like feet. putting up with bullshit already.

dance with the dragon
for a chance to imagine
what it takes to understand
all the shakes of a hand
for the passing fancy
of a lass who can't see
the you inside of you
the foolish eyes see through
imprisoned in an untouched city
isn't it all such a pity

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	favorite chicken salad	800	55	38
dinner	favorite chicken salad	800	55	38
total		1600	110	76

jesus i'm boring.

Barbell Squat:
45 lb x 5 reps (+36 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
gwar - war party
Standing Barbell Shoulder Press (OHP):
45 lb x 5 reps (+49 pts)
95 lb x 5 reps (+69 pts)
95 lb x 5 reps (+69 pts)
95 lb x 5 reps (+69 pts)
115 lb x 5 reps (+79 pts)
115 lb x 5 reps (+79 pts)
Dips - Triceps Version:
5 reps (+34 pts)
5 reps (+34 pts)
5 reps (+34 pts)
Kroc Rows:
40 lb x 30 reps (+42 pts)
40 lb x 20 reps (+38 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+34 pts)

20130402

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	bar chicken salad	700	45	35
dinner	turkey, asparagus and cottage cheese	700	40	40
total		1400	85	75

20130401

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	chicken strips, cottage cheese	900	60	90
dinner	favorite chicken salad	800	55	38
snack	moar chikin	300	5	17
total		2000	120	145

Running:
0:19:20 || 2 mi || flat (+197 pts)

recorded a rough draft for the first song i've done in..
i dunno almost a year. wonder was written on 05/10/2012 and it's been mostly false starts since.

i guess it's time to start up a new (4th) album. this new song is called "rise and shine" and is an attempt to write something.. happy. i apparently didn't fail.

20130331

CHEAT DAY, FUCK CALORIES

Lunch: ham, more ham, deviled eggs(3), cole slaw, ravioli (6), small piece of cake, pineapple chunks
Dinner: half portion of chicken, cottage cheese
Snack: almonds

Easter Sunday at the bro's church. Rainy at first but it cleared off. A freezer door fell on moms arm. My siblings discussed morbid shit about mom and dad. We joked a lot and watched some basketball, then tossed some basketball afterwards .

Middle brother absent.

No pictures.

Kiddos with my folks tomorrow because school is out and I need to work.

I hope I get to run. Praying for a woman to come sweep me off my feet as well. Think the running may actually happen though.

20130330

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	favorite chicken salad	800	55	38
dinner	chicken strips, cottage cheese	900	60	90
snack	moar chikin	300	5	17
total		2000	120	145

Barbell Squat:
45 lb x 5 reps (+36 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
275 lb x 3 reps (+136 pts)
275 lb x 3 reps (+136 pts)
315 lb x 1 reps (+121 pts)
315 lb x 1 reps (+121 pts)
Kroc Rows:
40 lb x 30 reps (+42 pts)
40 lb x 20 reps (+38 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+34 pts)
Push-Up:
30 reps (+45 pts)
Dumbbell Side Bend:
40 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)

20130329

lunch: chicken cobb salad at trolley stop
dinner: salmon croquettes (3), lima beans, crowder peas
snack: peanut butter

tired and full, will figure out calories later

20130328

ran 5k today.

napped after work. kiddo's with mom.

the girl is not dating. i'm not living.

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	chicken strips, cottage cheese	900	60	90
dinner	protein shake w/almonds and banana	550	6	48
snack	sausage	210	0	8
total		1660	66	146

Running:
0:32:39 || 5 km || flat (+301 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
45 lb x 5 reps (+36 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+92 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+92 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+92 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
Dips - Triceps Version:
5 reps (+34 pts)
5 reps (+34 pts)
5 reps (+34 pts)

20130327

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	half chicken, rice, sweet potatoes	550	18	70
dinner	protein shake w/bar and banana	550	6	48
total		1100	24	118

will finish later, feel like utter shit, lying down

no workout #2, fuck

20130326

It's curious to me that people tout the separation of church and state and decoupling of religion from education, yet demand continued, increasing involvement from the government on marriage, a construct rooted in religion from time immemorial.

Instead of bickering like pawns in front of our apparent judicial masters, wouldn't it be nice to remove government interference on marriage, and our relationships in general?

Just my 2c.

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	chicken strips, cottage cheese	900	60	90
dinner	favorite chicken salad	800	55	38
total		1700	115	128

no workout. nap. kiddo didn't read, she watched tv. i am a horrible father.

cold and dreary. an elliott day for sure. performance eval tomorrow.

20130325

monday. this is how i like to play it.

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	bar chicken salad	700	45	35
dinner	chicken strips, cottage cheese, lima beans	980	70	90
snack	hard-boiled egg	70	0	6
total		1750	105	131

Barbell Squat:
45 lb x 5 reps (+36 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
245 lb x 5 reps (+138 pts)
old amon amarth
Front Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
145 lb x 5 reps (+70 pts)
145 lb x 5 reps (+70 pts)
165 lb x 5 reps (+80 pts)
Kroc Rows:
30 lb x 40 reps (+43 pts)
30 lb x 30 reps (+40 pts)
30 lb x 20 reps (+36 pts)
30 lb x 10 reps (+32 pts)
Dumbbell Side Bend:
40 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
Standing Dumbbell Triceps Extension:
40 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)

20130324

palm sunday. palms obtained.

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	favorite chicken salad (by restaurant)	800	55	38
dinner	favorite chicken salad (by mom)	800	55	38
total		1600	110	76

Been lying in this room
Making it my tomb
Wondering what to do
For an hour or two

20130323

no kiddo this morning. played a little dark souls and then..

cleaned the entire house all day until literally the moment bitchface dropped her off (5pm). yeah, she was supposed to have her all weekend but only ended up keeping her one night.

she went to Graceland with some girl scout friends and it was a dreary weekend, but it turned out for the best because i didn't really want/need to leave the house.

total clean-fest. threw out a bunch of old shit, vacuumed, did the laundry, went through the mail, cleaned the dishes, etc etc.

made some stew on the crockpot and that was essentially all i ate all day.

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch/dinner	beef stew crockpot (soup mix/diced tom/whole tom/chili starter/meat)	1500	120	133
snack	protein shake	400	5	50
total		1900	125	183

20130322

accountability appears to be a good thing. so far.

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	rainbow trout, rice, sweet potatoes	400	40	40
dinner	fish sticks, broccoli, rice	600	50	20
post-workout	protein shake (with bar)	400	26	50
snack	hard-boiled egg (2)	140	0	12
total		1540	116	122

Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 10 reps (+77 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
275 lb x 3 reps (+136 pts)
275 lb x 3 reps (+136 pts)
275 lb x 3 reps (+136 pts)
Front Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
Kroc Rows:
30 lb x 30 reps (+40 pts)
30 lb x 30 reps (+40 pts)
30 lb x 40 reps (+43 pts)

20130321

march madness. may lift tonight if i'm feeling it.

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	mahi mahi, rice, sweet potatoes	400	40	40
dinner	chicken strips salad	600	30	40
snack	uncrustable (1/2)	100	14	3
total		1100	84	83

Barbell Squat:
45 lb x 10 reps (+42 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+77 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
Kroc Rows:
40 lb x 20 reps (+38 pts)
30 lb x 30 reps (+40 pts)
30 lb x 30 reps (+40 pts)
Dumbbell Side Bend:
40 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
Standing Dumbbell Triceps Extension:
40 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)

20130320

wrote kiddo's teacher about some bullying going on and got a somewhat terse but helpful response that she had spoken to the little fucktard bothering her.

rest day.

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	half chicken, asparagus, sweet potatoes	550	18	70
dinner	favorite chicken salad	800	55	38
snack	eggo waffle (brown sugar cinnamon roll)	125	20	2
total		1370	93	110

20130319

still here? why?

running: 2mi, 19min

meal	food(s)	cal	carbs(g)	protein
lunch	protein shake w/coffee	300	6	48
dinner	chicken, lima beans	700	20	45
snack	jerky	300	10	45
snack #2	uncrustable	200	25	6
total		1500	61	144

Running:
0:19:12 || 2 mi || flat (+199 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+66 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)
225 lb x 5 reps (+121 pts)

20130312-2

gave up. felt good.

plenty of people never date again.

plenty of people are fat and happy.

plenty of people go about their lives.

my kid hates her mom.

i have worst case scenarios flying through my head from morning till night.

every day is unending sameness waiting for the other shoe to drop down on top of me.

20130312

desolace.

20130307

crawled in bed at 9pm. it's now 12:30am. still can't sleep. too many things too many things too many things.

wrote one verse of a song. it's hopeful. am i? i don't know what i am. my shoulder hurts and my leg hurts and i can't put up a fight right now. i can only be. and being is not enough.

if i could flush all of my negativity down the drain, what would i have? would i be recognizable? would i like myself?

and then there's that damned girl. another museum piece. not until my fat disappears. will it ever? probably not.

sleep attempt #3.

20130305-2

this is so me.

20130305

sitting at lunch and my head is swimming bad.

20130304

amazing how that dead limb continues to scratch. I've come so far, only to find it caught firmly on my leg, pulling at me with every step. eventually I'll realize the infection has cut too deep, and it's simply too late.

I ran so hard today, but it's never quite good enough. For a person rooted in self hatred, every mirror shatters the illusion of progress, the glamor of future peacefulness, the mirage of a happy ending.

I'm sore.. sick and tired of the routine of sameness. Squandering myself on mundanity, relinquishing control to a furtive, languid deity. The workplace. Like so many cogs have slipped and caught in the inevitable machine of mediocrity, and I'm no better.

I could have been a better husband. Could still be a better father, a better man. Instead, I'll wish and dream and glance at those smiling female faces like I'm seeing them through glass at a museum: observing, documenting, and ultimately moving to the next display.

They won't wait forever. But I will.

A failure.

20130228

sharpen the nail, a connoisseur of a long dead world
riding the rail,
the moon will still rise, so hide your disguise

.. bleh... writer's block.

20130227

can't really get much done today. took a nap and then, nothing.

okay it's time to write a song. i have some chords.

3/4 no capo downtuned 1 1/2
-5-1-1-3--------
-7-1-3-6(5)-----
-7-2-3-4--------
----------------
----------------
----------------

i want to write a song about finding inner peace/strength after loss. something positive.

20130223

I'll tell you what causes cancer: sadness.

A spare thought for the pennywise spendthrift
Without a balance sheet left to otherwise lend with
Sound of mind in body in the caretaker's stead
A passing moment leapt over their own maker's head
The dividend of all the righteous, caged umbrage
A free-fall withdrawal from society made presumptive
But what of the moral that was promised, well you see
Nothing in life ever comes for free

20130217

so i cried today, first time in awhile, i was watching a documentary on queen oddly enough and vacuuming the house beforehand. kiddo has a low grade fever and is going to the doctor's office tomorrow morning.

just sat on the couch and played some of my music.

i guess i'll go lift some weights and try to pull myself out of this funk.

20130215

it's finally coming together
freeze tag in the nether
head down in the rule book
just to get a new look
bursting with undue pride
all board, along for the ride
earbuds tucked tight for safety
safe in the arms of probably maybe

life overheard beneath the sounds
of a playlist designed to blot it out
such is the life of the invisible man
all wrapped up in backsliding plans
act naturally: fit in at a distance
take the stand as the only witness
wait for a change in the weather
it's finally coming together

20130214

valentine's day is a construct created by and for people i no longer associate with.

it was nice today, i went running.

i have some niggling neck pain today again. shrug.

lunch: newk's
dinner: chicken

yesterday was pretty much the same except for fish at lunch and mac&cheese for dinner (ash wednesday and all).

had to go to sleep early: chest pains, [x] other malaise

oh and the good mood has been stamped out. back to reality.

20130212

what'd i do? :(

...

upper body tonight, probably too much food, the usual..

20130211

lunch: newks
dinner: not newks

fuck. kid got sick. at least she gave me till 11 this time. fuck shit piss.

20130210

Kiddo back today... Illness slacking off but I had a whale of a headache this morning.

Lunch: chicken, banana
Dinner: rice, sweet potato
Later: Eskimo pie

Low calorie day I guess

Mary Poppins at 6:30 on stage, she loved it. Fought over dressing up but I won.

20130206

for posterity, here's what i ate today. no workout, my throat is jacked from running three miles yesterday.

lunch: newk's salad
dinner: chicken and cottage cheese
later: ice cream bar
and then: sausage and cottage cheese (fuck i overate)

could not breathe out of mouth, could not fall asleep, i think it was around 2am.

20130202

exercise: running (twice), about 2.5 mi total

breakfast: sausage and cottage cheese
lunch: chicken
lunch 2: chicken and greens
dinner: oatmeal and protein powder, hot tea
somewhat later: chocolate brownie
night eating: kashi go-lean crunch (fuck)
estimated calories: 2200

i got my hair did today. social anxiety overcome.. for now.

reallllly sick and tired of the night eating.

20130201

i stopped using fitocracy at some point last October. i'm not really sure why. i didn't stop working out mind you, just logging it on there. i still have my journal. i guess i want to start using it again, but it'd be a lot of work to log them, and i would rather avoid the social aspect of all the "propping" and bullshit.

20130129

two years in a row, i'm bitten by a mosquito in january.

my alma mater plays tonight in a big game. i hate basketball but i've become a sports nut, perhaps in a misplaced bid for normalcy.

anyway. ran two miles again. it was almost 80 degrees this afternoon.

lunch: burger, side salad
dinner: chicken, cottage cheese, veggies

played piano with kiddo, watched her skate around the house, watched most of "the game plan" after dinner.

20130125

Ran two days in a row. Cleaned some things out.. I think given another year or three I may actually get bitchface's crap completely out of my house. Heh.

Chicken nuggets so far, that's it really.

20130124

i guess i should sleep. right after this. i'm a day behind on these blogs. fuckit!

lunch: chicken and cottage cheese
dinner: newk's salad
later: cereal, etc

lifting, girl scouts, bitchface, lifting, tpb, oblivion, guitar restringing, zZz?

20130123

Can't sleep so I may as well blog..

Chicken salad, chicken salad, cereal
That's what's up. No lifting, no nada.

Kiddo had a decent day, piano and dance.

I'm glad she is smiling. Maybe I will smile again too someday. Hope so.

20120122

whelp, i'm fine, kiddo is sick. threw up last night. letting her sleep in.

all i want to do is go into work this morning. bleh.

i need to post my workouts at some point.

breakfast: banana
lunch: half chicken, rice, asparagus
dinner: chicken, cottage cheese
later: protein pudding

20120121

woke up with headache. took medicine. it's neck related for sure.

headache is lingering. kiddo is bored.

fuck today. skyrimmed all morning.

had chicken. i may try and do upper body today. who knows. demotivated in general.


---

shopping complete. dinner complete. i even managed to do some upper body, but i'm still feeling like i wasted today. course, it is rather cold. i wish i could run. i wish kiddo could run with me.

---

i also wish i had the balls to give my number out to the gorgeous girl who is into me.

20130120

Zoo, church, food, and now nfl/laundrypalooza. The exciting life of a single dad, try to control yourselves ladies...

20130118

Lunch: fried chicken salad
Dinner: turkey tenderloin, more chicken
Some chocolate and peanut butter toast crunch ( ... )

20130117

Breakfast: cereal
Lunch: chicken and cottage cheese
Dinner: steak, greens, cornbread
Later: oatmeal cookies

Fuck

20130112

all i ate was soup. my soup. an entire crockpot of it.
and a protein shake. i think i might vomit. just kidding.

20130111

no sleep. half day. napped and ran 2 mi in the afternoon. feel much better.
hope my boss doesn't kill me.

chick fil-a salad
some fish sticks

zZz

20130110

two newks salads.
no sleep.
fuck.

20130109

today:

small chicken salad at uc
two hot dogs with sauerkraut
some cereal
some more chicken

some upper body exercises, OHP and Bench

played Catan for kids with kiddo (who only got one show on tv), bought mary poppins musical tix.

fell asleep with her on the couch, moved her to her room.

stayed up a bit reading about 300 pages of codex alera book one.

then crashed out.

20130108-2

Food:
Grilled chicken and peas
Nuts
Turkey tenderloin and peaches

Est 1800 cals

2 mi run

20130108

slowly getting my sleep schedule back. ah who am i kidding no i'm not, it was still 2am, and i'm still retarded today, although i did run two miles somehow.

i am fat.

as i ran, i tried to imagine my body as a piece of hardware with my mind as the kernel, and what i would need to do to renice my exercise processes and attack whatever daemons keep my load average above 1. it's sad but it might just work for me, and allow me to attack this problem the only way i know how: logically and dispassionately.

to quoth the book of johnny mnemonic: "The only way is to hack your own brain".

20130104-2

the bbc sherlock show is the best thing ever. i slept from 4am-7am and again from 3pm-6pm. fuck.

20130104

I still can't sleep and I'm losing my mind but I'm in love with the canuck comedy "trailer park boys". What a strange fucking vacation this is.

20130103-2

release. the greatest gift of all.

20130103

Insomnia? Sure, no problem. I just have to get my kid to school in just a few hours. I can't run in this weather with no sleep. I'm going nuts this week :(

20130101-2

Meditation complete. I'm supposed to hold a picture in my mind of what I want. Trying to write a happy song, or at least, one focused on hope.

I did some introspection after the get together and I think one issue is that I tend to ask mundane conversational questions when nervous but the part of my brain devoted to creativity or levity becomes disconnected or severed during the process, resulting in banal interactions with nearly everyone. I was quite content to ask everyone about work (which no one wants to talk about really), geek stuff (which no woman in the room gives a damn about), and that's pretty much it. Whatever the pleasant small talk gene is, I'm going to need some coaching to rediscover it.

I realize I need social interaction, although I loathe it so. I need "my people", whoever that is. It may sadly result in a resubscription to wow, as I cannot seem to function outside the voice chat realm. I see geek girls around reddit and such, but invariably they have cats or something. Almost always a package deal. If I'm being honest with myself, I need to unhide my match profile and "go public". Here are my personal requirements on taking that step:

1. 205 lbs
2. New car? Probably not needed
3. ???

I need more friends, regardless of gender. How do people do this effectively and easily every day, when I cannot?

Hell I can't even hold onto the few friends I have left at this point... Who can blame them...

20130101

No one to kiss, and that loneliness pulls at me. Oh well, another round, another one down.